Hands!

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 3×4

Midge: Think about it. Las Vegas is the true American melting pot, proving that losing money is the universal language.

Midge: ...I thought it would be helpful for me to present for you... a primer to the Jewish people. First of all, we are always ready to talk about food. Seeing you all eating dinner, I just want to ask what you're eating, if it's good, and tell you what you should have ordered.

Midge: Complaining. This is big with us. What repressing your emotions is to WASPs, complaining is to Jews. It's second nature.

Midge: But the key is, the complaints should never be about big important things, only little things like, "It's hot out; this restaurant is so far; the line is so long." You know, things nobody can do anything about. Remember, you're not trying to fix anything. You're just trying to be heard.

Midge: Guilt is big with us, and we use it wisely. And it's not for making yourself feel bad about something you did. It's for making someone else feel bad about something they didn't do.

Midge: Jewish parents... Yell at your sons for not eating enough, yell at your daughters for eating too much.

Midge: And there's the saying often attributed to our great prophet Abraham: "Anything you can do... isn't all that interesting to me."

Midge: You won something...
Susie: I didn't win, I lost.
Midge: But, Susie, you're walking away with chips.
Susie: No, when you come with chips, and you leave with less chips, you lost, you didn't win.

Susie: Come on, green! Go all Ben-Hur on his ass!

Henry: You'll never get this chance again...
Susie: Isn't it dangerous?
Henry: You're not Shy, you're not a musician, you're not a vehicle. You're expendable.
Susie: Not really an answer to my question.

Susie: Why would I want that?
Midge: Buzz asked Natalie Wood for some dirt, and she gave it to him, and he rubbed his hands with it, then she bent down and gave him a sexy, three-part kiss, and then she checked on James Dean, and he asked her for some dirt, but it kind of felt like he was just asking 'cause Buzz got some, and he saw that sexy three-part kiss.
Susie: Miriam! I do not need the whole fucking plot to Rebel Without a Cause!

Moishe: You both wear pajamas? What, are you girlfriends? Shirl and me, we sleep in the buff. It's healthier, freer. Warmer, too. Skin on skin, as God intended.

Moishe: Man survived Normandy Beach only to get backed over by Abe Weissman... Not a great way to ingratiate yourself to the neighborhood, Abe. Killing the milkman.

Rose: Are those onions?
Shirley: Onions and chicken skin for my schmaltz.
Rose: Do you have to do that now?
Shirley: I can't make a schmaltz in my own kitchen? Is that what you're saying?
Rose: It's just a little early for such a strong smell.

Abe: This has been the longest month of my life...
Rose: We've been here a week.

Susie: This is really how it works? Just sits on your face, like a French whore?

Susie: So, how do we do this? Put it in your account?
Midge: No. No. You take care of the money. I get money, I spend money.
Susie: Then I will do the money.

Archie: Hey. Who's the king of the castle? Who's the top dog in the pack? Who's the capo di tutti capi?
Joel: Imogene.
Archie: Yeah.
Joel: But you're a close second.

Joel: So, what's the song about?
Mei: Oh, it's the usual stuff... Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl buys knife with 12-inch blade, boy loses thumb, boy loses hand.

Shirley: You don't sleep in the buff?!

Moishe: I get up at 4:30 every day. Do you know how much you can accomplish getting up at 4:30 every day? No one's bothering you at 4:30 in the morning. It's dark. It's quiet. No one's calling you on the telephone... Believe me, if there's anything you want to get done that you don't want anyone else to know about, you get up at 4:30 in the morning to do it.

Abe: It's Saturday!
Moishe: Saturday? Saturday is a random day. What is a Saturday?
Abe: It's the Lord's day of rest.
Moishe: What is a weekend? Weekends are a man-made construct.

Moishe: You ever been robbed?.. Not me. I've never been robbed. When you're up at 4:30 in the morning, they can't come take your stuff because you're awake. You see 'em coming. If you're asleep, you won't know. If you sleep late, your stuff's gone. 4:30 is why I still have a TV and a radio.

Moishe: 7:30! Can you believe it? They want to sleep till 7:30! 7:30 is practically 8:00, which is basically lunchtime. It's the whole day!

Susie: Really, guys, I know comedy, so I know nothing is this funny.

---

Alan: How about an interview with Fidel?
Abe: Castro? My God, that would be amazing! What's your connection to him?
Alan: I don't have a connection.
Madeline: We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door.
Alan: Or we connect with Che Guevara, and Che gets us to Fidel.
Abe: How do you get to Che Guevara?
Madeline: We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door.
Abe: Che seems even less approachable.
Madeline: But sexier.
Abe: Yes, but I'm not sure how that gets us to Che Guevara.
Ezra: We go through Che's friend, Alberto Granado.
Abe: How do we get to Granada?
Madeline: We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door.
Abe: You know, Cuba is awfully humid.

Ezra: I could write a piece on my landlord... My toilet's been running for a week, and he's done nothing to fix it.
Madeline: That's fascist.
Abe: That's annoying. I don't know that you could call it fascist.
Alan: You try jiggling the handle?
Madeline: Turning it off with the valve at the base of the toilet?
Ezra: Every time I use it? That's a nightmare.
Abe: There has to be something between Che and your wonky toilet!

Abe: Oh, yeah. Che's gonna be no match for us.

Midge: So, Joel Maisel was born in a shtetl called Brooklyn...

Susie: Uh, so you know, I've never seen Macbeth...
Gavin Hawk: Oh, my God!
Susie: What?!
Gavin Hawk: You said the name!
Susie: Macbeth?
Gavin Hawk: Oh, my God!

Sophie Lennon: Did he look trim?
Susie: Pretty much.
Sophie Lennon: Trim butt?
Susie: He was sitting the whole time.
Sophie Lennon: I need a nice trim butt to be attracted to a man.
Susie: Well, I'd say it was on the trim side. It's a bit curvy. It's... a couple of nice handfuls.
Sophie Lennon: Could you feel his magnetism, his machismo?
Susie: How? He's British!!

Midge: Look at that... Kim Novak's lips.
Joel: She smells good, too.

Joel: What time is it?
Midge: Kill me o'clock.

Joel: Is that a diamond?
Midge: Glass. Mama knows.

Joel: We got married?

Joel: How can they just let two people drunk off their asses get married like that?
Midge: I don't think they let you get married here if you're sober.

Midge: Why were you fighting about mezuzahs?
Abe: Moishe was hanging them wrong. I told him the letter Shin should be on top, facing the doorway, and he wouldn't listen.
Midge: So he was hanging them upside down?
Abe: And having Ethan help him. My own grandson learning to hang mezuzahs like a shmuck.
Rose: He told us to butt out!

Rose: Shirley's coming and she might be naked!
Abe: She walks around the house naked!

Susie: Look, this is just another part of a manager's job. Quickie divorces for drunk clients. I assume you want a divorce?

Susie: Everything's going absolutely great. Just great. Uh, g-great is a good word to describe how it's all going. Excellent's good, too. Good word, very good word to describe it.

Susie: Tits up.
Midge: Tits up.

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