I'm a Motherf**King Scorpion, That's Why

House of Lies 4×2

& Sarah: You are such a pussy sometimes.
    Doug: Well, I am what I eat.

& Jeannie: I’m not giving you my baby.
    Sarah: You are so fucking selfish.
    Jeannie: And you are so fucking bat-shit crazy.

& Marty: I liked the fables. And, uh, they had this one about a scorpion and a frog. You familiar with it? Um...
        So, this scorpion asks this frog to carry it across a stream or something, whatever. And, uh, the frog is, like, «No way, man. You’re gonna sting me.» And the scorpion assures the frog that this is in neither of their best interests. «I mean, I kill you, I drown, right?» So, the frog sees the wisdom in this, and the scorpion hops on his back, boom, off they go. Then midstream, sure enough. Scorpion stings the frog. And as they both start to sink, the dying frog manages a weak, «Why?» And the scorpion says, «’Cause I’m a motherfucking scorpion, that’s why.»
        I mean, I paraphrased it slightly. You’re a dishonest person, Jeannie. And I get dishonesty. I mean, I do, of course, but... yours doesn’t seem to have an off switch.

---

& Doug: All right. Let’s just sit here and scowl at each other. God forgive me for trying to inject a little fun into the proceedings.
    Clyde: How is any of this supposed to be fun?
    Doug: Are you k... Have you even tried the binoculars? Look at them. They zoom. Give it a shot.

& Monica: William... What did I tell you about fraternizing with the enemy? I’m just kidding... As if a rapidly shrinking speck in the consulting universe like Kaan & Associates could ever be considered an enemy.
    Doug: Well, I mean, even a single-celled parasite can take down a lion.
    Clyde: Strong rebuttal.
    Doug: Thank you.

& Monica: Hey, Jeannie, how’s Edwin?.. I can’t wait to meet him. The father of your child.

& Jeannie: It’s yours.
Ω Sure thing.
--
On the IMDb

+ Song from last scene of the episode.

Day of Ashes

The Borgias 2×6

& Rodrigo Borgia: To whom does the pope confess, oh, Lord?..

& Rodrigo Borgia: Who will hear his sins, wash them clean, so that he may live again in Your favour? Ah... The great silence.

& Savonarola: Tell him my work is here, ridding Florence of its sodomites and blasphemers. And my work only will be ended when the last sodomite is burning in Hell.

& Savonarola: No man can put a price on salvation.

& Rodrigo Borgia: ...And save your thoughts. Say nothing.
    Cesare: I haven’t uttered a word!
    Rodrigo Borgia: No, but we can hear you thinking.

& Rodrigo Borgia: Our son Cesare... he had an unfortunate accident.
    Vanozza: Cesare?!
    Rodrigo Borgia: No, Giovanni Sforza. He fell onto a knife that... Cesare happened to be holding.

---

& Rodrigo Borgia: He must be silenced. We charge you with this task. This will require all your patience. You will travel to Florence and you will ban him from preaching the word of God.
    Cesare: He will laugh in my face.
    Rodrigo Borgia: Of course. Then we will charge him with heresy.
    Cesare: He will laugh in your face.
    Rodrigo Borgia: Of course. Then we will excommunicate him.
    Cesare: He will deny your right to do so.
    Rodrigo Borgia: Of course. And then... we will burn him. Vengeance, you see, can wait... A lifetime if necessary.

& Vanozza: Oh, and he has a dog. A gift.
    Lucrezia: A dog?
    Vanozza: For you.
    Lucrezia: A man of immense wealth, you say, and he brings a dog?

& Rodrigo Borgia: What is your verdict?
    Lucrezia: No. That’s no to the doge’s nephew. And yes to the dog... Wait, on second thoughts, it’s no to them both. Man and dog.

& Cesare: Trust me. My name is Borgia.

& Rodrigo Borgia: ...And there will be flourishing once again in your fair Florence a bank— but this time a Vatican bank.
    Piero de Medici: What does the pope know of banking?
    Rodrigo Borgia: What the pope does not know... Piero de Medici will teach him.

& Lucrezia: We’ve already seen five. This will be number six. At first it was a distraction; now it’s a chore.
    Vanozza: Then marry one of them and be done with it. Have a bed chamber of your own and put a strong lock on the door.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

The Guest

& Laura: Would you like to come inside?
    David: Thank you, ma’am.

& Craig: What do you need a gun for?
    David: I’m a soldier, man. I like guns.

& David: Do you want some advice, Luke?
    Luke: Sure.
    David: Never let anyone pick on you... Otherwise, you’ll carry it with you the rest of your life. Those kids at school, they’re bigger than you?
    Luke: Yeah.
    David: Then bring a knife to school. If they take it off of you and beat you up, you go around their houses at night and burn them down with their families inside. What’s the worst they can do?
    Luke: ..... Yeah. Okay.

---

& David: What did the kid call him?.. You know, the kid, the one Luke hit in the face. What did he call Luke?
    Mr. Alston: I don’t think that’s relevant to this conversation.
    David: Did he call him a faggot?
    Mr. Alston: I believe that’s the word that was used, yes. But that’s no excuse...
    David: So, that makes it a hate crime.
    Mr. Alston: What?!
    David: A hate crime. And I’d like to know how many others have been perpetrated against her son under your watch. A gay student targeted with physical violence finally defends himself, and you’re... What? Suspending him?
    Mr. Alston: ...We could consider suspension.
    David: No. You couldn’t. I’ll be interested to see what the board makes of you when this is in front of the entire country, not to mention our lawyers. Do you want to sue them?
    Laura: I... I don’t, uh...
    David: We’re suing you and the school board.

& Major Carver: How do I get through this maze?
    Mr. Lyles: Left, right, right, left, left, right, left, then straight. Got it?
    Major Carver: Yeah.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

The Butler's Escape

Modern Family 4×4

& Manny: Mom, I’m fully aware of the changes your body is going through, and that nasal stuffiness is very common during pregnancy, but we got a crisis in this house. You’ve been snoring. But I got you these nasal strips. In the commercial, the old man’s angry red sound waves turn a gentle blue.
    Gloria: So I’m like an old man?!?!

& Jay: I haven’t slept in a week. Gloria’s snoring like a water buffalo.
    Claire: Aw. Well, she’s pregnant. It’s uncomfortable. What, she put on 15? 20? 25? 30?
    Jay: We’re not doing this again. How do I bring it up?
    Claire: Well, for starters, you don’t. You suck it up. Dad, your hot wife who was learning to walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant with a baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do.

---

& Phil: Trust me. I know what’s best for you. And watch your time. In the stage version, the rope’s on fire, and you’re suspended over a bed of nails.
    Luke: I hate this! Why are you making me do this?
    Phil: Use that anger, Lukini. Let it be the key that opens the vault of fear... that holds the chalice of hope... that contains the elixir of success. In a few short minutes... Son of Alkazeel! You’ve done it!

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

The Illustrious Client

Elementary 3×11

& Holmes: Given the narcissism that consumes the modern epoch, a solitary selfie is a minor miracle.

& Watson: Maybe she didn’t want to come home and see all this. Can you imagine how she feels when she looks at it?
    Holmes: I have done. Repeatedly. My name is Sherlock, and I have allowed empathetic thoughts to clutter my mind and reduce the clarity of my perception.

---

& Holmes: Tell me, does your brother make the habit of talking on the phone whilst he’s micturating?
    Violet: What?
    Holmes: Play it back. You’ll hear the sound of a man urinating into a plastic bowl.

--
On the IMDb

Falling Down

& Guy on Freeway: Where do you think you’re going?
    Foster: Going home.

& Foster: What is this? The last stand on Fiji?

& Mr. Lee: Take the money.
    Foster: You think I’m a thief? Oh, you see, I’m not the thief. I’m not the one charging 85 cents for a stinking soda! You’re the thief. I’m just standing up for my rights as a consumer.

& Foster: I’m rolling back prices to 1965. What do you think of that? Doughnuts. Package of six. How much?..

& Foster: One soda... 12 ounces.
    Mr. Lee: Fifty sen!
    Foster: Sold. It’s been a pleasure frequenting your establishment.

& Foster: I’m going home! Clear the path, you motherfucker! Clear the path! I’m going home!

& Prendergast: He didn’t rob you?
    Mr. Lee: The guy crazy! I told him, «Take my money.» He say no. He call me «thief,» then he break up my merchandise. Then he buy a soda and take off.
    Prendergast: He bought a soda. He paid for it?
    Mr. Lee: I told you, the guy crazy.

& Mr. Lee: Baseball bat!
    Prendergast: What’s that?
    Mr. Lee: The guy take my baseball bat.
    Prendergast: You sell bats?
    Mr. Lee: No, keep for defense. Under counter. Defense.
    Prendergast: You mean he stole your baseball bat but paid for the soda? This guy’s discriminating.
    Det. Brian: That still doesn’t count.

& Foster: There, you see? That’s the concept. Take some shooting lessons, asshole!

---

& Foster: I’d like some breakfast.
    Rick: We stopped serving breakfast.
    Foster: I know you stopped breakfast, Rick. Sheila told me you stopped... Why am I calling you by first names?
    Rick: I don’t know you.
    Foster: I call my boss «mister» after 7 years, but I walk in here, a stranger... and I’m calling you Rick and Sheila like we’re in an AA meeting. I don’t want to be your buddy, Rick. I just want a little breakfast.

& Foster: Have you ever heard the expression, «The customer is always right»?
    Rick: Yeah.
    Foster: Well, here I am. The customer.
    Rick: That’s not our policy. You have to order something from the lunch menu.
    Foster: I don’t want lunch. I want breakfast.

& Foster: See, this is what I’m talking about. Look at that... See what I mean? It’s plump, juicy, three inches thick. Look at this sorry, miserable, squashed thing. Can anybody tell me what’s wrong with this picture?

& Sandra: I gotta go.
    Prendergast: Wait. Something about my wife. Maybe I never mentioned it...
    Sandra: What?
    Prendergast: I love her.

& Foster: Others want the phone?.. Jeez, that’s too bad, because you know what? I think it’s out of order!

& Nick: Tell me something. Why don’t they call you guys... officer-esses?
    Sandra: I beg your pardon?
    Nick: You know, like actress? Something to signify... you know.

& Nick: I’m with you. We’re the same, you and me. We’re the same. Don’t you see?
    Foster: We are not the same. I’m an American. You’re a sick asshole.

& Nick: You gonna like that, you faggot fuck? Give me your other hand.
    Foster: I can’t.
    Nick: Why not?
    Foster: Gravity.
    Nick: Gravity? What the fuck does that mean?!
    Foster: I’ll fall down.

& Nick: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
    Foster: Good! Freedom of religion. Now you get the swing of it! Feels good to exercise your rights.

& Captain Yardley: I gave you that speech earlier... because that’s regulations. They make me do it. This one’s from me... I’ve never liked you. You know why? You don’t curse. I don’t trust a man who doesn’t curse. Not a «fuck» or a «shit» in all these years. Real men curse. And I don’t like a man who’s afraid to hit the street. It’s bad for morale.

& Beth: You’re not coming here.
    Foster: But I am. I’m on my way. You can count on that. I’m past the point of no return. Do you know when that is? That’s the point in a journey... where it’s longer to go back to the beginning... than it is to continue to the end.

& Foster: It’s like... Remember when those astronauts got in trouble? They were going to the moon and something went wrong. They had to get back to Earth... but they had passed the point of no return. So they had to go all the way around the moon to get back... and they were out of contact for hours. Everybody waited to see if a bunch of dead guys in a can... would pop out the other side. That’s me. On the other side of the moon now... out of contact... and everybody’s just going to have to wait till I pop out.

& Bazooka’s Kid: What’s the name of the movie? What’s the movie you’re making?
    Foster: Under Construction. You like it?

& Foster: What kind of doctor lives here?
    Dad at Back Yard: Plastic surgeon.
    Foster: Plastic surgery bought all this? Guess I’m in the wrong racket. Are there correspondence courses in plastic surgery?

& Prendergast: They call it a lake, but it’s really just a big bowl of muddy water. But the wife thinks it’s paradise. Everybody has their own idea of what paradise is. Take me, for instance. You know what I thought paradise was?
    Foster: What?
    Prendergast: If you’ll excuse me. Making babies. Ain’t that a kick? Making babies.

& Foster: I’m the bad guy?
    Prendergast: Yeah.
    Foster: How did that happen? I did everything they told me to. Did you know I build missiles? I help to protect America. You should be rewarded for that. Instead, they give it to the plastic surgeon. They lied to me.

& Prendergast: Is that what this is about? You’re angry because you got lied to?.. They lie to everybody. They lie to the fish! That doesn’t give you any right to do what you did today. The only thing that makes you special is that little girl.

& Foster: Sure was hot today, wasn’t it?

& Foster: I would have got you.

& Prendergast: If I had a little girl, I’d want her to be named Adele.
    Adele: What’s yours?
    Prendergast: Mine? My name is mud.
    Adele: Your name is not mud.
    Prendergast: It will be when my wife finds out that... I’m still a cop.

--
+++ quotes on the IMDb

At the End of the Day, Reality Wins

House of Lies 4×1

& Marty: So, the whole enlightenment thing wasn’t for me. At least not in the traditional sense. Some people believe in the Dharma of non-attachment... Some people believe in the
Dharma of loving kindness... Uh... But I’ve come to realize that I believe in the Dharma of search and destroy. I believe in the Dharma of take no prisoners. I believe in the Dharma of kicking ass.

& Marty: And yet, at the end of the day, reality wins.

& Clyde: ...If we show the hours... we can bill for the hours.
    Marty: This guy’s got a lot of money. And I plan to take a lot of his money. In order for him to make more money to pay us more money. So we can make more money.
    Doug: I just love it when you talk about money.

& — Yo! Martin Luther Kaan! What up, my nigga?!
    .................

& Doug: I would be nicer to them. Really. Because they’re gonna be stupid rich when their stupid app launches.
    Clyde: The fact that we have to share a space with those douchy proto-fascist mavericks makes me want to strap a bomb to my chest.

---

& Clyde: Uh, this is bad, Marty.
    Marty: Yeah it’s bad, so bad. Bad is good. Good is bad. Come on, if it’s a love fest and it’s all harmonious in the business, we’re fucking fired. But if the shit is coming down from the sky in golf ball-size chunks...
    Doug: Which it is.
    Marty: ...oh, that’s a good day for us. ’Cause we get to swoop in and put a band-aid on the booboo. Make it all better. Chaos, entropy, ka-ching. Keep going.

& Doug: We can fix this. Why don’t we go back, talk to him? He’ll understand. You know, Jeannie’s a crazy pregnant lady, and Marty’s an angry black man...
Ω Whoops.

& Marty: So, was I that bad?
    Jeremiah: No. Much worse. Much, much worse.

& Jeannie: Is that Ellis Hightower? The electric car guy?
    Marty: Yeah, I guess it is.
    Jeannie: What do I have to do to get in here?
    Marty: Commit a felony, grow a penis. Wait a minute, I think you already did one of those.

--
On the IMDb

+ Soundtrack.

Snip

Modern Family 4×3

& Phil: The Rosses... Okay, the Rosses are this couple we have known forever, and... they were never able to have kids, so we always felt a little...
    Claire: Jealous of them.
    Phil: Yeah.
    Claire: I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel...
    Phil: They’re always tan.

& Claire: Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me?
    Phil: I would have said eight years younger. There’s just this spark in her that... Well, look who I’m talking to. You used to have it.

---

& Nurse: So, would you like to know if you’re having a boy or a girl?
    Gloria: Yes!
    Jay: No!
    Gloria: Ay. I want it to be a surprise, don’t you, Jay?
    Jay: I’m having a baby at 65. You want another surprise, Gloria?

& Chrissy: ...And this tortoise was 200 years old. I’m sorry. I’m boring you with my trip.
    Claire: No, not at all. You hot-air-ballooned over an active volcano. Three weeks ago I made every green light on Jefferson. Couldn’t stop talking about it.
    Chrissy: You e-mailed me.
    Claire: Oh, God.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

These Final Hours

& Rose: Where are you going?
    James: Party. Big party...

& James: We’re already fucking dead. We’re already fucking dead!

& Rose: Dad always said that God has a perfect plan for everyone and that plan never fails.
    James: Well, if this was God’s perfect plan, then he was a real fucking idiot.

---

& James: We’re all dead. You, me, Freddy. Everyone. It’s the fucking end. You need to be a fuckload deeper than this. A fuckload deeper. Thousands of kilometres deeper, just for a fucking start. And then what do you think? Things are just gonna fucking clear up and that we can just go back out, get on with fucking life — whoop-de-fucking-do — after a fucking year?

& Radio Man: Maybe it’s nothing more than hope. Or maybe we’ll see each other again. Well, wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t that be something?

--
On the IMDb

The Equalizer

& Robert: Hey. Progress, not perfection.

& Robert: No more chips.
    Ralphie: No more chips. Who needs flavor? Right?

& Ralphie: I’m not strong enough.
    Robert: Don’t doubt yourself, son. Doubt kills.

& Alina: You know, you don’t look like a Bob.
    Robert: Oh, yeah? Thank you.
    Alina: You look like a Robert. Robert reads books like this... and Bob watches TV.

& Robert: I think you can be anything you wanna be.
    Alina: Maybe in your world, Robert. Doesn’t happen that way in mine.
    Robert: Change your world.

& Teddy: May I ask why you dined at that particular restaurant?
    Robert: I like pirόzhki.

& Susan: Sometimes we make the wrong choices to get to the right place.

& Susan: A part of you died when Vivian did. But not the part she loved the most... Go be him.

& Brian: Were you able to help him?
    Susan: He didn’t come for help. He came for permission.

& Agent Mosley: Who is this?
    Robert: Concerned citizen. Check your personal e-mail. Make sure you’re sitting down when you do.

& Teddy: Who are you?

& Alina: Someone once told me I could be whoever I wanted to be.
    Robert: Body, mind...
    Alina: Spirit.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

>> The Equalizer 2 (2018)

Wishin' and Hopin'

& Felix: How’s a woman like an oven?.. ’Cause you got to heat them both up before you stick in the meatloaf.

& Lonny: We should ditch church and go to the movies instead.
    Felix: No way.
    Lonny: It’s all the same. Jesus — good, Satan — bad, never any fun.

& Zhenya: Rosalie nothing but... blyad.
    Felix: What’s that?
    Zhenya: Like, um, prostitute— you know, girl who does naughty things with boys.
    Felix: Oh, a chicky boom boom.
    Zhenya: Da, chicky boom boom.

---

& Felix: It was up to me to gently break the ice... How was i supposed to know it was a dirty joke?

& Rosalie: ....And in the morning, before opening their presents, the children knelt down and thanked God for sending his only son down to the Earth. And everyone was happy, except for the atheists.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Schooled

Modern Family 4×2

& Phil: Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.
    Haley: Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.
    Claire: Don’t say a word.
    Phil: No. No. I agree with that premise.
    Claire: Thank you. Wait..... Yeah, thank you.

& Phil: Claire.
    Claire: Mm-hmm?
    Phil: In Haley’s stuff, a box of condoms.
    Claire: Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
    Phil: What? Why don’t you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse’s outfit? Not that that’s my thing. That just popped into my head.

& Phil: «Phil’s-osophy.» A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I’ve learned, such as... «Always look people in the eye, even if they’re blind. Just say, ’I’m looking you in the eye.’» or... «If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea.» «Phil’s-osophy.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you if you just lower your expectations.»

---

& Phil’s-osophy: «Take a lesson from parakeets. If you’re ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you’ll always be wearing a parent-chute.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Older black ladies make the best iced tea.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «You can tell a lot about a person from his biography.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Watch a sunrise at least once a day.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «If you love something, set it free, unless it’s a tiger.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «If you’re ever in jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, ’what?!’»

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Show Stoppers

American Horror Story: Freak Show

4×12

& Elsa: You can’t leave before your present.
    Stanley: No, no. I couldn’t.
    Maggie: Shut up and sit down. You deserve this.

& Desiree: I thought about you long and hard when I made this...

& Stanley: Elsa... Come on... What about... what about uh, your... the dream? Hollywood!
    Elsa: I’m afraid... that’s all it is. Just a dream.

& Chester: I’m just a... a regular man trying to... trying to find love, just like everybody else.

& Paul: We know what we do when people come after one of our own...

---

& Paul: There’s only one way to secure our future. Make sure Elsa doesn’t have one.

& Dot: You are a troublemaker, and we don’t trust you, not one single bit!
    Dandy: Well, ta-ta, then. I’ve done what I can. Mother always told me, never argue with a woman when she’s angry.

& Elsa: Massimo is an old friend of mine from before the war. He’s a master artisan.
    Massimo: Just a carpenter.
Ω Uh-oh.

& Paul: What the bloody hell?!
Ω What the bloody hell!! What, they must all die, or what?!

& Chester: Relax, folks... it’s just a magic show. I can put her back together. Watch. I can put her... Alakazam!

& Eve: Elsa’s next. Tonight.

& Desiree: Let’s get our girl... some justice.

--
On the IMDb

The Choice

The Borgias 2×5

& Lucrezia: It is ingenious, when you think of it.
    Vanozza Borgia: St. Peter’s?
    Lucrezia: The Church. Like an enormous bank machine. The faithful pay to maintain it in its magnificent splendor. This theatre of redemption. The greater the display, the more they gather from all corners of Christendom. The more they pay.

& Rodrigo Borgia: To Florence— and its heretic, Savonarola!

---

& Rodrigo Borgia: Know your enemy, Cardinal. Know him better than your friend.

& Machiavelli: And how can you buy one who would outlaw trade itself?
    Rodrigo Borgia: You offer him something that money cannot buy. Heaven itself.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Bringing Up Baby

Modern Family 4×1

& Manny: He doesn’t deal well with change.
    Gloria: I know. He still checks the front step for the evening paper.
    Manny: Don’t worry, mom. I’m sure he’ll adapt. Although, he still does call the remote the «Clicker.»

---

& Jay: Pregnant?! You gotta be kidding me!
    Luke: Oh, gross. I didn’t know grandpa could still do it.
    Phil: Don’t be disrespectful, Luke. Anyone could do it with Gloria.

--
On the IMDb

The 9:04 from Pemberton

Two and a Half Men 10×18

& Walden: You know, you didn’t have to do that.
    Alan: You made it pretty clear that I did. In fact, I forewent replacing my cell phone to buy this.
    Walden: «Forewent»?
    Alan: It’s a word.

& Walden: The only thing that you’ve brought into my life is an oil-leaking Volvo... a musty smell in my guest room, and the word «forewent.»
    Alan: It is the past tense of «forgo.» Edify yourself, sir.

---

& Lyndsey: Gonna be nice to share the place.
    Alan: It’ll be great.
    Lyndsey: We’ll split all the bills right down the middle...
    Alan: Oh, come on, you don’t want my money. ... You’re an independent woman! Walk proud! ... Walk over to this door and let me back in!

& Walden: Hey, Berta. Knock, knock.
    Berta: Who's there?
    Walden: Not Alan.

--
On the IMDb

Steal Away

Resurrection 2×12

& Preacher James: It’s gonna be difficult. It’s gonna be difficult, Lord. But I will not fail you. I will not fail you. I will not fail you.

& Angela: ...maybe it was some form of mass hypnosis, but controlled by whom? By what? Any ideas, Agent Bellamy?

& Preacher James: It was all foretold, Margaret. Revelation 13... «I beheld a beast come up from out of the ground.»

---

& Preacher James: Hey, Margaret. You think the returned are meant to be here? You think we’re angels... Or demons?
    Margaret: We’re no worse than they are.

& Angela: Dear God. There will be millions.

& Marty: What mission?
    Preacher James: To prevent the end of the world.

& Henry: I never understood at the time why he’d want to be out here all on his own. But I get it now.
    Fred: Peace and quiet.
    Henry: Mm.

--
On the IMDb

Gone Girl

См. Исчезнувшая

& Nick: When I think of my wife... I always think of her head. I picture cracking her lovely skull... Unspooling her brains... Trying to get answers. The primal questions of any marriage... «What are you thinking?»

& Nick: It’s our anniversary. Five years.
    Margo: Five? That came fast.
    Nick: And furious.

& Nick: I said she was complicated.
    Margo: Nick! Everyone knows «complicated» is code for «bitch.»

& Amy: Want to test your marriage for weak spots? Add one recession... Subtract two jobs. It’s surprisingly effective.

& Amy: Grown-ups work for things. Grown-ups pay. Grown-ups suffer consequences.

& Nick: Did you ever see her again?
    Tommy: Yeah. On TV, last week, with you. I thought, «there’s Amy. She’s graduated from being raped to being murdered.»

---

& Officer Gilpin: You ever hear the expression... «The simplest answer is often the correct one»?
    Detective Boney: Actually, I’ve never found that to be true.

& Tanner Bolt: Nick, this case is about what people think of you. They need to like you. Now, you do this and you will reach millions of those people.
    Nick: Maybe I only need to reach the one...

& Nick: You fucking bitch.

& Officer Gilpin: Can’t you just be happy your wife is home and safe?

& Amy: When two people love each other and can’t make that work... That’s the real tragedy. .... Kiss my cheek.

& Tanner Bolt: You are not at risk anymore.
    Nick: I’m the definition of «at risk.»
    Tanner Bolt: You got a book deal, a lifetime movie, you franchised the bar. You may wanna thank her. Just don’t piss her off.

& Amy: I’ve killed for you. Who else can say that?

& Nick: «What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?»

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Pilot

Mozart in the Jungle

& Gloria: And so... As one movement ends, another must begin. ......

& Thomas: Haven’t you got anything to say for yourself? In english, preferably.
    Rodrigo: .... Emily Wu, the first violin... She played sharp 17 times in the first movement alone. And then the horns came a bar late, which completely threw off the clarinet, and we weren’t able to perceive. Tchaikovsky’s desired dynamic shift from bars 27 to 34. And Bruno... the bass player... He’s old. He can barely hold his bow. I don’t know who you were torturing more... Me or him.

& Cynthia: Hailey, oboists are a rare commodity these days. Strings, on the other hand... We’re like hyenas fighting over the same dead animal.

---

& Cynthia: If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.

& Lizzie: Let’s get Bizet!

& Hailey: I feel like all I spend my time doing. Is, like, figuring out how to make money. And then figuring out how to be a good roommate and a good daughter, and, like, none of it is about the art. So when I’m successful...
    Alex: You think it’ll be easier?
    Hailey: It better be.

--
On the IMDb

Seed Money

Elementary 3×10

& Kitty: «Life is stranger than anything the mind could invent.» That’s something my friend likes to say...

& Kitty: My friend was only half right— life is strange, but... it’s also good.

& Det. Bell: He’s just been staring at ’em.
    Holmes: I was waiting for Watson. As you know, I find nothing helps clear up a case like stating it to another person.
    Det. Bell: What am I?

& Watson: He’s got a doctorate in botany and genetic engineering.
    Holmes: Doesn’t look like your average doctor, does he?
    Watson: No. Looks like Point Break and Magic Mike had a baby.
    Holmes: ......
    Watson: They’re, uh...
    Holmes: Trifles of the cinema, I take it.

---

& Kitty: This is new.
    Holmes: Complete inversions allow the human body to flush and detoxify the adrenal glands, which studies have linked to more positive thinking and an increase in reasoning skills. You really must try it sometime...

& Holmes: The motives of some women are inscrutable. Their most trivial action may mean volumes, their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin.

& Holmes: As I explained, this is no mere flower. This is the Wu...
    Watson: Wutai Pingtung. It’s rare. I get it.
    Holmes: An honest politician is rare. A marriage worth the bother is rare. This is the only orchid of its kind in existence.

& Holmes: Murderers.
    Det. Bell: Who?
    Holmes: All of them.

& Holmes: You know, decorum forbids me from showing my emotions during an interview such as this one, but I assure you, on the inside, I am doubled over with laughter.

& Holmes: ...And now Inside Me is soiling himself.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Action Mans & Wise Mans

The Wrong Mans 2×3 & 4

& Maya: What bombs have you made?
    Sam: Well, you name it.
    Maya: No, you name it. We spent a lot of money to get you here. I want to know that you are the people we need.
    Sam: Oh, erm... Car bombs. Time bombs. Time bombs that we’ve put in cars. Car time bombs. Erm...
    Phil: Jager bombs, running bombs and once we put a whole tube of Mentos in a three litre bottle of Coke and, you know, that, that... It really did go absolutely everywhere.

& Espinosa: And the eye?
    Kinsman: Yeah, that’s the bad news. They took it.
    Espinosa: The two, Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dumber?

& Sam: I don’t want to make a dirty great dirty bomb for a bunch of terrorists, Phil. For one thing, I can’t.
    Phil: Hm. I think I actually could, but, yeah, point taken, it’s not ideal.

& Phil: I’m not Mitch Steele!
    Sam: We’re not chemical experts.
    Phil: We’re just a couple of guys in a band on our way to England to play some shows.
    Sam: What? No, we’re not!
    Phil: No, we work for a trucking company in Texas.
    Sam: No, we work for the council, or we used to.
    Phil: I, I don’t work for the council, I just work in the building. I’m sub-contracted.

& Sam: I mean, why does this shit always happen to us?
    Phil: What shit?
Ω !!!! Bazinga!

& Phil: Yeah, I mean that has only happened once, to be fair. And anyway, maybe it’s not shit happening to us. Maybe it’s us happening to shit.

---

& Phil: What are you taking?
    Sam: Money. You?
    Phil: Snacks.
    Sam: Hmm, useful.

& Phil: I think it’s doable.
    Sam: Yes, for other people.
    Phil: It’s only a width. It’s not even a length.
    Sam: I’m telling you, there is no way we could swim the English Channel in December.

& Phil: Let me spell this out for you in plain French. Angleterre, baby, maintenant!
    French pilot: You want me to fly to England?
    Phil: No shit, Poirot!

& French skydiver: Hey, how do we get home from here?
    Sam: If you really want to get home, you’ll find a way.

& Sam: Sorry, which is it, SAS or a ninja you’re going to be?
    Phil: I’ll let you worry about the labels, Sam. I’m an enigma. What you see is what you get.

& Phil: Who is that?
    Sam: I don’t know, just run!

& Dimitri: You’re telling me you are the wrong mans?
    Sam: Men, but, yeah.

& Rosa: Adios, Phil.
    Phil: Auf Wiedersehen.

& Phil: I wonder what time midnight mass is.
    Sam: What time do you think it is?
    Phil: I don’t know. It’s usually quite late.
    Sam: Yeah.
    Phil: I’ll Google it.
    Sam: OK.

--
On the IMDb: Action Mans and Wise Mans.

Σ Real nicker here.

True Believer

Resurrection 2×11

& Preacher James: We’ve been chosen, Robert. We have important work to do.

& Margaret: Compliments to the chef.

& Margaret: You may express your gratitude by leaving me in peace.

---

& Elaine: That’s the good thing about the future... It’s what you make of it.

& Henry: Was it a dream?
    Lucille: Which part?
    Henry: Us. Jacob. All of it.
    Lucille: Honey, I don’t care.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Σ Meaningless.

Baby on Board

Modern Family 3×24

& Gloria: Jay, Manny! Good news. Mitch and Cam are getting a new baby today.
    Jay: Really? That’s fantastic.

& Phil: Always keep the rhythm in your feet. Then we’re gonna add just a little party in the shoulders, all right? Now let’s get those arms goin’. No. no, no, no. Arms up here. Arms down here say «I’m white and I’m sorry.» Arms up here say «I don’t know what I’m doing!»
    Alex: I’m not.

& Alex: Yes, my bad-boy prom date is gay. He just doesn’t know it yet, so I’m basically his beard. Pre-beard. His stubble.

---

& Claire: Allow me, if you will, to paint an accurate picture ... of this life you think you want, okay?.. Um, at first, it’s a blast. Buying a dish rack, hanging a sheet up to turn one room into two.
    Phil: Allen-wrenching a bookcase called a Njarnk because you couldn’t afford the Sklurg.
    Claire: But then— Then those bills start rollin’ in, so you gotta pick up some extra shifts, and suddenly— Uh-oh, what’s that? You’re pregnant.
    Phil: You should’ve been safe.
    Claire: Oh, and you’re stressed and exhausted. You’ve got a garage filled with unsold huge T-shirts. And, honey, if you think this kind of stress... is not going to take its toll on that body and that face, think again. Good-bye, beautiful skin. Farewell, silky hair. And hello, Alex’s hand-me-downs, ’cause you can’t afford to shop.
    Haley: Ah.
    Phil: Good one.
    Claire: Mm-hmm.

& Phil: ...Guess what. Suddenly you’re 60 years old, wandering toothless and alone in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
    Haley: Wait a second. How did Dylan get the nuclear codes again?

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

Two and a Half Men 10×17

& Lyndsey: Just because your life didn’t turn out the way you thought, doesn’t mean it’s not a success. I mean, how many people can say they’re a billionaire?
    Walden: One thousand, two hundred and twenty-six.
    Lyndsey: Seriously?! That’s a lot more than I thought.

& Alan: Hey, would you eat expired pudding?
    Walden: ......No.
    Alan: Oh, good. Then I can have it.
    Walden: Knock yourself out.

& Bridget: Walden? What are you doing here?
    Walden: Just drinking a beer, losing faith in humanity, planning to die alone.

---

& Alan: I can’t believe you guys are back together. Walden and Bridget. Bridget and Walden.
    Bridget: And Alan.
    Alan: The Three Musketeers.
    Bridget: Or... three’s a crowd.
    Alan: Or Three’s Company.
    Bridget: Or... three strikes and you’re out!

& Bridget: What are you eating?
    Walden: Oh. It’s a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich with pancakes as the bread. I call it a McWalden.
    Bridget: I call it a McBypass.
    Walden: It has all the basic food groups. Protein, dairy... syrup.

--
On the IMDb

This Is Where I Leave You

& Judd: I don’t understand the shiva. Mom’s not even Jewish, and Dad was an atheist.
    Wendy: A Jewish atheist. And this is what he wanted.

& Rabbi Grodner: They’re shiva chairs. You sit low to the ground as a sign of mourning. That’s why they’re like that.
    Judd: Don’t some people sit shiva for three days?
    Wendy: I’ve seen that. That’s a thing.
    Rabbi Grodner: It’s not a thing.
    Judd: Maybe that could be our thing.
    Rabbi Grodner: It can’t be.
    Wendy: They do it in California. We could pioneer that.
    Rabbi Grodner: We’re not gonna pioneer it. Nobody here’s gonna pioneer it. The word «shiva» is Hebrew for «seven.» Seven days, no work, no travel. Your ass is in those seats. Those are the rules.
    Judd: I’d love to find the word for «three.»

& Judd: It’s hard to see people from your past... when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up, you know?

& Wendy: And that is the glory of love. We want the ones we can’t have, and we crap all over the ones that we can. Rinse and repeat.

---

& Hillary: You cannot leave this house. We’re sitting shiva.
    Wendy: Mom, you’re sitting in the same spot we put our Christmas tree.

& Penny: Cut yourself some slack, Judd. Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time.

& Judd: You ever think before you speak?
    Phillip: No, that would take all the fun out of it.

& Judd: How are you so okay?
    Hillary: I think with every passing day... I remember your father less as a sick, frail patient... and more as that strong, vibrant man I was married to all those years... Also, I’m popping Xanax like Tic Tacs.

& Wendy: Love causes cancer. Like everything else. But it’s still love. It has its moments.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Derek 2×7

Christmas Special

& Tom: It’s not the best job in the world, but... It’s not great. But it pays money and you need money for things that are great. Like a kid.

& Derek: God rested on Sunday, didn’t he? Hannah don’t. She works seven days a week. Helping people, innit?

& Father Richard: So, you’re both Christian, though.
    Hannah: What do you mean by Christian?
    Tom: What do you mean by both?
    Father Richard: What?

& Father Richard:
    Hannah: Well, I don’t want to lie, so it’s probably fair to say that I don’t go along with all the mumbo jumbo side of it, but I do try and live a good life, and I am forgiving.
    Tom: I’m Jewish.
    Father Richard: Jewish...
    Tom: Yeah. Again, I was raised Jewish, but I don’t believe in a Jewish God.
    Father Richard: I mean, it’s the same God...
    Tom: OK. Er, I don’t believe in any God.
    Father Richard: Um, well, that... So, neither of you really believe in God, and, er, you’re Jewish...
    Kev: So, have you not got a foreskin?

& Derek: We all needs a mate... It’s natural. And it might take you a while to find the right one, but you will. And you might lose ’em, but it was good that you found them in the first place.

& Derek: Joan used to say, «If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.»

& Derek: If we can’t care for everyone, what’s the point?

---

& Kev: It’s not that I can’t live without drink, all right? I’ve just given up trying to be happy.

& Hannah: Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to stop drinking. You’re going to stop drowning your sorrows and get through your day sober. And you will lay awake at night wishing you were dead and you’ll wake up in the morning wishing you were dead but you’re just going to get through it and that will keep going on, all right? You’ll keep wishing you were dead, waking up wishing you were dead, but one night, you’ll sleep, and one morning, you’ll wake up wishing you were dead just a little bit less and then you’ll stop wishing you were dead altogether. And you’ll start wishing you had a better life. And then you’ll start living. And that will all have been because of Derek.

& Hannah: I forgot the father of the bride makes a speech.
    Kev: I think we’re all agreed this is quite a tragic event. They couldn’t do a church. She’s dressed in white when she’s about to drop a sprog. She works 60 hours a week while her new husband works on the bins. They haven’t got a pot to piss in, money-wise, hence the low-budget reception in an old people’s home with some of the worst guests you could imagine... Definitely. The best man is an absolute psycho. No offence, mate... And her dad is dead, hence me of all people giving her away. And they’ve got no honeymoon whatsoever to look forward to... Awful. And it got me thinking, «Has there ever been a worse wedding than this?» And then I remembered a story I was told when I was at school.
        On April 29th, 1945, in Berlin, with the Russian army closing in, Adolf Hitler, in his bunker, married the love of his life Eva Braun. They drank champagne, ate some cake and retired to bed. In the morning, Eva took some cyanide, Adolf shot himself in the head and the gardener burnt their bodies. And that is a worse wedding than this. To the bride and groom.
    — To the bride and groom!
    Derek: Well done, Kev.

& Hannah: D’you know what we’ve called him?
    Derek: Justin Timberlake!
    Hannah: No!
    Derek: What?
    Hannah: Derek.
    Derek: Really?
    Hannah: Yeah.
    Derek: Baby Derek.
    Hannah: We hope he turns out as brilliant as you. He’d better. Cos Derek’s a fucking dreadful name.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Brilliant. Just & simply brilliant. Very touching. As always.

Magical Thinking

American Horror Story: Freak Show

4×11

& Jimmy: You want to cut off my hands?!
    Stanley: Just the left one.

& Stanley: Don’t worry, Jimmy, you’re in my hands now.

& Chester: I’m sorry. She relaxes me.
    Dot: Whatever you need.
    Bette: Yeah.

& Detective: Look, buddy... who knows what’s going through their jumbled minds? They’re freaks.

---

& Chester: Officer, Officer, thank God you’re here. You have to put out an all-points bulletin immediately. My Marjorie has been abducted!.. Please, she’s just a girl. She’s got brown hair and the sweetest smile. She stands about, uh, two and a half feet tall, fully extended. She must be so frightened without me.
    Elsa: Mr. Creb, are you talking about your puppet?

& Chester: No... Marjorie, no.
    Marjorie: They should have let us join in. We should have been included.

& Desiree: Say it, Dell. Who’d you kill?

--
On the IMDb

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Il buono, il brutto, il cattivo

& Tuco: There are two kinds of people in the world my friend. Those with a rope around their neck... and the people who have the job of doing the cutting. Listen, the neck at the end of the rope is mine! I run the risks. So the next time I want more than half!
    Blondie: You may run the risks, my friend, but I do the cutting. We cut down my percentage... it might interfere with my aim.
    Tuco: But if you miss you had better miss very well. Whoever double-crosses me and leaves me alive... he understands nothing about Tuco. Nothing!

& Blondie: Such ingratitude after all the times I’ve saved your life.

& Tuco: If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?

& Tuco: There are two kinds of spurs my friend. Those that come in by the door... and those that come in by the window. Take off that pistol belt.
    Blondie: It’s empty.
    Tuco: Mine isn’t.

---

& Tuco: One hundred miles. That’s a nice walk. What was it you told me the last time?.. ’If you save your breath I feel a man like you could manage it.’ And if you won’t manage it you’ll die. Only slowly. Very slowly, old friend.

& Tuco: Don’t die until later!

& Tuco: When you have to shoot shoot! Don’t talk.

& Blondie: Put your drawers on and take your gun off.

& Blondie: You see, in this world there’s two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

+ Soundtrack!!

Magic in the Moonlight

& Stanley: You know, I don’t know who I loathe more, those who use simple tricks to prey on the gullible, or the gullible, who are so stupid, they deserve what they get.

& Stanley: Doesn’t he know that scientists are among the easiest to fool?

& Howard: I began to doubt my own clear thinking. You know, I thought, «Maybe, she’s the real thing.»
    Stanley: There is no real thing, Howard! It’s all phony! From the séance table, to the Vatican and beyond!

& Grace: I’ve always known there had to be more to this life than meets the eye. How could it be that what we see is all there is to everything? And, that’s such a bleak thought. Why would God go to so much trouble if everything comes to nothing?

& Sophie: I was receiving some mental impressions...

& Sophie: Can I ask what time of day that might be? Just in case I ever need to look my best for a job interview?
    Stanley: Dusk. You’re prettiest at about 8:20 in the summer, when the light is fading.

---

& Stanley: Life’s not fair, Howard. In fact, as a general rule, as I’ve often said, it’s pretty nasty. Because of Sophie, I began to succumb to magical thinking. And for a while, I was actually happy. But I was happy as a fool is happy. Happiness is not the natural human condition.

& Sophie: And you won’t forgive me?
    Stanley: Well, I can’t forgive you. Only God can forgive you.
    Sophie: But you said there is no God.
    Stanley: Precisely my point.

& Stanley: «What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.» A great man said that.
    Aunt Vanessa: Not the «God is dead» fellow?
    Stanley: The very same.
    Aunt Vanessa: Nevertheless, I think he was wrong. What doesn’t kill us often knocks the hell out of us.
    Stanley: Well, sometimes a close call wakes a person up.

& Stanley: How little that [foolish] logic means when placed next to Sophie’s smile.
    Aunt Vanessa: What are you saying?
    Stanley: That the world may or may not be without purpose, but it’s not totally without some kind of magic.

--
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Tableau Vivant

Modern Family 3×23

& Gloria: «The Jay Pritchett»? I don’t understand. They named you after a sandwich?
    Jay: No, they named a sandwich after me.
    Gloria: Turkey, bacon, Swiss cheese, red peppers, anchovies on wheat?

& Phil: Confrontation. Hate it. I-l avoid it at all costs. Terrible at it. Once, I-l, uh- I tried to break up with a girl, and I danced around it so much, she didn’t know I had broken up with her. Twenty years later, we’re still married.

---

& Manny: You’re not a hero.
    Luke: I put out a fire.
    Manny: A fire you started.
    Luke: Was there a fire?
    Manny: Yes.
    Luke: Did I put it out?
    Manny: That’s not-
    Luke: Answer the question.
    Manny: Yes.
    Luke: I’m getting an award for it. If they gave awards for starting fires, I’d be getting one of those too.

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Марго Ланаган — Черный сок

Отпевание сестренки

  “И вот мы прихватили циновки, чтобы стоять, и всей семьей спустились к смоляной яме. ...

&  Думать надо, когда выбираешь, кого тебе полюбить. Неровен час, любовь разбудит в тебе зверя. У многих под сердцем дремлет зверь...

  ... Я прижался к Матушке, зарылся лицом в теплую шею — и поплыл в темноту, покачиваясь на сильных теплых руках.”

Визгль

  “Я не скажу, что Харроу-младший красавчик. ...

&  Он еще чем-то недоволен, ворчит. Эти глупые дети понятия не имеют, как им повезло. У них есть отец, которого можно слушаться. А у некоторых и мать. У них есть школа, куда можно ходить, дом, где можно наводить порядок, соха, которую можно тащить, когда у отца разболится спина. Дни заполнены заботой, все расписано по часам — разве бывает большее счастье? Попробовали бы они хоть недельку послоняться без дела! Небось, сразу бы затосковали по своим веникам... Им не понять, как мучительно может тянуться день.

&  Хитрая это штука, море. С первого же свидания сажает в душу свои крючки, чтобы потом в любой момент — запахом ли, знакомым ли шумом — подсечь тебя и потащить, словно рыбу.

&  Надо же быть такой дурой! Еще красивым его считала. Надеялась на что то. Бегала, подсматривала за ним. Своим называла. Недаром говорится: любовная лихорадка. А сейчас любовь испарилась, и осталась одна лихорадка.

  ... И во всем уцелевшем мире никто, кроме меня, не может различить среди запахов крови, дерьма, слизи и гнилых овощей слабую, но острую струю: соленое дыхание океанского бриза.”

---

Заговор на весну

  “Ветер не позволяет себе ничего личного: не воет, не рычит. ...

&  С трудом поднявшись, я бросаю непогоде слова, что в маминой спальне, стесняясь, бормотал вполголоса. Тогда они звучали глупо и неуместно, но теперь, среди бушующей стихии, кажутся в самый раз. Такие слова не стыдно швырнуть в лицо ветру. В конце концов, что еще есть у человека в арсенале, кроме слов?

  ... А за ней, утопая в гомоне и сырости, потягивается спросонок первый день весны.”

Малютка Джейн

  “— Хорошо хоть ночь выдалась теплая и ясная, — сказала мама. ...

&  Нет, в мире не может произойти ничего плохого, пока есть мама и рядом ровно дышит во сне отец, правда?

  ... Девочка мутными глазками смотрела на потолок и стропила, вдыхая тепло нового, незнакомого мира.”

Творец мышей

  “— Кто это затеял?! — Бет отчаянно вырывалась из рук вцепившихся в нее женщин. ...

&  Ох уж эти добропорядочные граждане! Какое-то время я готов терпеть их надоедливое общество, но порой от них хочется сбежать на край света.

  ... Ведь никто не знает, к чему может привести такое умение и как оно повлияет на мою судьбу.”

The Space Probe Disintegration

The Big Bang Theory 8×12

& Penny: All right, let’s see. What’s something fun the guys would never take us to do? Oh, I know— we could go horseback riding.
    Amy: I actually can’t. My hips don’t open wider than 22 degrees.

& Amy: I actually can’t go ice-skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles.
    Penny: Is there any part of your body that’s normal?
    Amy: :-) Ah-m.

& Penny: All right, keep thinking.
    Sheldon: You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?
    Leonard: Well, yeah!

& Raj: Ugh, I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack.
    Howard: You work in pharmaceuticals— don’t you have anything you can give him?
    Bernadette: All I have is our new urine flow drug. Won’t help with his anxiety, but it’s so strong, when he pees he’ll fly around the room like he’s got a jet pack.

& Howard: Maybe you need to do something more productive.
    Raj: Okay. Ah. If I make this shot in the trash can, the probe will have arrived in perfect working order.
    Howard: So, in addition to being crazy, you’re resting the fate of the mission on your athletic prowess?

& Raj: Okay. It all... comes down... to this.
    Howard: You happy? Now you can relax.
    Raj: What kind of scientist are you? Everyone knows you got to make two out of three.

& Leonard: This isn’t so bad.
    Sheldon: That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section... Boy, that’s a lot of panties.

---

& Leonard: Uh, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no cell service in here.
    Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.
    Leonard: That’s true.
    Sheldon: I’ll look them up... Son of a biscuit!

& Sheldon: If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.
    Leonard: I-I’m sorry? You make compromises for me?
    Sheldon: All the time.
    Leonard: ....On Earth? In our lives? That-That we’re living?

& Leonard: A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how.
    Sheldon: Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.
    Leonard: What? Then-Then why don’t you do it?
    Sheldon: Uh, well, it’s scary. And sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But, more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can’t take that away from you, so... what do I do?.... Oh, come on, I’m practically feeding you the answer! I compromise.

& Raj: If it’s okay with you, I’d like to go to temple.
    Howard: Buddy, trust me, you don’t want to convert to Judaism. I mean, I know I make it look cool, but... it’s not all briskets and dreidels.
    Raj: I meant a Hindu temple.
    Howard: Oh. Okay... It’s not like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, right? Some bald guy with horns isn’t gonna rip my heart out.
    Raj: Dude, that movie’s an imperialist fantasy that makes the followers of a beautiful and peaceful religion look like a bunch of bloodthirsty barbarians.
    Howard: You love that movie.
    Raj: Yeah, it’s pretty great.

& Amy: How’s it going in there?
    Penny: Eh. Not really a great outfit for work, unless something opens up in the hookers and whores division.

& Sheldon: .....Oh, here’s another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an «A,» but I don’t put it there because I don’t want you breaking one of your little legs when you’re supposed to be making my breakfast.

& Leonard: Is it my turn to talk about the compromises I make?
    Sheldon: I wasn’t done, but go ahead... He said, compromising.

& Sheldon: You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is... you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.

--
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