& “War has rules. Mud wrestling has rules. Politics has no rules”.
H. Ross Perot
& Marty: Hey, Diane. How’s business at Candles ’N’ Such?
Diane: Such is selling. I can’t move the candles, though.
Marty: Yes, you can, Diane. “Can’t” is the realC-word.
& Marty: Dad, if you’re still holding a grudge because I wore Crocs to Mom’s funeral... ...like I’ve told you a thousand times, I’m sorry. Mom would’ve wanted it that way. She was casual.
& Wade Motch: We also own the most important resource of all: a willing candidate.
Mr. Zheng: Candidate... Your elections are unpredictable.
Wade: Mr. Zheng, there’s something you need to know about American politics. When you’ve got the money, nothing is unpredictable.
& Rose: Why does a Marty Huggins come out of nowhere and decide to run?
Cam: Baby, I’m a thoroughbred. I’m gonna smoke that clown.
Rose: Kids, put your headphones in. About to use TV mature words.
Cam: You know I love it when you get all bitchy and wild.
Rose: You listen to me, you dick dragging around a body!
& Marty: Well, I’m a little nervous. Heh. I’ll be honest with you. Um.... My dad always told me two things about giving speeches. One, never say anything bad about the Jews... and two, tell an interesting story. I have two pugs. One’s named Poundcake and one’s named Muffins...
& Cam: Welcome to the fucking show!
& Marty: Who are you?
Tim: Tim Wattley. Motch brothers sent me. I’m your campaign manager. I’m here to make you not suck. Now put this shit bucket in gear.
Marty: What’s this all about, Mr. Wattley?
Tim: Your life as you know it is over.
& Tim: You know what? I’m just gonna call your dad and tell him you don’t have the rocks for this.
Marty: Hey! You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley. This might be hard for you to believe, but this dog has a ton of fight in him. A ton of fight. And when I get a scent, I hunt, brother. I hunt all day long. So don’t you ever insinuate anything like that again.
Tim: ... Call me Tim.
& Tim: Younger, stronger, smarter!
& Cam: Must be hard running for Miss America and teaching high school at the same time...
Janette: Right. Uh, congressman, I’m married.
Cam: I’m married too.
Janette: Good.
Cam: Looks like we got a common denominator.
Janette: Oh.
Cam: It’s a math joke.
& Carl: Our first question will go to the incumbent. How would you bring jobs back to the 14th district?
Cam: That’s a great question, Carl. Thank you for asking it. It’s the first thing l think of when I wake up in the morning... and it’s the last thing l think of when I go to bed. Jobs in North Carolina mean what? A strong North Carolina. And a strong North Carolina means a strong America. And that, my friends, is how we’re gonna do it.
& Cam: Hold on. Why don’t we stop all the softball questions and ask some real questions, okay? Like why won’t Marty Huggins here take a lie-detector test?
— Yeah. Take the test!
Cam: Is he an al Qaeda? Is he a Taliban? I’ve seen a mustache like that before, and you know who wore it? Saddam Hussein. And I believe we never caught two of his sons, Uday and Falafel.
Marty: I am not beholden to Cam Brady’s accusations. I am beholden to only one man... and that is the greatest American that has ever lived: Jesus Christ. Who happened to have a mustache.
— There you go, Marty! Amen, Marty! Jesus loves you, Marty!
& Marty: Would you like to hear him say the Lord’s Prayer?
Cam: ... If the media wouldn’t mind turning off their recording devices... and closing their eyes as well, we can start with the Lord’s Prayer. Our father... Art, who is up in heaven... aloe vera be thy name... The thigh... Thy kingdom.... Thy kingdom come. The magic kingdom. As it is on earth... in a helicopter. Give us this day our daily... pizza and let us digest it. Forgive us.... Pass. Forgive our passes we commit sometimes on womenfolk... with their dresses that are too tight. Like, that’s a nice caboose you got on your... You know what? That’s not part of it, I know that. Keep your heads bowed, please. Forgive us for trespassing... and do not lead us to the Temptations. Because we are tired of them and their dancing. And deliver us from evil with your mighty sword and falcon... forever and ever and ever. Amen.
— Amen.
& Marty: Are you okay?
Cam: Yeah, you too.
& Mitzi: Are we doing what I think we’re doing?
Cam: I don’t know. I tell you right now, my heart is beating like a phone book in a dryer... and I’m so afraid of what’s about to happen.
Mitzi: What’s about to happen?
Cam: This.
Mitzi: Ooh. Ooh! Oooh!! I want you to put my head in the freezer while you do me from behind.
Cam: Hold on, hold on. Isn’t the freezer too high?
Mitzi: I’ll get a stool!
& Marty: You have factories in China. Why are you gonna bring them here?
Glenn Motch: It’ll save a fortune in shipping. It’ll double the already-doubled profits that we make.
& Cam: Marty Huggins did a crazy thing on TV today. He told the truth.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
Soundtrack
H. Ross Perot
& Marty: Hey, Diane. How’s business at Candles ’N’ Such?
Diane: Such is selling. I can’t move the candles, though.
Marty: Yes, you can, Diane. “Can’t” is the real
& Marty: Dad, if you’re still holding a grudge because I wore Crocs to Mom’s funeral... ...like I’ve told you a thousand times, I’m sorry. Mom would’ve wanted it that way. She was casual.
& Wade Motch: We also own the most important resource of all: a willing candidate.
Mr. Zheng: Candidate... Your elections are unpredictable.
Wade: Mr. Zheng, there’s something you need to know about American politics. When you’ve got the money, nothing is unpredictable.
& Rose: Why does a Marty Huggins come out of nowhere and decide to run?
Cam: Baby, I’m a thoroughbred. I’m gonna smoke that clown.
Rose: Kids, put your headphones in. About to use TV mature words.
Cam: You know I love it when you get all bitchy and wild.
Rose: You listen to me, you dick dragging around a body!
& Marty: Well, I’m a little nervous. Heh. I’ll be honest with you. Um.... My dad always told me two things about giving speeches. One, never say anything bad about the Jews... and two, tell an interesting story. I have two pugs. One’s named Poundcake and one’s named Muffins...
& Cam: Welcome to the fucking show!
& Marty: Who are you?
Tim: Tim Wattley. Motch brothers sent me. I’m your campaign manager. I’m here to make you not suck. Now put this shit bucket in gear.
Marty: What’s this all about, Mr. Wattley?
Tim: Your life as you know it is over.
& Tim: You know what? I’m just gonna call your dad and tell him you don’t have the rocks for this.
Marty: Hey! You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley. This might be hard for you to believe, but this dog has a ton of fight in him. A ton of fight. And when I get a scent, I hunt, brother. I hunt all day long. So don’t you ever insinuate anything like that again.
Tim: ... Call me Tim.
& Tim: Younger, stronger, smarter!
& Cam: Must be hard running for Miss America and teaching high school at the same time...
Janette: Right. Uh, congressman, I’m married.
Cam: I’m married too.
Janette: Good.
Cam: Looks like we got a common denominator.
Janette: Oh.
Cam: It’s a math joke.
& Carl: Our first question will go to the incumbent. How would you bring jobs back to the 14th district?
Cam: That’s a great question, Carl. Thank you for asking it. It’s the first thing l think of when I wake up in the morning... and it’s the last thing l think of when I go to bed. Jobs in North Carolina mean what? A strong North Carolina. And a strong North Carolina means a strong America. And that, my friends, is how we’re gonna do it.
& Cam: Hold on. Why don’t we stop all the softball questions and ask some real questions, okay? Like why won’t Marty Huggins here take a lie-detector test?
— Yeah. Take the test!
Cam: Is he an al Qaeda? Is he a Taliban? I’ve seen a mustache like that before, and you know who wore it? Saddam Hussein. And I believe we never caught two of his sons, Uday and Falafel.
Marty: I am not beholden to Cam Brady’s accusations. I am beholden to only one man... and that is the greatest American that has ever lived: Jesus Christ. Who happened to have a mustache.
— There you go, Marty! Amen, Marty! Jesus loves you, Marty!
& Marty: Would you like to hear him say the Lord’s Prayer?
Cam: ... If the media wouldn’t mind turning off their recording devices... and closing their eyes as well, we can start with the Lord’s Prayer. Our father... Art, who is up in heaven... aloe vera be thy name... The thigh... Thy kingdom.... Thy kingdom come. The magic kingdom. As it is on earth... in a helicopter. Give us this day our daily... pizza and let us digest it. Forgive us.... Pass. Forgive our passes we commit sometimes on womenfolk... with their dresses that are too tight. Like, that’s a nice caboose you got on your... You know what? That’s not part of it, I know that. Keep your heads bowed, please. Forgive us for trespassing... and do not lead us to the Temptations. Because we are tired of them and their dancing. And deliver us from evil with your mighty sword and falcon... forever and ever and ever. Amen.
— Amen.
& Marty: Are you okay?
Cam: Yeah, you too.
& Mitzi: Are we doing what I think we’re doing?
Cam: I don’t know. I tell you right now, my heart is beating like a phone book in a dryer... and I’m so afraid of what’s about to happen.
Mitzi: What’s about to happen?
Cam: This.
Mitzi: Ooh. Ooh! Oooh!! I want you to put my head in the freezer while you do me from behind.
Cam: Hold on, hold on. Isn’t the freezer too high?
Mitzi: I’ll get a stool!
& Marty: You have factories in China. Why are you gonna bring them here?
Glenn Motch: It’ll save a fortune in shipping. It’ll double the already-doubled profits that we make.
& Cam: Marty Huggins did a crazy thing on TV today. He told the truth.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
Soundtrack
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