Eddie: [D.C. sniper] broke into the white leagues with that crime. That crime took planning. Not only planning, it took math. You know, it took math to figure out all them trajectories to shoot from the back of an automobile. That's white-folk shit right there!
Calvin: With the problems we got, black folks used to could say, "at least we ain't crazy." Our crimes made sense. Ain't got no money, rob somebody with money.
Isaac: Black folks are just as crazy as white folks. Mike Tyson... He's like three crazy people. Prince?
Eddie: Hold on, hold on now. He half cherokee or something. Don't put him in with us.
Eddie: What is all that circus Dee soleil that you're doin'? All that flippity hippity stompity stoobily-doo. It ain't necessary to cut nobody head.
Eddie: That aroma is kind of gettin' to me. What kind of coffee is that?
Yuppie: It's not a coffee. It's a chai with soy.
Eddie: Okay, so it's herbal.
Yuppie: Yeah, it's herbal.
Eddie: You must be a lot like me. You lactose intolerant. Yeah, I'm lactose intolerant. I go near a cow, and my behind blow up like Dizzy Gillespie. Downright flatulent. And the smell. Man, the smell that come out of there, it's so bad, sometimes I have to set myself outside.
Yuppie: I'm not lactose intolerant, all right? I have a very healthy metabolism.
Eddie: I tried to have some of them little, bitty Milky Ways... the small one. I ate two of them at a party one night, and, man, it just got... I just couldn't control it. It was the lactose intoleration.
Yuppie: Listen, I'm not lactose intolerant.
Eddie: Look, man, all that's fine. I'm trying to help you. It's just not fair for your date. You gotta think about if you on a date and you up here sneakin' 'em off, and she's trying to wonder, "he seem like he dressed nice, he seems clean, but what is that smell?" And you tryin' to act like you ain't got no... Take care of yourself.
Yuppie: Sir, I am very nice to black people, okay?
Eddie: Nice to black people?! You better be, especially me. I keep my stuff with me, okay? I cut you. You can look me up on the Internet, www. Cut-a-mother. Com. That's me right there lookin' at you.
Calvin: We got to pay for this somehow.
Eddie: Forget about it. We in a crisis, and you can double my rent.
Calvin: You don't even pay no rent.
Isaac: What?!
Eddie: In that case, triple it, then.
Terri: Not to throw salt, but why you don't pay no booth rent?
Eddie: I don't pay rent 'cause I don't pay rent. Okay? So pour out your cup of haterade and sop it up off the floor and get some business.
Calvin: Also, I want to institute a couple of new rules.
Eddie: You comin' at me with too much. That's all for one day. Take baby steps.
Calvin: Rule number one... No more profanity. I know you about to say something! Don't even say it.
Eddie: I ain't sayin' nothin'. I'm thinkin' it.
Calvin: Yap! Yap! Yap! Yap! All that yapping leads me to rule number three... No more loud talking.
— What?!?!
Calvin: How's life been treating you?
Ray: It's been cool. Me and my girlfriend's husband got in a fight. He only won 'cause she helped him.
Calvin: Can you get this stuff on this list? I'm looking to get high-end stuff at low-end prices.
Ray: You know I can.
Calvin: Legally.
Ray: You mean like with a receipt legally? Like I ain't steal it? If the police walk up, do I gotta drop it and run?
Ricky: Don't start paying me compliments and stuff, 'cause then I gotta give one back to you. We'd be all over each other again, and don't nobody want that.
Calvin: Sir, do you know why Jesus wept?... Well, when Lazarus died, Martha and Mary, they cried over his body. When Jesus saw their pain, he couldn't help but cry, too. So that's why Jesus wept.
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