Two and a Half Men 5x7

The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room

& Charlie: What I’m saying is you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage... and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom.
    Alan: Those towels are pretty! They brighten up the whole room.
    Charlie: They’re gay and they scream “civil union.”

& Alan: Okay, you know what? You are being ridiculous. When you wanna have a rational conversation, I’ll be in my room.
    Charlie: It’s not your room, it’s my guest room!

& Charlie: And get rid of that welcome mat you put on my front porch. No one’s welcome here!

& Nina: Charlie, I’m telling you right now, I am not gonna sleep with you tonight.
    Charlie: Where’d that come from? Buy you a couple of drinks, invite you... back to my house and all of a sudden you think I wanna sleep with you?
    Nina: Well, you mean you don’t?
    Charlie: Hey, we just met. Let’s talk, get to know each other. If later down the road something happens, great. If not, we’ve each made a new friend.

& Alan: Let me tell you something, Charlie. You said you took me and my kid into your home, but you didn’t. You took us into your house. We made it a home.

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& Jake: I heard something break.
    Alan: You’re just coming out now?
    Jake: I was establishing my alibi.
    Alan: Well, go pack your stuff, we’re leaving.
    Jake: But I have an alibi!

& Alan: I don’t wanna talk about this.
    Jake: How come when I don’t wanna talk about stuff we still have to?
    Alan: Just be quiet.

& Berta: So, what broke you two lovebirds up?
    Charlie: He crossed a line.
    Berta: Must’ve been a big one.
    Charlie: Very big.
    Berta: Was it money?
    Charlie: Worse.
    Berta: A woman?
    Charlie: Worse.
    Berta: What’s worse than money and women?
    Charlie: He bought an ugly bowl and put it on the front table.
    Berta: ...... No!

& Evelyn: Here’s your father when he was going through his awkward stage.
    Jake: He looks exactly the same.
    Evelyn: Which is why we can’t count on you growing out of it.

& Evelyn: Here is your Uncle Charlie in front of the Beverly Hills courthouse... when he was about 17.
    Jake: What’s he look so happy about?
    Evelyn: Being tried as a minor.

& Evelyn: Well, darling, after your grandfather passed away... Grandmommy wanted to explore her sexuality...
    Alan: Mom, Mom! What are you doing? He’s only 13!
    Evelyn: Oh, please. When I was 13, I was in an all-girls boarding school... and we were quite familiar...
    Alan: Mom!!!

& Charlie: Mmmm, Butterscotch.

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