My Son's Enormous Head

Two and a Half Men 6×18

& Charlie: You know, when dogs are sick they hide till they feel better. Probably why they’re man’s best friend...

& Alan: This isn’t a Clint Eastwood movie.
    Charlie: Yes, it is. Even Clint Eastwood doesn’t think this is a Clint Eastwood movie.
    Alan: Well, tough, I like it.
    Charlie: Sure, you do. You’re a giant fruit basket.
    Alan: I’ll never apologize for my femine side.

& Chelsea: Charlie?.. You awake?
    Charlie: ... Boy, I hope not.

& Charlie: Hey, Berta, Chelsea’s not feeling well. Could you make her some tea and an English muffin?
    Berta: Sure, I could.
    Charlie: But you won’t...

& Alan: So what’s the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?
    Charlie: I’m not sure. Cold-flu-something disgusting.
    Jake: Maybe she has an STD...
    Charlie: What?
    Jake: It means “sexually transmitted disease.”
    Charlie: I know what STD’s are!
    Alan: Your uncle helped invent them.
    Jake: You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.
    Charlie: I know we could’ve prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.
    Jake: I don’t understand.
    Charlie: Go get me a hammer and I’ll show you.
    Jake: Okay.
    Charlie: .... You must be so proud.
    Jake: Ball peen or claw hammer?!
    Alan: Do me a favor when he comes back, just do it.

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& Charlie: Chelsea? Honey?
    Chelsea: Don’t come in.
    Charlie: Wasn’t even tempted... I got your tea and muffins!
    Chelsea: I have diarrhea. I can’t eat now.
    Charlie: I may never eat again.

& Chelsea: Would you mind going to the drugstore for me?
    Charlie: For you, I’d go to the ends of the earth. Coming back’s a whole other question.

& Russell: Okay, here you go. A dam for every river. A plug for every jug.

& Charlie: Oh, right, I almost forgot. She also needs tampons.
    Russell: Oh, lucky you. What size?
    Charlie: How should I know? Is there some kind of a condom-tampon conversion chart?
    Russell: No, but that’s an amusing idea. Actually, it’s not about size, per se. It’s more about flow.
    Charlie: Okay, see, that’s a piece of information I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing.
    Russell: Here you go. Here’s a variety pack. This’ll handle anything from a little drizzle to a monsoon.

& Chelsea: Charlie?
    Charlie: Yeah?
    Chelsea: I love you.
    Charlie: Great.
    Chelsea: Aren’t you gonna say it back?
    Charlie: I’m gonna go pan for cat turds. If that doesn’t say “I love you” nothing does.

& Charlie: I’m not cut out to be a caregiver.
    Alan: Well, you might not think so but you’re doing it. I mean, you, Charlie Harper are unselfishly taking care of the woman you love.
    Charlie: Maybe so, but... it’s getting harder and harder to love her.
    Alan: You don’t mean that.
    Charlie: Oh, Alan if you’d seen and heard the things I have in the last 24 hours it’d turn you gayer than a French horn.
    Alan: Excuse me but I have witnessed childbirth. I saw my son’s enormous head poke out of what used to be one of my very favorite places.
    Charlie: Thanks for the image. I’ll never be able to watch the kid pull on a sweater again.

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