Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

Two and a Half Men 7×4

& Chelsea: Did I do something wrong?
    Charlie: Yeah, you anthropomorphized him.
    Chelsea: What?
    Charlie: It means treating something that’s not human as if it is. You know, like you do with your cat. Which, frankly, makes more sense.
    Chelsea: I’m starting to think Jake resents me.
    Charlie: See? You’re still doing it. Look, you can’t take it personal, he’s a teenager. You know, that awkward stage between junior high and methadone clinic.

& Melissa: How can I go back there after his fiancé called me a tramp?
    Alan: She didn’t mean it. That was just when she found out you’d slept with Charlie.
    Melissa: It doesn’t bother you, does it?
    Alan: Well, yeah, yeah, a bit. You know, but, you know, beggars can’t be choosers. And I love you!

& Alan: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to maintain a relationship... when you don’t have a place?
    Charlie: .... If I didn’t have a place of my own, I’d be worried about... more important things than a relationship. Like, you know, getting a place of my own.
    Alan: So you’re saying I’m not entitled to a relationship?
    Charlie: No. I’m saying if you can’t afford dog food, you don’t get a dog.
    Alan: Oh, great. So I’m just supposed to be alone?
    Charlie: No, you’re supposed to get your own freaking place.
    Alan: Just because you keep saying it doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen.

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& Alan: I’m gonna work with Mom and she’s gonna give me a piece of the action.
    Evelyn: No, I said having an assistant would give me a little peace... so I could get some action.
    Alan: Well, whatever, it’s a start. Let’s go.
    Evelyn: No, dear, I say “let’s go.”
    Alan: Oh. Oh, okay.
    Evelyn: Let’s go. Oh, stop. Take my bag... Now let’s go. This is gonna be fun.

& Alan: So the people who own this live mostly in New York?
    Evelyn: Have homes all over the place. Probably don’t remember they have this one.
    Alan: Hardly seems fair.
    Evelyn: You want fair, go live on a kibbutz.
    Alan: Funny. How does that work exactly? Do you have to be Jewish?

& Charlie: We need to talk about your kid and my fiancé.
    Alan: I already talked to him and he promised to stay out of her underwear drawer.
    Charlie: What?!
    Alan: Not that he ever went into it. Just a precaution.

& Melissa: I wanna make love to you in every room in this house.
    Alan: I don’t see any reason why not, as long as we bring the towel. Of course, we’re gonna have to wait about a half-hour... give my erectile medication a chance to overcome my antidepressants.
    Melissa: You’re a complicated man, Alan Harper.

& Alan: First of all, let me explain the erection.

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