Schooled

Modern Family 4×2

& Phil: Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.
    Haley: Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.
    Claire: Don’t say a word.
    Phil: No. No. I agree with that premise.
    Claire: Thank you. Wait..... Yeah, thank you.

& Phil: Claire.
    Claire: Mm-hmm?
    Phil: In Haley’s stuff, a box of condoms.
    Claire: Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
    Phil: What? Why don’t you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse’s outfit? Not that that’s my thing. That just popped into my head.

& Phil: «Phil’s-osophy.» A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I’ve learned, such as... «Always look people in the eye, even if they’re blind. Just say, ’I’m looking you in the eye.’» or... «If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea.» «Phil’s-osophy.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you if you just lower your expectations.»

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& Phil’s-osophy: «Take a lesson from parakeets. If you’re ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you’ll always be wearing a parent-chute.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Older black ladies make the best iced tea.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «You can tell a lot about a person from his biography.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «Watch a sunrise at least once a day.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «If you love something, set it free, unless it’s a tiger.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «If you’re ever in jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache.»

& Phil’s-osophy: «When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, ’what?!’»

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+ quotes on the IMDb