818-jklpuzo

Two and a Half Men 7×1

& Mia: Let me give you my number.
    Charlie: You still at 696-336-725?
    Mia: Yeah. I can’t believe you remember it.
    Charlie: Well, I have a little memory trick. You change the numbers to letters, it spells out “oxofempal.”

& Jake: Hey, Berta, what do you know about Percocet?
    Berta: Three of them with a Mickey’s Big Mouth... can make you run buck-naked through a Taco Bell.

& Berta: That’s a pretty mouth, but it ain’t made for singing.
    Jake: What’s it made for?
    Alan: Eating!
    Jake: Oh. I thought maybe she meant oral sex.

& Chelsea: So how’d it go?
    Charlie: Well, um, how can I put this? She’s the picture you stick on the cover of an album... by a fat girl who can actually sing.

---

& Charlie: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
    Dr. Linda: No problem, Charlie, just as long as you’re willing to pay my weekend rates.
    Charlie: You’ve got weekend rates?
    Dr. Linda: Yep, and you probably don’t wanna waste time haggling.

& Charlie: Well, you might not think it’s a big emergency, but trust me, it is.
    Dr. Linda: Okay.
    Charlie: I’m really constipated.
    Dr. Linda: You do realize which end of the body I specialize in?
    Charlie: I know, I know. I’m not here for an enema.
    Dr. Linda: Good, because that couch isn’t Scotchgarded.

& Charlie: I’m thinking it’s psychosomatic... because I’ve tried coffee, fiber, laxatives... and something my housekeeper said was a suppository... but I now suspect was a practical joke.
    Dr. Linda: All right. So psychosomatic constipation.
    Charlie: Good name for a rock band, huh?
    Dr. Linda: Weekend rates, Charlie...

& Dr. Linda: As soon as you pick one, you can go two.
    Charlie: What happens if I can’t pick?
    Dr. Linda: I don’t know. C-section?

& Charlie: Anyway, she said I have to resolve the conflict... because my emotions are connected to my lower intestine.
    Alan: That makes sense. You think with your penis and your head’s up your ass.

& Charlie: The baby just kicked.
    Alan: Baby?
    Charlie: Well, it’s not technically a baby, but we know it’s gonna look like you.

& Andrew: Maybe we could sweeten her vocals with some reverb... a little echo, lay guitar over it.
    Charlie: We could lay car horns and barking dogs over it. Won’t help.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb