Run, Steven Staven! Run!

Two and a Half Men 10×14

& Lyndsey: Do you believe I’m gonna have sex with you tonight?
    Alan: I can’t believe you ever have sex with me. But you’re here now, you look lovely, you have an empty bladder. Why not?

& Berta: You know who knew relationships? Your brother.
    Alan: Heh. Oh, please. His lasted an hour at a time. An hour and a half if he was drunk.
    Berta: Exactly. He treated women like rental cars. You pay for them when you need them... and it’s someone else’s job to empty out the trunk and hose them down.
    Walden: Well, I’m not paying for sex. And he can’t afford to.
    Alan: I don’t need a hooker, I have Lyndsey.
    Walden: You should lead with that when you apologize to her.

& Billy: I’m glad that my pain can make you happy.
    Walden: Oh, you have no idea. Let me paint you a word picture. Flowers are blooming, birds are singing, angels are farting rainbows...

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& Alan: I don’t think Judith’s gonna be too happy to see me.
    Herb: Oh. Don’t worry. She’s gone.
    Alan: Okay, when you say «gone,» do you mean she’s traveling? Or is her head in that cooler?

& Herb: She left me, Alan.
    Alan: Oh, my God, what happened?
    Herb: I had a moment of weakness with my receptionist. Actually, 36 and a half moments of weakness...
    Alan: A half?
    Herb: Judith walked in during 37.
    Alan: Herb, how could you?!
    Herb: This is my receptionist.
    Alan: I would have finished 37 while she was watching!

& Billy: Oh, Alan’s girlfriend is taller than I would have thought.
    Alan: Herb, you remember Walden. This is Billy.
    Herb: Oh. Hello, Billy. Alan tells me you got dumped by Walden’s ex-wife. I got dumped by Alan’s ex-wife. I guess that makes us dump brothers.

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