Two and a Half Men 5x11

Meander to Your Dander

& Donna: Well, that was just lovely.
    Alan: I do aim to please.
    Donna: And after last time, I appreciate the aiming. Hey, we made good time. I can let the babysitter go early.
    Alan: The key is efficient foreplay. Minimal attention to each breast before I meander to your dander. Spoon?
    Donna: Sure.
    Alan: And switch.
    Donna: That was fun.
    Alan: It always is.

& Alan: This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and develop a routine. And if it’s not always fireworks and explosions... well, that’s a reasonable trade for a warm, collegial partnership.
    Charlie: You poor, poor bastard...
    Alan: This conversation is over!
    Charlie: If only...
    Alan: Okay, it’s boring. It’s suffocating. It’s a deathwatch, but what choice do I have, Charlie? Pretend I’m you? I’m not you. I’m monogamous, settle-down guy who hangs onto a relationship... until I’m looking at divorce papers or the pointy end of a steak knife.
    Charlie: Oh, that’s a load of crap. You’re afraid if you let go of these broads you’re never gonna get laid again.
    Alan: Didn’t I just say that?

& Jake: Boxing sucks.
    Charlie: As always, you’re entitled to your stupid opinion.
    Jake: Why are you making it personal?

& Alan: I am in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
    Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn’t still be living here.

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& Charlie: Does she have your credit card information?
    Alan: No.
    Charlie: Don’t answer so quickly. I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me... and on my next statement there were charges... for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.

& Charlie: All we’re trying to do... is keep her from taking batting practice on your kidneys.
    Alan: Why would she go for my kidneys?
    Charlie: Because you’ll be running away covering your head.

& Alan: What a day that was. Sharing bratwurst and sauerkraut... while listening to the battle of the oompah bands.
    Charlie: Oh, God.
    Alan: Do you think I’m making a mistake?
    Charlie: No, no, no. The mind plays tricks on us. It only remembers the good times. Or in your case,
the creepy, pathetic times.

& Alan: But wait, what...? What if she starts crying?
    Charlie: You hold her in your arms, whisper that this is best for both of you... then turn around and walk away like a man. Unless you hear a distinct metallic click, then zigzag and roll.

& Jake: This movie is stupid.
    Charlie: This movie is a classic.
    Jake: It’s been 40 minutes and we haven’t even seen the shark yet.
    Charlie: That’s because they’re building suspense, letting you use your imagination.
    Jake: You know what I’m imagining?.. A better movie.
    Charlie: It’s a classic, Jake.
    Jake: I’ll tell you what’s a classic. Snakes on a Plane. First, you’re in an airplane, which is scary to begin with... and then it’s all filled with snakes. And they’re everywhere! They’re in the overhead compartments, in the bathrooms, in the vomit bags. You need to throw up, open the bag... snake!
    Charlie: Sounds gripping.

& Jake: Snake!.. Snake!
    Charlie: That’s it. We’re out of here.
    Jake: Where are we going?
    Charlie: Someplace public, where killing you would get me in trouble.
    Jake: Fine... Snake!

& Jake: Wait till you try this. It’s the best pizza in town.
    Charlie: Says who?
    Jake: They put a flyer on Mom’s windshield. It said “best pizza in town.”
    Charlie: Jake, let me give you a little culinary advice... Any restaurant that advertises on windshields... and has a guy dressed as a hoagie is probably not the best in town.
    Jake: He wasn’t a hoagie, he was a calzone.

& Jake: Wait, what’s the signal?
    Charlie: I don’t know, I’ll give you a thumbs up.
    Jake: That’s not much of a signal.
    Charlie: All right, how about I just wave my arms and say, “Yo, dumb-ass.”
    Jake: Let’s go with the thumb.

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