Motherhood

& — I can give you the number to the mayor’s office if you’d like to call and file a complaint.
    Eliza: Very helpful. Great. You’re telling me that you towed* my car, and I have to bite it, right?
    — Ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to cross the street.

& Eliza: Why is it that once you pass 35 and have a kid in tow, you automatically become a “ma’am”?.. “Ma’am” means support hose*, a girdle*, a bad perm. I’ll wear hot pants and platforms when I’m on a walker if only to avoid being called “ma’am.”

& Eliza: I used to be fluid, I used to be, I don’t know, graceful. Now my words come out, and they just sound like bad ad copy.
    Sheila: Well, maybe your brain’s worn out from over-sharing*.
    Eliza: Sheila, just blog-slam me when I’m down!

& Eliza: Avery lost his cell phone, by the way, the ultimate passive-aggressive act.
    Sheila: Avery would lose his scrotum if it wasn’t attached.
    Eliza: Well, it’s either that, or he silenced it, which is the most effective way of silencing me.

& Eliza: Did I tell Clara how much I loved her this morning before school, just in case she never makes it home again?
    Sheila: Oh, Liz, you gotta stop.
    Eliza: I can’t stop.
    Sheila: Well, as a fearless leader once said, “When you can’t stop, you must shop.”

& Sheila: I gotta tell you something. It does not leave this room.
        Okay, so last night, I got the kids to bed about 9:00, and I ran a bath, which would have been really lovely except I only had that Strawberry Shortcake bubble bath.
        So I’m lying there, in the bath... naked... You know the little, um, motorized submarine bath toys... The little, “Chiggachiggachigga...”? You know, they look a bit like dildos.
    Eliza: You’re dirty!
    Sheila: It was lovely. And it was amazing. It was lovely and amazing. I got very lucky with the submarine.

---

& Eliza: Listen, I wasn’t speaking very loudly in the first place, okay? I believe in cell phone etiquette.
    Student in Party Store line: You introduced your conversation into my personal space, thus violating any commonly held definition of “etiquette!”
    Eliza: Is that so?
    Student: Did you know that 90 percent of cell phone users believe they’re courteous* while 85 percent of those same users complain about being annoyed by others’ conversations?
    Eliza: Why don’t we have this conversation in 20 years, when you’ve learned a thing or two about the real world?
    Student: Oh, you mean when I’m old?!
    Eliza: Even you, my friend, will turn 40...
    Student: You know what? You urban moms are like a case study in liberal hypocrisy*. You think the rules apply to other people, but never to you. You blab your precious banalities into cell phones, you buy gluten-free snacks, yet have no comprehension of your carbon footprint!
    Eliza: I’d like to shove my carbon footprint right up your ass.

& Woman in Bakery line: You have to admit it’s your own fault. If you had named her “Sophie” or “Ella,” you wouldn’t be having this problem, but you gave her an “Edna” name.
    Eliza: A what?!
    Woman: You know, an “Edna” name? Like “Mabel” or “Agnes” or “Velma.”
    Bakery girl: Yeah, like lesbian librarian names.
    Woman: Don’t you read the “Crankypants Post”? She did a whole thing last week about names, it was genius.
    Eliza: Well, yes, I mean I do read her, but I like other parenting blogs better... What about “The Bjorn Identity”?
    Woman: That woman is so... I don’t know. I think she’s a feminist.
    Eliza: Well, what could be worse than that? Anyway, “Clara” is not an “Edna” name, right?
    Woman: Let me guess, you named her after your favorite grandmother?..

& Eliza: So, Mikesh, you a messenger full-time?
    Mikesh: Of course not. No. I write.
    Eliza: Don’t we all? ... Write what?
    Mikesh: Plays. Well, sort of. I guess you’d call them quietly domestic plays set in India.
    Eliza: Oh, cool.
    Mikesh: Yeah, I tried to find a job that would occupy the least amount of mental space and be so opposite my true aesthetic intentions that it wouldn’t get in the way, you know?
    Eliza: Does that work for you?
    Mikesh: Most of the time.

& Eliza: You wanna hear something great?
    Mikesh: Yeah.
    Eliza: So spare and basic. It’s Pylon.

Pylon, Stop It

& Mikesh: I’d love to read your fiction sometime. Do you have anything more recent?
    Eliza: No, not at the present moment. No, at the present moment, my life is... extremely reality-based. But I do plan to get back to it at some point. No, I mean, I will. As my favorite grad school professor used to say, “There is no ’try,’ there is only ’do’ and ’do not’.”

& Eliza: You wanna know one of the few benefits of 9/11? Excellent cell phone reception in the tunnels.

& Eliza: Just this thing. It has to be done by midnight. It’s kind of important. It means mommy might get a real job.
    Clara: But I don’t want you to get a real job.
    Eliza: Why not? It’s good when mommies work. It keeps mommies happy. It keeps them from being mean, nasty, yelling mommies. What about daddies? Should daddies not work, too? Why moms and not dads, hmm? Enlighten me.
    Clara: ’Cause moms do everything. Dads only do some things. It’s different.

& Clara: Mom, for my 7th birthday, can I get a cat? Mom, can I? Mom?
    Eliza: “Maybe” is the best I can do, okay?


-- Dict:
tow — буксировка
support hose — эластичные чулки
girdle — пояс
worn out — изношены
courteous — вежливый; учтивый
hypocrisy — лицемерие




? Surprisingly low 4.7/10 on Imdb.

__ Such a Motherhood is able to kill anyone. Even Uma, who was not afraid of the Bill.