The X-Files 10×3
& Paint-huffing stoner: I don’t think that... that dude’s okay.
& Scully: Mulder... what are you doing to my poster?
& Mulder: Scully, since we’ve been away, much of the «unexplained» has been explained. The «Death Valley Racetrack»?.. Turns out it was just ice formations, moving the rocks around as it melted. Yeah, ice.
& Mulder: It’s amazing, going through these archives with fresh— if not wiser— eyes, how many of these cases, whether it’s «The Amarillo Armadillo Man...» or «The Hairy Whatzit of Walla Walla...» can be explained away as fraternity pranks, practical jokes or people making stuff up simply because they’re bored and/or crazy. And if that doesn’t explain it, well, then it was probably just ice.
Scully: Mulder, have you been taking your meds?
& Mulder: I’m a middle-aged man, Scully— no, I am, I am. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to put away childish things— the Sasquatches and mothmen and... jackalopes.
& Scully: We’ve been given another case, Mulder. It has a monster in it.
& Mulder: Notice they didn’t get a picture of it, which is odd, because everybody always has a camera on them these days...
& Mulder: Mountain lions always attack from behind.
& Mulder: Grey wolves, Scully. They’ve made a comeback in this region.
& Scully: However, the third victim wasn’t wearing any clothes.
Mulder: Maybe he was a nudist. Took a midnight hike in the nude, got attacked by a wolf or a lion or a bear. Maybe all at the same time. That’s how I’d like to go out.
& Mulder: Aw, Scully, I gave up profiling before I gave up monsters. You’ve seen one serial killer, you’ve seen ’em all.
& Mulder: Okay. ... But mark my words, Scully— when we catch whatever is doing these killings... it’s only going to have two eyes.
& Scully: What are you doing? Mulder...
Mulder: If this thing looks like what people say it looks like, I’m gonna get a good picture of it.
Scully: If this thing looks like those drawings, I’m emptying my clip into it. Even if it is in its underwear. Mulder...
Mulder: Ah, it’s this new camera app. I’m not sure if it’s working right.
& Pasha: I heard a noise over there, so I ran over here!
& Pasha: What is up with your phone?
Mulder: I don’t know, it’s this new app. I don’t know if it’s working right.
Pasha: Are you taking picture or video?
Mulder: I don’t know.
Pasha: Go to Settings...
Mulder: Where?...
& Scully: Did you get a good look at it?
Mulder: I got a picture.
& Guy Mann: A bit of privacy, please.
& Mulder: Hey. You’re overlooking the video. Look....
Scully: Mulder, you’ve got the lens pointed the wrong way.
Mulder: Yeah, it’s the new camera app. But look.
& Scully: ...And animals don’t shoot blood out of their eyeballs.
Mulder: Oh, no? Well, tell that to the horned lizard. Which shoots blood out its eyeball, Scully, yes. It’s a defense mechanism. Scientific fact!
Scully: Mulder, the Internet is not good for you.
& Scully: What, so now you’re saying that you were attacked by a six-foot horny toad?
Mulder: Whoa. Let’s just keep this within the realm of the natural sciences, shall we?
Scully: My initial exam of the bite marks on this wound would suggest that they were made by a human being.
Mulder: So we’re looking for a man-sized horned lizard with human teeth... Sounds a bit silly, doesn’t it?
Scully: Yeah.
Mulder: ... You’re really enjoying yourself, aren’t you, Scully?
Scully: Yeah. I am.
& Scully: I forgot how much fun these cases could be.
& Manager: You’re not supposed to be... Oh... That’s a security feature. I had it put in after 9/11.
Mulder: I’m not gonna report you. When one checks into an establishment such as this, one expects the manager to be a Peeping Tom.
& Manager: You’re, uh... you’re not gonna believe it.
Mulder: Try me.
& Mulder: It’s a monster, Scully, plain and simple.
& Mulder: Or maybe science was used to create this «unnatural» being. Maybe this is some GMO experiment run amok by some military-agro-big-pharma corporation. Maybe this guy is its chief geneticist, who recklessly experimented on himself and now transforms into a fiend who needs to feast on human flesh.
& Mulder: I don’t know what this thing is, Scully, and I don’t know exactly how it came to be, I just... All I’m saying is, it’s a monster.
Scully: Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder.
Mulder: So you’re agreeing with me?
Scully: No!
& Psychiatrist: .... So, finally, he visits a gypsy, who tells him the only way to kill this monster is to stab it in its appendix with a lance made of green glass.
Mulder: Wh... why the green glass? And why the appendix?
Psychiatrist: Who the hell knows? In these old fairy tales, the monster must always be destroyed by some form of penetration— a silver bullet, a wooden stake— obviously, our ancestors were as obsessed with impotency as we are, eh?
& Psychiatrist: .... But as the monster is dying, the constable realizes he’s been looking in the mirror. He was the monster all along, you see?
Mulder: The moral being...?
Psychiatrist: It’s easier to believe in monsters out there in the world than to accept that the real monsters dwell within us here... and sometimes here. Maybe sometimes here.
& Psychiatrist: At any rate, I was reminded of this tale because of your suspect’s delusion that when the moon appears, he would turn into a werewolf.
Mulder: Werewolf?
Psychiatrist: I’m sorry. I meant «were-lizard.» The werewolf was my patient on Monday.
& Psychiatrist: I recommended, the next time he felt an episode coming on, that he go for a quiet stroll in the local cemetery. A reminder that no matter how overwhelming our anxieties might be, they will soon be resolved, when we are dead and buried for all eternity.
Mulder: Do you really think that’s sound therapeutic advice?
Psychiatrist: It’s what I do.
& Mulder: Okay. I’ll do it. I’ll kill you.
Guy Mann: Thanks, mister. You’re, like, the only nice person I’ve ever met!
& Guy Mann: Once clothed, I became... possessed. I fought against it as much as I could, but I lost control. I had to go on a hunt. I had to hunt down a... a...
Mulder: A human victim?
Guy Mann: No, a job. Uh... My craze wouldn’t be satiated until I found steady work.
& Guy Mann: I found something right away. Now, this model comes with 3,000 gigabertz of pixelbitz... It’s perfect for me. I have no idea what I’m saying, and neither do my customers. You can see from the shape of it that it’s quite rectangular... By the end of the day, I was the manager.
& Guy Mann: You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals— the ability to BS my way through anything. I mean, it’s better than camouflage!
& Guy Mann: What’s even more disturbing is what I did after work that first day. I was so exhausted, out of my mind, I... I committed a murder.
Mulder: Who did you kill?
Guy Mann: A cow. I’d like a double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.
& Mulder: In your natural state, you’re a vegetarian?
Guy Mann: No, an insectivore. But no one likes insects, not even other insects.
& Guy Mann: Coffee. Need coffee. Alas, I was human again. I went back to work. But now that I had a job, all I could think about was how much I hated my job. Oh, that’s it. I quit! But I was too overcome with human fear to quit. How would I pay my bills? Without a job, I’d-I’d never get a loan and start a mortgage, whatever that is. Already I was terrified I wasn’t saving enough for my retirement.And what else was I supposed to do?
& Guy Mann: I just couldn’t go on. So I... I visited a witch doctor.
Mulder: ???
Guy Mann: Psychiatrist.
& Guy Mann: But the medicine he gave me didn’t cure me, it just clouded my thoughts.
& Guy Mann: I did something insane.
Mulder: You attacked and killed someone?
Guy Mann: No, I got a puppy! I named him Daggoo. Daggoo! Daggoo! And I quickly realized that the only way to be happy as a human was to spend all of your time in the company of non-humans.
& Guy Mann: Life’s hopeless. A few fleeting moments of happiness, surrounded by crushing loss and grief. Why bother?
& Mulder: But wait... how could you have changed back into a man? It wasn’t morning yet.
Guy Mann: I don’t know how it works. I’m not a scientist.
Mulder: I’m just looking for some kind of internal logic.
Guy Mann: Why? There isn’t an external logic to any of it.
& Guy Mann: Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us.
& Scully: I think maybe my phone isn’t working right, ’cause guys don’t send me pictures of their junk on it. I think maybe I’d like to... take a picture of yours.
& Mulder: That... did not happen.
Guy Mann: I know it’s hard to believe,...
& Guy Mann: All right, you got me. Ever since I became a human, I can’t help but lie about my sex life.
& Mulder: You and me, we’re the same, Guy. We both want to believe in things that aren’t real or even possible.
Guy Mann: «There are more things in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in...»
Mulder: «...your philosophy.» I know that.
Guy Mann: Ah, but did you know the First Folio version reads— «than are dreamt of in our philosophy»?
Mulder: So Hamlet is not just calling Horatio an ignorant idiot, he’s calling us all ignorant idiots?
Guy Mann: It’s a comforting thought, isn’t it? Because if there’s nothing more to life than what we already know, then there’s nothing but... worries, self-doubt, regret... and loneliness.
& Guy Mann: Foxman, you’ve got to put me out of my misery! I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and have to go to work!
& Mulder: It turns out it wasn’t a man who turns into a lizard, it was a lizard who turns into a man.
Scully: I don’t see the difference.
Mulder: That’s the point, Scully, there is no difference. Both scenarios are equally foolish. And I was foolish to believe... well, maybe I was just a fool, Scully. Maybe I always have been.
& Scully: I hate to disappoint you. It wasn’t some monster running around, killing people and eating their flesh; it was a normal human being.
& Scully: ... Besides, you forget— I’m immortal.
& Mulder: Well, you have to admit, it’s, uh... it’s a little absurd.
Guy Mann: A little bit absurd? It’s a lot absurd. I mean, look at this thing. Whose genius idea was it to tie a piece of cloth around your neck? It’s waiting to strangle you.
& Guy Mann: Do you want a hat?
& Mulder: I didn’t know that, uh, reptiles hibernated.
Guy Mann: Whoa. I’m not a reptile. That’s racist!
Mulder: O-O-Okay... Okay.
& Guy Mann: .... 10,000 years.
Mulder: That’s... not possible.
Guy Mann: There you go again, not believing me!
Mulder: I want to believe.
& Mulder: Likewise.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
+ Every Easter Egg in The Episode.
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