26 нояб. 2016 г.

The Brand New Testament

Le tout nouveau testament


& Ea: God exists. He lives in Brussels. He’s an asshole. He’s horrible to his wife and daughter.

& Ea: That is my father. He’s God. Even before the creation of the world my father was already bored. So, he made Brussels.

& Ea: He needed something to relax and forget all that. That’s when he got the idea of humanity: All his toys, that he could watch suffer and struggle. A lot of misery and a little happiness, to give them false hope. It took him 8 years, but after all, it worked pretty well.

& Ea: My father attained a certain degree of virtuosity. Since then, he spent his days inventing new Laws of Universal Pain-in-the-assness.

& Dieu: I need to formulate this right...
  • Law 2127: The quantity of sleep, needed, is always ten more minutes.
  • Law 2129: When a body is submerged in a bathtub the telephone rings.
  • Law 2125: A slice of bread always falls jam side down, otherwise the jam is on the wrong side.
  • Law 2126: dishes never break until after they’ve been washed.
  • Law 2218: The next line always moves faster.
  • Law 2231: Pain in the ass never come one at a time.


& Jésus Christ: Go with your feeling. You don’t have to justify it. Choose any six from papa’s archive, give’em a little miracle, and you’re set.
    Ea: I can’t make miracles.
    Jésus Christ: Just a small miracle, something you can handle. Then with your 6 apostles, write a Brand New Testament.
    Ea: I don’t want’em talking about me.
    Jésus Christ: Make it about them. A Brand New Testament in which the apostles talk about themselves. That’d be so totally new!
    Ea: You know, I can’t write well.
    Jésus Christ: Delegate to someone who can. You think I wrote mine by myself?

& Ea: Thanks, J.C. you’re cool.

& Jésus Christ: Giving men knowledge of their own death... Crazy!

& Victor: Can you turn water into wine?
    Ea: No.
    Victor: Can you walk on water?
    Ea: No.
    Victor: Then you won’t get far.

& Aurélie: ...He said: Girly... Life is like a skating rink. A lot of people fall. A lot of people fall.
    Victor: How do you write ’skating rink’? Two t’s or two n’s?

& Ea: For a long time, Jean-Claude was one of the greatest adventurers the world has ever known. Then one day, nobody knows how, it stopped. Then his life became very small...
    Victor: It’s called reality, an ugly thing.

& Ea: Jean-Claude lived a shitty little life. He traded the hours of his life for a shitty job with shitty hours. When he found out how much time he had left to live... he sat on a bench. And he decided never to move again.

& La femme de Dieu: ... 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... 13, 14, 15!

& Priest: Such a beautiful face. It radiates peace... God tells us, ’love your neighbor as yourself’.
    Dieu: I never said that.
    Priest: Pardon?
    Dieu: I never said that! I detest myself, so I’d never say it. I’d say, I dunno... detest your neighbor as you detest yourself.

& Ea: Francois was one of the many victims of ’Law 1522′ invented by my father. If, one day, you fall in love with a woman, there’s a great chance you will not spend your life with her.

& François: Shall we read a few lines of our Brand New Testament?
    Victor: «Life is like a skating rink.»
    Aurélie: That was me.
    Victor: «If there was no air birds would fall.»

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Σ nostradamvs:..... И ещё я подумал потом – а как бы я жил, если бы точно знал дату и время собственной смерти?

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