Marnie: That guy is an entrepreneur.
Kirk: Well, Ron owns a Pizza Hut.
Marnie: That’s a business.
Kirk: It’s not even a real Pizza Hut! It’s a Pizza Hut Express!
Marnie: Working airport security with your dipshit friends isn’t getting you closer to being a pilot.
& Marnie: I love you.
Kirk: Marnie, I love you, too.
Marnie: Just... OK... Let me finish. I love you like I love... TV. I love you like I love pizza.
& Patty: Hello? Who’s this?
Kirk: I don’t know. Might be the guy with the new iPhone. Who’s this?
Patty: I don’t know. Might be your worst fucking nightmare, you...
& Passenger: Excuse me. You're not supposed to be on your phone. It's bad for the plane.
Patty: Oh, excuse me? Are you a plane doctor? No? So shut the fuck up!
& Devon: Tonight’s the night, Kirky!
Kirk: No. I... Devon, tonight is just a night where I return some lost property to a fellow human being.
Devon: Come on, man, you gotta be positive. It’s exciting! I mean, the night’s full of possibilities. I can almost smell ’em. You know what this reminds me of?.. The moment when Aladdin went to meet Princess Jasmine.
Kirk: What?!
Devon: You’re like a street urchin, and this is the palace!
Kirk: OK, so then what does that make you?
Devon: I’m the Genie.
& Stainer: Stainer*.
Kirk: His name is Stainer.
Patty: Right.
Stainer: Just a non-descript nickname. Doesn’t mean anything, you know. It’s like Greg.
Patty: You look like someone I went to high school with.
Stainer: What high school? Maybe it was me.
Patty: No, he’s in a coma.
& Kirk: What do I even say to Molly tonight? Like, what, do I just talk about her ridiculous hotness for two hours?
& Kirk: I don’t get it. It boggles my mind. Why would she ask me out?
Stainer: Are you dying?
Kirk: What?
Stainer: You maybe have some rich benefactor in a top hat who’s trying to set you up before you die. Like Great Expectations. Have you read that book?.. It’s so weird!
Kirk: No, Stainer, I’m not terminally ill. Thank you for your concern.
Stainer: Then that’s a brain-teaser, isn’t it?
& Stainer: She kissed you. She, with her actual mouth, kissed you? On purpose?
Kirk: Yeah, yeah, man, I know.
Devon: I’m so happy for you, Kirky.
Stainer: I’m not. I’m really nervous. I mean, it feels like the universe is outta tilt. You know? One of us is gonna die.
Jack: What’s the next step here? We gonna take this up a notch? I’m referring to sexual relations, Devon.
& Kirk: Hi, there. Everybody, this is Molly. Molly, this is everybody. That’s my brother, Dylan, his fiancee, Debbie and my... Marnie and Ron.
Molly: Hey, everybody!
Kirk: This is when you say, “Hi, Molly.”
& Ron: Well, come on in for a dip, girl!
Marnie: Ron!
Molly: I don’t even have a bathing suit.
Dylan: Wear your underwear. Like a bikini. Covers the good shit.
Ron: Yeah, underwear is fine.
Marnie: Ron!!
Ron: It’s like what they did in the old days.
Molly: Underwear would be fine... if I were wearing any.
& Kirk: This place is gorgeous!
Molly: Thank you.
Kirk: This kind of reminds me of my place, except for my place is a total shithole.
& Kirk: My God! What the fuck is that?!
Molly: Oh, that’s Captain Pickles. I’m watching him while my folks are on vacation.
Kirk: What is he? A dog or a fuckin’ horse?
Molly: Sit down!
Kirk: Wha... Me or the dog?
Molly: You. He doesn’t like people standing. He feels threatened by it. He gets all, you know, angsty.
& Marnie: Look, Kirk, I am really worried about you with her. She seems like kind of a bitch. So I’m just saying that if you want to get back together, like you begged me before... I am even willing to consider breaking up with Ron.
Stainer: What? You’re still with Ron?!
Jack: The pirate?
Marnie: Yeah. I’m not gonna risk being all alone just ’cause Kirk doesn’t know what’s good for him. Look, Kirky. Deep down you know it is never gonna work out with you and Molly. And I just can’t stand to see you get hurt. So if that makes me the bad guy... so be it.
& Jack: Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything’s possible.
Kirk: “Anything is possible?!”
Devon: Come on! Like, there’s a million examples of guys like Kirky endin’ up with beautiful women.
Stainer: Such as?
Devon: Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Jack: Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.
Stainer: Yeah. All recording artists. Normal rules don’t apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.
Jack: OK, OK. OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.
Stainer: Never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.
Jack: Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.
Stainer: He’s the master of space and time!He knows about black holes and shit.
Devon: What about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger?
Stainer: He knows about wine. And has a French accent. Can probably French kiss like a motherfucker!
Devon: Oh, OK, OK... Wait a second. The Beast.
Stainer: Who?!
Devon: The Beast! From Beauty and the Beast
? Beast won Beauty’s love, and he wasn’trich and he wasn’t a recording artist. Though he did have an amazing voice.
Stainer: OK, Devon, that’s a cartoon.
& Kirk: OK. Sorry. ............ I ejaculated in my pants. ....... We were getting sort of hot and nasty, you know... It’s not every day that I have a super-hot girl grinding on top of me, and I got a little too excited and, before I know it, your parents are in the room and I’m there with just a big friggin’ oyster in my shorts........
& Jack: Listen to me. Things with Molly are good, right? They’re back on track. You have gotta recover from your little oopsie-daisy, little early-bird special. Gotta get back in that ring.
Kirk: It’s just terrifying, frankly, the idea of me naked in front of her... also naked.
& Jack: Look, guys! This is fine. ’Cause this is clean. It’s organized. It’s kind of Japanese-looking, to be honest.
Kirk: Whatever you do, don’t look directly at it.
Jack: I’ll bet you Cam’s balls look like this. It’s like a baby. It’s just smooth. It’s a look that says, “Hey, you can put your mouth here.”
Devon: He is... He just moved!
Jack: It’s just a thought. Just tryin’ to help, that’s all.
& Devon: Kirk, if you want to abort the mission, that’s completely cool.
Kirk: I don’t... I can’t really abort the mission right now. I’ve shaved approximately one-third of my balls. I’ll look pretty fuckin’ stupid if I stop now!
Devon: Did you shave one ball and then the other ball, or are you workin’ top to bottom?
& Devon: I mean, seriously, just shave it like your face!
Kirk: I can’t do it like my face! My face doesn’t have two testicles sticking out of it! If it did, I would grow a pretty thick goddamn beard.
& Kirk: So how is this not gay?
Devon: I think there’s nothing gay about it. The fact that you’re lettin’ a straight married man shave your testicles... I think that makes you one of the most macho guys alive.
Kirk: There is some logic in that.
Devon: Thank you. You know what? Can you pick that up? Can you pick ’em up for me?
& Kirk: And now, to the gorgeous birthday girl, Katie McCleish. You’re 21 years old now. What else can I say? Let life come to you.
& Molly: OK, your turn.
Kirk: Yeah. ... Oh, shit. I haven’t really been hittin’ the gym as much as I should lately.
Molly: It’s OK. ...........
Kirk: Holy Moses.
& Molly: Interesting...
Kirk: What, what? What?
Molly: Nothing. Nothing.
& Kirk: That’s your big defect?
Molly: Webbed toes is not a defect!
Kirk: Yeah, no shit webbed toes is not a defect! I was expecting some kind of pulsating growth or a cluster of lumps... or like a little dick that, I don’t know, talked.
& Kirk: They are my family. And I’m with Marnie now.
Stainer: Marnie is an evil bitch. All due respect.
& Kirk: I’m going to go find Molly and show her that I am good enough. So fuck you, Debbie. Fuck you, Dylan. Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you... businessman. I’m sorry. And, most of all, fuck you, Marnie. Yep. You never deserved me in the first place, you evil little dwarf. So fuck you all! Yep.
Flight Attendant: Sir. You need to take your seat. We’re pushing back.
Kirk: Don’t know if you just heard my speech, but I need to get off this plane.
Flight Attendant: Well, if I reopen that cabin door, that’s a 25,000 dollar fine for you.
Kirk: Twenty-five...?
Flight Attendant: What do you want to do?
Kirk: Is there another seat I could take?
Flight Attendant: We’re full. Now, take your seat and buckle up.
Kirk: Yep. OK.
Ron: Gonna be a long flight, eh, pirate?
& Molly: If Kirk’s getting back together with Marnie, I’m not going!
Stainer: In fourth grade, I peed in my pants. On several occasions. Everybody started calling me Stainer. Know how I made it through those dark days?
Molly: Plastic underwear?
Stainer: In part. But also Kirk. You see, he told me to own that name. Call myself Stainer, so that nobody could hurt me.
Molly: What’s your point?
Stainer: Kirk’s the best guy I know.
& Fuller: Whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing?
Stainer: Putting her on a plane, that’s what.
Fuller: Well, unless she has a first class ticket, back of the line.
Stainer: Fuller, you have a choice. You can step aside or you can fight me. If that’s how you want to go, I warn you, I will go dark side. OK? I will rip out your hair, I’ll bite your chin off, and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. ’Cause I am an insane motherfucker! You know that from the break room! What’s it gonna be?!
& Kirk: I don’t remember what the specific question was, but... I do.
Molly: You do?
Kirk: I will.
Molly: You will?
Kirk: I missed you.
Devon: Guys, this is... It’s a tale as old as time, you know? Song as old as rhyme.
-- Dict:
Stainer = a person who sucks. They are just a stain on the map. A person who ruins a good time, is unwanted or sits on the the bridge with the rats.
+ on Imdb.
__ Nice romantic one.
!! Jay Baruchel as Kirk aka Trotsky! He's rock.
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