& — You should take Jolene, man. I heard she got big nipples.
Donny: ...I’m just not into girls anymore.
— Dude, I’m into guys, too!
Donny: No, no, no, no, no. That’s not what I meant. I’m into women.
& Judge: That is just fucking mental.
& Law Guy: They said a lot of stuff. The thing that really jumped out was “three years in prison.”
Donny: Three years?!
Law Guy: Yeah, you haven’t paid taxes since ’94, Donny.
Donny: What... I thought they were taking it out automatically!
Law Guy: I told them that’s what you thought, and they said it’s the stupidest thing they ever heard.
& Jamie: Chad, this is my fiance, Todd.
Todd: Pleasure to meet you, Chadwick.
Chad: Are you a soldier?
Todd: Uh, no.
Chad: Sailor?
Todd: No.
Chad: Airman?
Todd: No.
Chad: Girl Scout?
Todd: No.
Chad: Well, then I’d prefer if you take your fingers away from your forehead and you shake my hand like the civilian you are.
& Chad: Come here, I want to show you this... Look, if you ever do anything to hurt my sister, I will take my government-issued service revolver, stick it straight up your fuppin’-poop-chute, and empty the clip. Do you feel me?
Todd: Yes, I totally feel you... Dawg.
Chad: I’ve got 10 ways to kill you with my bare hands right now.
Todd: Don’t. Ha-ha. Don’t.
& Donny: Sheesh, I’m not messing with her. I mean, you are my best friend, guy. And, Jamie, you can be my breast friend.
& Todd: You are such an asshole!
Donny: Dude, you’re a millionaire now, and you’re marrying that hot chick. I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don’t you think?
& Todd: Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay? It’s a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening.
Donny: What? I haven’t worn a tie since my mother’s funeral when I was three. I’m not going to start that up again.
Todd: That’s great. Put on a tie. Put on a tie!
Donny: I’ll never sell out!
Todd: I’ll give you 100 bucks.
Donny: Where’s the tie?
& Wassup!
& Todd: No, no, no. Please, don’t let this be happening. Don’t let this be happening, please.
& Todd: Why is your dick in my face?! And why is it kind of hard?
Chad: What are you two homos doing?
Todd: ..... Just rasslin’.
Chad: All right. ’Cause you’re looking at an all-state fucking wrestling champion, and I got the winner.
& Todd: Hey, if you don’t want to wrinkle the dress, may I suggest we just remove it?
Jamie: Did you take two Xanax?
Todd: I actually took three Xanax. And you know that the Xanax makes me “H” to the “O” to the “R” To the “N” to the “Y”. So horny for my fiancee...
Jamie: No! Down. I don’t want to have sex with my family in the house.
Todd: No, I know. I don’t want to have sex with your family, either... In the house... Came out weird.
& Father McNally: While you’re in this church, you’ll show the proper respect. No e-mailing, no texting, no Facebooking, no Skyping and no Angry Birds.
& Donny: We’re having a bachelor party? That’s, like, my thing, man. Hookers, blow, balloons filled with piss. I mean, the sky’s the limit, kid.
& Mrs. Ravensdale: Welcome to your bachelor party package here at He Time Spa For Men.
Donny: Woo-hoo, motherfucker!
Mrs. Ravensdale: Okay. All right. We’re gonna set you up with some nice plush robes, and then we have a wonderful full evening planned with massage, facial and nail treatments, and then we’re going to send you home with a special gift of our house-made lavender scrub.
Donny: Uh, Confucius say, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
& Donny: What the fuck is this?!
Mrs. Ravensdale: It’s water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood.
Donny: It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls. And a side of fucking Rod Stewart’s jizz!
& Masseuse: What’s this, sir?
Donny: Oh, that’s just a little, uh... Tip, you know, if you give me a full package.
Masseuse: Oh, okay. That’s a $150 additional charge.
Donny: You’re talking to the wrong guy. That’s a little out of my price range.
Masseuse: It includes scalp treatment, reflexology...
Donny: How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I’m not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.
Todd: Donny, this isn’t a brothel!
Donny: Then I’m completely confused what the fuck we’re doing here right now!
& Mrs. Ravensdale: All right, you know what? You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, caveman-like, hairy-knuckled, single-chromosomal, obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole who I would like to fuck hard and long!
& Phil: Hello. I’m Phil. I’m married with four children, and I have actually only seen three vaginae in my entire life: my wife’s, my baby’s and my aunt’s once by accident on the back of a tandem bike.
& Vanilla Ice: Woo-hoo! Look at me, I’m a fountain! Throw a penny in here! Make a wish, motherfucker!
& Donny: What are you doing here?
Grandma Delores: Well, you’ve had the fantasy, so now it’s time that you try the real thing.
Donny: No, no, no, I can’t do that. I’m sorry. But I appreciate the offer. Oh, no, no, no, don’t. I can’t. Don’t you...I-I shouldn’t. ... Oh, God. You got the old-timey bathing suit on. Okay, I’m in.
Grandma Delores: I’m going to ride you like a Model T.
& Jamie: You puked on my dress and then fucked it!
Donny: You’re a madman... All right. I love it. You jizzed on a mannequin. Respect it.
& Donny: Okay, uh, due to this newfound evidence, the conclusion might be that I’m an asshole. Bye.
& Donny: How am I ever going to get her trust? She freaking hates me.
Kenny: Donny, you want to know what all women love? Ice cream.
& Donny: Wait. Are you... What am I seeing? No... It, uh... Uh... With each other? Am I... This is... Is he your stepbrother at least or, uh, adopted or something? No reply... So it’s real. Oh, my God.
Jamie: Uh, Donny, Donny, you don’t... You don’t understand what’s going on here.
Donny: I don’t think Charlie Sheen would understand what’s going on here.
& Donny: Chad, adultery is bad... but incest is fucked up!
& Donny: And with a United States military man, no less! You are a disgrace to that uniform!..
Jamie: No, he’s not a Marine. He buys those uniforms on eBay so Dad doesn’t find out he’s a modern jazz dancer.
Donny: What?! That’s possibly worse than the incest thing.
& Donny: Listen to me, buddy. You don’t love this girl. I’m telling you I had love, it’s different. It’s a different feeling. Love is like... It just leads you to a special connection. It’s full of, like, feelings of awesomeness. And the feelings you... That wrap around you. It’s deep in your stomach. It’s in your head. It’s in your fucking nut sack. It’s in your dick when it gets hard. There’s still love at the tip. And it fucking sprinkles out like morning dew shooting all over the grass.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
Soundtrack
Donny: ...I’m just not into girls anymore.
— Dude, I’m into guys, too!
Donny: No, no, no, no, no. That’s not what I meant. I’m into women.
& Judge: That is just fucking mental.
& Law Guy: They said a lot of stuff. The thing that really jumped out was “three years in prison.”
Donny: Three years?!
Law Guy: Yeah, you haven’t paid taxes since ’94, Donny.
Donny: What... I thought they were taking it out automatically!
Law Guy: I told them that’s what you thought, and they said it’s the stupidest thing they ever heard.
& Jamie: Chad, this is my fiance, Todd.
Todd: Pleasure to meet you, Chadwick.
Chad: Are you a soldier?
Todd: Uh, no.
Chad: Sailor?
Todd: No.
Chad: Airman?
Todd: No.
Chad: Girl Scout?
Todd: No.
Chad: Well, then I’d prefer if you take your fingers away from your forehead and you shake my hand like the civilian you are.
& Chad: Come here, I want to show you this... Look, if you ever do anything to hurt my sister, I will take my government-issued service revolver, stick it straight up your fuppin’-poop-chute, and empty the clip. Do you feel me?
Todd: Yes, I totally feel you... Dawg.
Chad: I’ve got 10 ways to kill you with my bare hands right now.
Todd: Don’t. Ha-ha. Don’t.
& Donny: Sheesh, I’m not messing with her. I mean, you are my best friend, guy. And, Jamie, you can be my breast friend.
& Todd: You are such an asshole!
Donny: Dude, you’re a millionaire now, and you’re marrying that hot chick. I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don’t you think?
& Todd: Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay? It’s a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening.
Donny: What? I haven’t worn a tie since my mother’s funeral when I was three. I’m not going to start that up again.
Todd: That’s great. Put on a tie. Put on a tie!
Donny: I’ll never sell out!
Todd: I’ll give you 100 bucks.
Donny: Where’s the tie?
& Wassup!
& Todd: No, no, no. Please, don’t let this be happening. Don’t let this be happening, please.
& Todd: Why is your dick in my face?! And why is it kind of hard?
Chad: What are you two homos doing?
Todd: ..... Just rasslin’.
Chad: All right. ’Cause you’re looking at an all-state fucking wrestling champion, and I got the winner.
& Todd: Hey, if you don’t want to wrinkle the dress, may I suggest we just remove it?
Jamie: Did you take two Xanax?
Todd: I actually took three Xanax. And you know that the Xanax makes me “H” to the “O” to the “R” To the “N” to the “Y”. So horny for my fiancee...
Jamie: No! Down. I don’t want to have sex with my family in the house.
Todd: No, I know. I don’t want to have sex with your family, either... In the house... Came out weird.
& Father McNally: While you’re in this church, you’ll show the proper respect. No e-mailing, no texting, no Facebooking, no Skyping and no Angry Birds.
& Donny: We’re having a bachelor party? That’s, like, my thing, man. Hookers, blow, balloons filled with piss. I mean, the sky’s the limit, kid.
& Mrs. Ravensdale: Welcome to your bachelor party package here at He Time Spa For Men.
Donny: Woo-hoo, motherfucker!
Mrs. Ravensdale: Okay. All right. We’re gonna set you up with some nice plush robes, and then we have a wonderful full evening planned with massage, facial and nail treatments, and then we’re going to send you home with a special gift of our house-made lavender scrub.
Donny: Uh, Confucius say, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
& Donny: What the fuck is this?!
Mrs. Ravensdale: It’s water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood.
Donny: It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls. And a side of fucking Rod Stewart’s jizz!
& Masseuse: What’s this, sir?
Donny: Oh, that’s just a little, uh... Tip, you know, if you give me a full package.
Masseuse: Oh, okay. That’s a $150 additional charge.
Donny: You’re talking to the wrong guy. That’s a little out of my price range.
Masseuse: It includes scalp treatment, reflexology...
Donny: How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I’m not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.
Todd: Donny, this isn’t a brothel!
Donny: Then I’m completely confused what the fuck we’re doing here right now!
& Mrs. Ravensdale: All right, you know what? You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, caveman-like, hairy-knuckled, single-chromosomal, obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole who I would like to fuck hard and long!
& Phil: Hello. I’m Phil. I’m married with four children, and I have actually only seen three vaginae in my entire life: my wife’s, my baby’s and my aunt’s once by accident on the back of a tandem bike.
& Vanilla Ice: Woo-hoo! Look at me, I’m a fountain! Throw a penny in here! Make a wish, motherfucker!
& Donny: What are you doing here?
Grandma Delores: Well, you’ve had the fantasy, so now it’s time that you try the real thing.
Donny: No, no, no, I can’t do that. I’m sorry. But I appreciate the offer. Oh, no, no, no, don’t. I can’t. Don’t you...
Grandma Delores: I’m going to ride you like a Model T.
& Jamie: You puked on my dress and then fucked it!
Donny: You’re a madman... All right. I love it. You jizzed on a mannequin. Respect it.
& Donny: Okay, uh, due to this newfound evidence, the conclusion might be that I’m an asshole. Bye.
& Donny: How am I ever going to get her trust? She freaking hates me.
Kenny: Donny, you want to know what all women love? Ice cream.
& Donny: Wait. Are you... What am I seeing? No... It, uh... Uh... With each other? Am I... This is... Is he your stepbrother at least or, uh, adopted or something? No reply... So it’s real. Oh, my God.
Jamie: Uh, Donny, Donny, you don’t... You don’t understand what’s going on here.
Donny: I don’t think Charlie Sheen would understand what’s going on here.
& Donny: Chad, adultery is bad... but incest is fucked up!
& Donny: And with a United States military man, no less! You are a disgrace to that uniform!..
Jamie: No, he’s not a Marine. He buys those uniforms on eBay so Dad doesn’t find out he’s a modern jazz dancer.
Donny: What?! That’s possibly worse than the incest thing.
& Donny: Listen to me, buddy. You don’t love this girl. I’m telling you I had love, it’s different. It’s a different feeling. Love is like... It just leads you to a special connection. It’s full of, like, feelings of awesomeness. And the feelings you... That wrap around you. It’s deep in your stomach. It’s in your head. It’s in your fucking nut sack. It’s in your dick when it gets hard. There’s still love at the tip. And it fucking sprinkles out like morning dew shooting all over the grass.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
Soundtrack
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