Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

Two and a Half Men 10×3

& Alan: I was thinking that maybe we could spice things up a little.
    Lyndsey: What’d you have in mind?
    Alan: Well, um... I have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
    Lyndsey: Oh.

& Lyndsey: Do you see this taking place in a bedroom or the back of a panel van?
    Alan: I don’t know, I’m only halfway through the book.
    Lyndsey: Forget the book. What about you? Do you have any fantasies?
    Alan: Of course I do. If I lived only in my regular life, I’d eat a rifle.

& Alan: Oh, crap. So you want to have a threesome with me and Walden?
    Lyndsey: You have your fantasy, I have mine.
    Alan: Yeah, but mine’s a traditional, wholesome three-way. You, me and an anonymous, drunken slut. The way God intended.

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& Alan: The thing is, Lyndsey wants to have a sausage fest before the clam bake.
    Walden: That’s clever.
    Alan: Yeah, she has this crazy idea that before I have my threesome... she wants to have one of her own.
    Walden: Wait. She wants to have a threesome without you?
    Alan: No, no, I’m gonna be there. Uh, but with another guy.
    Walden: Huh.
    Alan: Ha, the really crazy part is... um, uh... that she wants the other guy, uh, to be, um, you.

& Alan: Listen, we need to establish some ground rules.
    Walden: Sure, like what?
    Alan: ...... Well, I guess this goes without saying... but we’re not making Band-Aids here... so Johnson should never meet Johnson.
    Walden: Yeah, true. Two dongs don’t make a right.
    Alan: Oh, speaking of. If you have any desire to stick your tongue in my mouth... stick your tongue in her mouth and then she’ll stick her tongue... in my mouth, and we’ll consider the circle complete.
    Walden: Fine. It’s your loss.

& Alan: Don’t feel obligated to bring your A game today, okay?
    Walden: My A game?
    Alan: I mean, what I’m saying is you’re younger than I am, prettier than I am... there’s more... of you than there is of me!
    Walden: What do you want me to do?
    Alan: Just saying, we’re playing a public course here. Spot me a couple strokes.

& Walden: That is beautiful. Kind of thought we were gonna be family.
    Lyndsey: We’re your family now.
    Alan: I’m starting to feel a little like a very distant cousin.

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On the IMDb