Lucifer 4×3
Lucifer: Forgive me, Father... for not offering you a drink.
Lucifer: Vatican investigator? Sounds like a soon-to-be-canceled TV show.
Father Kinley: You need to be careful, Mr. Morningstar. God knows what she has planned for you...
Dan: It's not funny, Chloe. I swear he only exists to... torture me.
Lucifer: I just meant... a celestial impregnating a human... How is it even possible?
Amenadiel: And, if it is, how has this not already happened to you?
Lucifer: True.
Lucifer: You are here on Earth, so, if it's any consolation, you couldn't do worse than our father.
Amenadiel: How do you know that?
Lucifer: Because ours was literally never there.
Lucifer: Unbelievable as it may seem, being the actual devil does have its downsides. I can't get drunk on normal, human amounts of alcohol. I only drink because I like the taste.
Ella: It's always the ones you least suspect, the ones you trust the most, that hurt you. They wait until your guard is down and then... WHAM!! In my case, it was tequila.
Lucifer: What do you do when someone has betrayed you? Normally I'd go straight to punishment, fire, brimstone, public humiliation via YouTube...
Lucifer: I just need you to tell me how to deal with her.
Linda: Cautiously, Lucifer. There may be a very reasonable explanation for Chloe's behavior.
Like a spouse who suspects their partner's been cheating, an accusation of betrayal is a bell that can't be un-rung.
Lucifer: T— Translation, doctor?
Ella: No, no, you're right. Practice what you preach. And right now... I'm not sure what I'm preaching.
Lucifer: Thank you for your honesty. I like honesty. Now, if you wouldn't mind sharing with us a sympathetic and logical explanation for your betrayal.
Mazikeen: Is it true that human spawn erupt from their mothers' bodies in a ceremony of blood and pain?
Linda: What?
Mazikeen: In hell... torture via birth was a favorite. If half of what we did is accurate... your sex holes are never going back to normal.
Lucifer: ...so tell me. What did you desire?
Amenadiel: This one's good, because this Dr. Spock... he seems to know the most about babies.
Lucifer: A ceremony to banish the devil to hell? That is priceless. Ha-ha! No, seriously, you all need to take End of Days out of the Vatican movie night rotation. Definitely not one of Arnold's best.
Amenadiel: Will you marry me?!
Chloe: You are the... actual devil. I mean... every story of good and bad from throughout history, throughout time, says that you are the embodiment of evil. And how am I, Chloe Decker, a nobody... supposed to deal with that?
Father Kinley: I'm trying to save lives. To stop the prophecy... When the devil walks the earth and finds his first love, evil shall be released.
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