& Lipwig: I’ve always known that gods had a sense of humour. Why else would they put us all on the back of a giant turtle?.. Of course, I had assumed I was in on the joke. As it turns out, I, Moist von Lipwig, am the butt of it.
& — Can you fax it to Genua, please, dear?
& Sergeant Angua: Albert Spangler?
Lipwig: Never heard of him. But for you, I could be anyone.
Sergeant Angua: Could you be a lunch?
& Drumknott: Well done, Mr Lipwig. You set this up.
Lipwig: ...........
Drumknott: Lord Vetinari’s orders. He calls it occupational therapy.
Lipwig: Occupa... I call it torture.
& Drumknott: Now, you really should get some rest. We’ll be hanging you in half an hour.
Lipwig: Hanging? For one little con?
Drumknott: That and these. There’s got to be at least $150,000 worth of fraud here. And these are just the cons we can prove.
& Trooper: Good morning, sir. I am Trooper and I will be your executioner for today.
& Trooper: Don’t look so worried, sir, I’ve hanged hundreds of people and we’ll have you out of here in no time.
& Trooper: Now, before we start, about your rope, sir. It sounds strange, but there’s a lot of specialist collectors out there and I’m gonna auction it on the clacks. It’s the coming thing, you know. Worth more signed, of course. ... Much obliged.
& Trooper: Which just leaves the small matter of your final words.
Lipwig: I wasn’t actually expecting to die.
Trooper: Very good. We haven’t had that one before.
& Trooper: The last words, sir?
Lipwig: I commend my soul to any god that can find it.
Trooper: Very nice, we’ll go with that.
& Lord Vetinari: Ah, Mr Lipwig, I see you are awake. And still alive at the present time.
& Vetinari: You’ve danced the sisal two-step. It’s a very precise science, hanging a man, and Mr. Trooper is a master. But only an expert would have spotted that you were hanged to within an inch of your life. The last inch being the crux* of the matter.
& Vetinari: You see, sometimes, when a man has made such a foul and tangled mess of his life that death appears to be the only option... an angel appears and offers him a change of life. I should like you to think of me as that angel.
& Vetinari: Little sips.
& Lipwig: ’Certain death or the Post Office?’ Hardly a choice, more an alternative.
& Vetinari: You see, the really interesting thing about angels... is that you only ever get the one. Do we understand each other, Mr Lipwig?
Lipwig: Perfectly.
Vetinari: Welcome to government service.
Ridcully: And the wage is $20 a week. Not bad at all.
& Mr. Pump: I am your parole officer and your safety is my concern.
& Vetinari: Regrettably, we meet again. Yet I specifically remember saying that you only ever get one angel.
Lipwig: You didn’t say you were gonna set a clay monster on me!
Vetinari: Rather harsh*. Mr. Pump is not a monster, he’s a golem.
Lipwig: It walked all night, carrying me and a horse!!
Vetinari: Quite*.
& Lipwig: There was nothing for it but to deploy Rule 13... when captured, turn enemies into friends. Can we talk frankly, Mr. Pump?
Mr. Pump: A golem is incapable of lying.
Lipwig: Really? How unfortunate for you.
& Lipwig: Lord Vetinari works you so hard. It’s just not right.
Mr. Pump: I was built to work.
Lipwig: Don’t you ever just want to kick back and take a day off?
Mr. Pump: You misunderstand. Pump is not my name, it’s my description. Pump-19. I stood at the bottom of a hole 100ft deep and pumped water into the city, for two centuries. But now, I walk in the sunlight, feel the wind on my face. This is better.
& Lipwig: “No glom of nit can stay these mes engers abot their duty.” What the hell does that mean?
Mr. Pump: It means, you have work to do.
& Crispin Horsefry: We should be, er, going now, Reacher. {...} If we’re late for Vetinari, we’ll be in big trouble.
Reacher Gilt: Oh. Remind me to look appropriately scared.
& Lipwig: I see you know something about pins, Stanley.
Stanley: No, sir. I know everything about pins.
& Vetinari: I take my Thud very seriously.
Reacher: We should play a game sometime.
Vetinari: We already are, Mr. Gilt. We already are.
& Horsefry: He really means business, this time, Reacher. He really does.
Reacher: Don’t panic, to mean business you need to have a business to start with.
& Lipwig: ’Somehow, I had to escape.’ Excellent work, Mr. Pump! That’s it, you just keep on shovelling. Don’t stop for anything, now.
Mr. Pump: I have your Karmic signature on my internal tablet.
Lipwig: Fascinating.
Mr. Pump: Which means I know where you are at all times. So, if you were thinking of escape...
Lipwig: Escape? Me?! No, no, no. No, I was just off to er... Erm... Um... deliver a letter. Isn’t that what postmasters do?
Mr. Pump: I will know if this is not delivered.
-- Dict:
crux — главный вопрос; загадка; решающий момент; созвездие Южного Креста
harsh — суровый; жесткий; резкий; грубый
Quite — действительно; в самом деле
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