Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

Two and a Half Men 10×15

& Jake: You’ve already made up your mind and you don’t know her... Let me ask you this. If you’ve never tasted a strawberry ice cream cone in your life... how do you know what it tastes like?
    Alan: What?!
    Jake: My point is, you’ve never licked Tammy.
    Alan: ...... I don’t know how to respond to that.
    Jake: Yeah, you don’t. She’s delicious.

& Alan: Fine, bring her up here so I can meet her.
    Jake: Okay, I will. I’ve got leave next weekend.
    Alan: You know where I live.
    Jake: Yeah, someone else’s house.
    Berta: He’s a dull blade, but he cuts deep.

& Alan: He’s obsessed with this woman. It’s like he’s been brainwashed by some cult.
    Walden: What guy hasn’t? I’m sorry, you said «cult.»

& Walden: I think you’re getting all worked up over nothing.
    Alan: Nothing? She’s 36 years old!
    Walden: So? I’m 34.
    Alan: Yeah, and I don’t want you dating my son either.
    Walden: Ouch.

& Alan: Did you hear that, Walden? She owns a tattoo parlor.
    Walden: That sounds fun.
    Tammy: Yeah, it’s called Tammy’s Tatties.
    Jake: It makes guys think of boobs.
    Alan: Thank you!

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& Jake: Was I right or what? Isn’t Tammy awesome?
    Alan: She seems great. But you have to acknowledge that this is an unusual relationship. I mean, she’s old enough to have you as her kid.
    Jake: So what? You are too.
    Walden: He’s got a point. Doesn’t make any sense, but it’s a point.

& Jake: I was wondering if you know why my dad’s being such a jerk?
    Walden: Oh, dads worry. That’s their job.

& Alan: Oh, Jake, you can’t possibly be this stupid.
    Jake: It doesn’t matter what you think of me.
    Tammy: But why the hell do you have such a low opinion of your son?
    Alan: Because I know him!
    Berta: Could be worse. He could be one of those showbiz kids who goes off the rails.

& Alan: I can’t believe I’m not gonna be there to see my only son get married.
    Walden: If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure you’ll have many more opportunities.
    Berta: I got married in Vegas and divorced in Reno. Hell of a weekend...

& Jake: I’ve been, uh, thinking about names for when Tammy and I have our first kid.
    Alan: You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?
    Walden: Yep. Although I am a little worried about a third generation of freeloaders living here.

& Jake: What do you think about ’Walden Harper’?
    Walden: I like it.
    Alan: No!
    Jake: All right, then I guess it’s down to either Alan or Xiang Xao.
    Alan: Xiang Xao?
    Jake: Yeah, I gotta be ready, Dad. They say one out of every three babies born is Chinese.
    Walden: I love it.

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