Two and a Half Men 10x1

I Changed My Mind About the Milk

(not completed)

& Jake: So, to make a long story short, they say it’s my fault for leaving the pistol on the seat of the Jeep. I say it’s the general’s fault for sitting on it. But either way, I’m not allowed to have a gun for a while.
    Berta: And a weary nation breathes a sigh of relief.

& Alan:Seems like just yesterday he was an adorable, chubby-cheeked little boy catching a Frisbee on the beach in Santa Monica...
    Berta: Now he’s a fuzz-faced buck private catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana.

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& Alan: What’s the occasion?
    Walden: It’s Zoey’s birthday.
    Alan: Oh, well, tell her happy birthday. What are you gonna give her?
    Walden: The rest of my life.
    Alan: Beg your pardon?!
    Walden: I’m gonna ask her to marry me.
    Berta: Are you serious?
    Walden: Absolutely.
    Alan: Wow, wow, that’s, uh...
    Berta: What he’s trying to say is, once you’re married, where’s he gonna live?

& Alan: How about that?.. The kid’s getting married.
    Berta: Yeah. Crazy, huh? If I looked like him, I wouldn’t take myself off the market.
    Alan: Is that so?
    Berta: Oh, yeah, I’d be out there every night wearing my penis down to a nub. It would look like a golf pencil.
    Alan: Hey, a golf pencil does a lot of scoring, lady.

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On the IMDb

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