Two and a Half Men 5x9

Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids

& Alan: We’re gonna stay, congratulate the happy couple... mingle a bit, and then I’m gonna fake a migraine.
    Charlie: You can do that?
    Alan: Hell, yeah. I spent 12 years watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.
    Charlie: I’d go with the migraine...

& Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
    Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
    Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
    Charlie: Name something else.

& Courtney: I told you I was coming.
    Evelyn: Yes, but the party started an hour ago. So I naturally assumed that something had come up that was more important... than your father’s happiness.
    Courtney: Well, Evelyn, you know what they say about assuming. When you assume, you’re just a bitch.
    Evelyn: Courtney, there are children present!
    Jake: She means me, but I’m fine with it.

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& Courtney: Here’s my card. Maybe I can help you out someday.
    Charlie: Whoa, Ferraris, Lamborghinis...
    Courtney: They say driving one is the most fun you can have with your pants on.
    Charlie: Well, that’s how I like to drive. With my pants on. Otherwise, the leather kind of sticks to my thighs.
    Courtney: Well, you should come down sometime. I’ll give you a test drive.

& Alan: You promised Teddy you’d stay away.
    Charlie: Hey, I didn’t tell her to call me!
    Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future stepsister?
    Berta: You’re just making it hotter for him.

& Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
    Alan: Stepsister. To-be. And yes.

& Charlie: Look, just stall them. I’ll be right down.
    Alan: Fine. But know this, I am not taking the fall for you.
    Charlie: How could you take the fall for me?
    Alan: I don’t know. But it always seems to work out that when you get laid, I get screwed.

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