Cobbler

Better Call Saul 2×2

& Saul: Must be metric.

& Mike: Your baseball cards?

& Mike: I think what we have here now is a carrot-and-stick situation.
    Nacho: Oh, yeah? This the stick? Hmm? You coming here, threatening my family? Huh? ’Cause you’re gonna need a bigger stick, old man.
    Mike: I’m not here to threaten your family. And the name of the stick is Tuco Salamanca.

& Saul: James McGill.
    Mike: It’s Ehrmantraut. You still morally flexible? If so, I might have a job for you.
    Saul: Where and when?

& Saul: We all have our secrets, don’t we? And who among us is without sin? But those sins aren’t all of the criminal variety, and neither are Mr. Wormald’s, okay?

& Saul: Squat cobbler.
    Detective 1: What’s a s-squat cobbler?
    Saul: Squat cobbler. You know what squat cobbler is.
    Detective 1: No, I don’t... I don’t know what a squat cobbler is.
    Detective 2: No, me neither. What is it?
    Saul: What? And you two guys are cops? Hoboken squat cobbler... Full moon moon-pie. Boston cream splat... Seriously? Simple-Simon-the-ass-man. Dutch apple ass. Guys, am I not speaking English here?
    Detective 1: What the hell is a squat cobbler?!
    Saul: It’s when a man sits in pie! He sits in a pie! And he... he wiggles around. Maybe it’s like Hellmann’s mayonnaise. It has a different name west of the rockies. I don’t know. But, uh, technically, he does a crybaby squat, so there’s tears, which makes it more specialized. Not all pie sitters cry. But I’m gonna tell you something... This guy is a regular Julianne Moore once he gets the waterworks cranked up.

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& Detective 2: Pies? What? Like apple?
    Saul: Guys, I’m not the filmmaker here, all right? Banana cream. I... uh, peach. Oh, and there... And there is a costume involved.
    Detective 1: You got to be shitting us.
    Saul: Yeah, like I would make this up.

& Saul: Hey, the world is a rich tapestry, my friends. But trust me on this. You don’t want to see it.

& Dan: So, uh, we’re good, right?
    Saul: Yeah. Great. There is, however, one little, tiny hanging Chad...
    Dan: Well, what? What Chad?
    Saul: You’re gonna have to make a video...

& Kim: How the hell did you come up with that? If you gave me a million years, I still would not have come up with that.
    Saul: The muse. She speaks through me. I am but a humble vessel.

& Kim: You fabricated evidence?!
    Saul: I made a video.

& Kim: Jimmy, this could really hurt you. If they find out, if you get caught...
    Saul: It... they’re never gonna find out.
    Kim: Seriously? You sound like every dumb criminal out there. If you keep this up, they will find out. For what, Jimmy?! What is the point?

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