Erica & Callum

Dates 1×6

& Callum: Are you Erica?
    Erica: Yeah?
    Callum: I’m your date!

& Callum: Smartphones. Magic, eh? A few years ago we had no way of telling that you’re wrong and I’m right.
    Erica: Yeah...

& Callum: The food is extraordinary. But, um, you cannae trust them.
    Erica: Who?
    Callum: I’m no racist, right? But to them we’re just imperialist pig dogs. They’ll screw you over as soon as look at you.
    Erica: Right, er... They?

& Callum: Cannae mess about with these people. Tiananmen Square, man. Look it up.

& Callum: So tell me about yourself. You’re in PR, no?
    Erica: Er, yeah.
    Callum: PR, man... Public Relations. Way I see it, the public don’t need relating to. The time for relating is over. All this fucking X Factor bollocks. The public need a smack up the bracket, wake the fuckers up.
    Erica: Yeah. I just try to sell them perfume...

& Callum: Well, let me tell you... looking out for folk is overrated. It’s a mug’s game. Only you can decide who you are, what you do, who you fuck, whatever. I’ve thought long and hard about this because people used to try and tell me what to do. “Callum, stop doing that. Callum, don’t go in there. Callum, she’s too young for you...” Eventually I thought, “Ah, fuck off!” Cos nobody gets to tell you or anybody what to do. It’s the only law we’ve got. No matter how they make you feel, no matter how good the advice seems, never let anyone ever, ever, ever tell you what to do. Ever.

---

& Callum: Zero tolerance, love. The name of the game.

& Erica: Why do all your stories involve balls?
    Callum: I don’t know. But they do, eh?

& Erica: So where are you on this continuum, hmm? From one to ten — one being straight as a line, ten... as gay as Christmas.

& Callum: You’re not a ten. You’re not even a nine, or an eight. I’d say... you’re a solid six.
    Erica: Six?! So, what, that’s... one above bisexual?

& Erica: Er, listen...
    Callum: No, no, you listen. I’ve been on a lot of dates with a lot of girls...
    Erica: Really?!
    Callum: Well, two, including this one, and the other so-called “girl” turned out to be... That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you had a chance to go and you never took that.

& Erica: Callum?
    Callum: Let me tell you something, missy... I may be an arrogant Scottish twat, but at least I’ve got my self-respect! This oh-so-meek bollocks may fool your brother, but it doesnae fool me! You’re just a scared wee girl, who doesn’t know who she is or what she’s doing.
    Erica: No, I... I’m not...
    Callum: I might be arrogant, but I’m also a beautiful, flawed, multi-faceted, complex individual with a lot of love to give, and you’re... just a ghost. A big, gay ghost, who thinks that I’m arrogant, and doesn’t fancy me!

& Callum: Never surrender! Zero tolerance!

& Callum: No, Erica, if you’re going to be a lesbian, you’ve got to grow a pair...

--
On the IMDb