Steaks
Season 1, Episode 8
& Ray: You never read Zig Ziglar?
Charlie: Zig Ziglar, Ray?
Ray: Motivation’s like bathing, you gotta do it every day. All right. Whichever one of you three animals does the best on this caper, gets the steak dinner.
& Ray: We’re with the U.S. marshals, we called on the way here.
Janice Day: {...} You can set up a time with my assistant Jeffrey. I’m pretty sure I’m free early next week. Thanks.
Ray: What’s your problem?
Janice Day: Glad you asked. You see, when I spoke to the prosecutors about how my brother stealing a car when he was 18 didn’t warrant 25 years, no one listened. And when I told the warden he was having a hard time in prison, he didn’t do a damn thing. So everyone in law enforcement, which would include you two idiots, can line up and kiss my ass.
& Julianne: ...maybe he was looking for pointers on how to defend himself.
Lloyd: There are way easier ways to cover your ass in prison.
Shea: Like?
Lloyd: You know those tuna packets they sell in the commissary? At nighttime, you take that stuff, you smear it all over your body, okay? Then you don’t shower for three months. The smell would make an attacker throw up instantly. And you also have to sit alone at chow and talk to yourself like you’re a crazy person. “Hey. Hey. Hey. — What? — I’ll kill you. — Shut up. — Uh...”
Shea: So you were that dude.
Lloyd: Hell yeah, I was. Those two elements combined, I had a shield of protection around me like I was in the Gungan friggin’ grand army.
Shea: ???
Julianne: Star Wars.
Lloyd: My homegirl.
& Lloyd: I thought this was going to be Smithy code easy and it’s turning out to be Dorabella difficult.
& Lloyd: That is because prison is awful. That’s why I want that steak dinner. That’s also why, even though Ray and Charlie crap all over me, this isn’t that bad of a situation for me because every time I taste real coffee, or I smell some perfume, or I look out that window and see the water, it’s just like this little tiny taste of freedom.
Julianne: I should try that some time. Deprivating myself of things so I appreciate them more. Just as an experiment.
Lloyd: I got 25 years. It’s not an experiment, it’s my life.
& Lloyd: I am so close. I just can’t... It’s like trying to find the g-spot.
& Julianne: I don’t know where it is. I gave you all of the ISP info I was able to pull. ... No. Because I’m a... A data tracker, not a computer hacker. Well, then, try control, alt, delete. ... Look, you’re the expert, not me.
& Lloyd: Goal!
Julianne: Uh, that’s for a touchdown.
Lloyd: Touchdown!
& Ray: Why wouldn’t you take your hand out of the jar? You could have been killed. Weed?!
Wrong Terry Miller: I was scared.
Charlie: On behalf of the United States marshals we, uh, we apologize for any inconvenience that we may have caused, all right? Go ahead and enjoy your marijuana as if we were never here. You’re not going to have any problems.
& Shea: Dude had wheels. Is it just me, or are white people getting faster?
& Lloyd: Back in time for din-din. Raymond, shall we?
Ray: What makes you think you’re gettin’ it?
Lloyd: I cracked the code that cracked the case. So soon I will be cracking lobster tails as I enjoy my surf and turf.
Shea: Back it up, professor. Anyone can sit in a warm office all day and read books. I jumped off the dumpster like Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and tackled a dude today.
& Ray: All right, Charlie should get this. He went Lawrence Taylor on a guy, even with a bum leg. But I did promise it to a con, and when I asked for backup at the pharmacy, it was Erica who got behind the wheel in two seconds.
Erica: Thanks, Ray.
Lloyd: Shocker. You give it to the person with the most boobs.
Erica: “Better is the dinner of herbs, where the love is, than that of a stalled ox, and hatred therewith.” I actually read that on the back of a tea bag about ten years ago, and it stuck.
Lloyd: You’re a vegetarian?!
Erica: Yeah. I’m a vegetarian who likes to win.
Shea: Suck it.
On Imdb.
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