& Charles: Take three deep breaths. This is the only moment you need to be worried about. There’s no yesterday. There’s no tomorrow. There’s just right now. You’re not late for anything. And you’re not gonna miss anything. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. And you’re exactly who you’re supposed to be. You’re absolutely perfect. And whatever happens today is exactly what’s supposed to happen. And if you want... I’ll spend every moment with you for the rest of your life.
& Annie: I was just taking a couple of deep breaths. Someone recommended I try it when I’m nervous.
Debby: You know what else works? Xanax. It’s so good... All benzos, really. But that one works extremely well. Very fast-acting.
Annie: Huh? I never take Xanax.
Debby: Well, you should really try it. If you mix it with wine or beer it sort of supercharges it.
& Debby: Annie. Please. I went to state school. I went to football games and blacked out and got date raped. I had abortions. I worried too much about what my boyfriends thought. I got what I deserved. But that’s not you. You deserve so much more than this.
& Charles: Why did you get stuck with witness protection?
Randy: Because I accidentally discharged my weapon. Once at a gas station and another time at a baseball game.
& Annie: Did you just say “fags”?
Charles: Yeah. But not in, like, a homophobic way. I used it in place of “lame.”
Annie: Why wouldn’t you just say “lame”?
Charles: Well, same reason I say “fuck” instead of “frick.” It packs more punch. It’s basically the swear word version of lame.
Annie: No. It’s not. It’s a hate word used to perpetuate homophobia. It’s used to marginalize gay people.
Charles: You’re acting like you don’t know me. I voted to legalize civil unions. When I had friends, I had a lot of gay friends.
Annie: Then you shouldn’t say “fag.”
Charles: I don’t! I don’t use it in reference to actual people. I mean especially homosexual people.
Annie: So then, that makes it okay?
Charles: Yeah, I think so. I mean morally, I feel fine about it.
Annie: So as long as it’s not in reference to a person, it’s all right?
Charles: ... Okay. I will work on it.
& Charles: I’m gonna tell him if he doesn’t stop following us, I’m gonna pull him out of the car and beat the shit out of him.
Annie: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re not doing that! That’s not how you solve things.
Charles: That’s exactly how you handle this. Especially with a turd like Gil.
Annie: I’m sorry. Which one of us has a doctorate in conflict resolution? ’Cause I think it’s me.
& Dmitri: Now, I’m going to take your dog. But I’m going to tell you something. It’s not cool to wear those tank tops anymore. Unless you’re wearing it ironically or something.
& Charles: I’m sorry I didn’t say that to you, but when I got into witness protection I looked at it as a new beginning. And I knew I wasn’t going to be that guy anymore...
Annie: You’re a bank robber?.. Charlie?!
Charles: No. I didn’t actually rob any of the banks. Alex and Allen did the robbing and I did the driving them to and from the bank robbing.
Annie: Banks? Plural?!
& Charles: The bottom line is in any relationship you can either wallow in the person’s past, or you can look at the person that’s right in front of you and choose to move forward. But you can’t do both.
& Charles: Was it a black guy?
Dmitri: No, it wasn’t a black guy. That’s a pretty fucking racist thing to say. Why would you assume it’s a black guy?
Charles: You think that’s racist?.. I think that’s the opposite of racist. I don’t think it would make a black guy gay to fuck a white dude because we’re such pussies compared to them.
Dmitri: What the fuck are you even talking about right now?!
Charles: I’m saying if I was a black dude I wouldn’t feel the least bit gay about fucking a white guy. I would think a white guy is just like masculine chicks. Like, Ellen. She’s masculine, but I would totally fuck her if I were single.
& Dmitri: It was Filipino!! I was butt-fucked by a Filipino dude, okay? Does that fucking solve your dilemma of what part of the world my ass traveled to?
Charles: Well... I mean, I don’t think... That’s not so bad. I mean, just like all black dudes think of us as women, I think of all Asians as women, you know? Even the men. I feel like you basically hooked up with an Asian lady.
Annie: Charlie, just...
Dmitri: No, I didn’t hook up with anybody, bro. I was raped!
Charles: Okay, listen, I don’t...
Dmitri: Fucking hooked up?
Charles: I’m just trying to help. I feel partly responsible for this and I’m really sorry.
Dmitri: Well that’s a weird angle, bro.
& Annie: I don’t not love you. I’m just terrified that I don’t know you...
Charles: Annie, Annie, Annie, Annie. You know me. You do. You know me more than anyone. And I’m gonna be the exact same person you met and fell in love with for the rest of my life.
Annie: Do you think you can be the exact same person except not say “fag” when you really mean “lame”?
Charles: Yes.
Annie: And not buy into get-rich-quick schemes that profit from war-torn countries?
Charles: Okay. I’ll even throw in stereotyping.
& Annie: How do I look?
Charles: Amazing.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
& Annie: I was just taking a couple of deep breaths. Someone recommended I try it when I’m nervous.
Debby: You know what else works? Xanax. It’s so good... All benzos, really. But that one works extremely well. Very fast-acting.
Annie: Huh? I never take Xanax.
Debby: Well, you should really try it. If you mix it with wine or beer it sort of supercharges it.
& Debby: Annie. Please. I went to state school. I went to football games and blacked out and got date raped. I had abortions. I worried too much about what my boyfriends thought. I got what I deserved. But that’s not you. You deserve so much more than this.
& Charles: Why did you get stuck with witness protection?
Randy: Because I accidentally discharged my weapon. Once at a gas station and another time at a baseball game.
& Annie: Did you just say “fags”?
Charles: Yeah. But not in, like, a homophobic way. I used it in place of “lame.”
Annie: Why wouldn’t you just say “lame”?
Charles: Well, same reason I say “fuck” instead of “frick.” It packs more punch. It’s basically the swear word version of lame.
Annie: No. It’s not. It’s a hate word used to perpetuate homophobia. It’s used to marginalize gay people.
Charles: You’re acting like you don’t know me. I voted to legalize civil unions. When I had friends, I had a lot of gay friends.
Annie: Then you shouldn’t say “fag.”
Charles: I don’t! I don’t use it in reference to actual people. I mean especially homosexual people.
Annie: So then, that makes it okay?
Charles: Yeah, I think so. I mean morally, I feel fine about it.
Annie: So as long as it’s not in reference to a person, it’s all right?
Charles: ... Okay. I will work on it.
& Charles: I’m gonna tell him if he doesn’t stop following us, I’m gonna pull him out of the car and beat the shit out of him.
Annie: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re not doing that! That’s not how you solve things.
Charles: That’s exactly how you handle this. Especially with a turd like Gil.
Annie: I’m sorry. Which one of us has a doctorate in conflict resolution? ’Cause I think it’s me.
& Dmitri: Now, I’m going to take your dog. But I’m going to tell you something. It’s not cool to wear those tank tops anymore. Unless you’re wearing it ironically or something.
& Charles: I’m sorry I didn’t say that to you, but when I got into witness protection I looked at it as a new beginning. And I knew I wasn’t going to be that guy anymore...
Annie: You’re a bank robber?.. Charlie?!
Charles: No. I didn’t actually rob any of the banks. Alex and Allen did the robbing and I did the driving them to and from the bank robbing.
Annie: Banks? Plural?!
& Charles: The bottom line is in any relationship you can either wallow in the person’s past, or you can look at the person that’s right in front of you and choose to move forward. But you can’t do both.
& Charles: Was it a black guy?
Dmitri: No, it wasn’t a black guy. That’s a pretty fucking racist thing to say. Why would you assume it’s a black guy?
Charles: You think that’s racist?.. I think that’s the opposite of racist. I don’t think it would make a black guy gay to fuck a white dude because we’re such pussies compared to them.
Dmitri: What the fuck are you even talking about right now?!
Charles: I’m saying if I was a black dude I wouldn’t feel the least bit gay about fucking a white guy. I would think a white guy is just like masculine chicks. Like, Ellen. She’s masculine, but I would totally fuck her if I were single.
& Dmitri: It was Filipino!! I was butt-fucked by a Filipino dude, okay? Does that fucking solve your dilemma of what part of the world my ass traveled to?
Charles: Well... I mean, I don’t think... That’s not so bad. I mean, just like all black dudes think of us as women, I think of all Asians as women, you know? Even the men. I feel like you basically hooked up with an Asian lady.
Annie: Charlie, just...
Dmitri: No, I didn’t hook up with anybody, bro. I was raped!
Charles: Okay, listen, I don’t...
Dmitri: Fucking hooked up?
Charles: I’m just trying to help. I feel partly responsible for this and I’m really sorry.
Dmitri: Well that’s a weird angle, bro.
& Annie: I don’t not love you. I’m just terrified that I don’t know you...
Charles: Annie, Annie, Annie, Annie. You know me. You do. You know me more than anyone. And I’m gonna be the exact same person you met and fell in love with for the rest of my life.
Annie: Do you think you can be the exact same person except not say “fag” when you really mean “lame”?
Charles: Yes.
Annie: And not buy into get-rich-quick schemes that profit from war-torn countries?
Charles: Okay. I’ll even throw in stereotyping.
& Annie: How do I look?
Charles: Amazing.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
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