Twanging Your Magic Clanger

Two and a Half Men 8×6

& Alan: Come on. She’s a dermatologist and I have a hideous growth on my foot.
    Charlie: The hideous growth on your foot is you.

& Charlie: Hey, Alan. Listen...
    Alan: Hey. Hey. Hey!
    Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
    Alan: Nothing!
    Charlie: Right. Having ’a little me’ time.
    Alan: Wasn’t little until you came in.

& Michelle: I’m 47, Charlie.
    Charlie: Oh, okay. I wasn’t even thinking about that!
    Michelle: Really? What were you thinking about?
    Charlie: Uh... You know, the Scientology thing with Travolta and Cruise. What’s that all about?

& Alan: Oh, come on, 47’s just a number.
    Charlie: A big number. A scary number.
    Alan: Are you really that superficial, vain and shallow?
    Charlie: Yes, yes and yes. The deepest thing about me... is a little pit on my ass where a mole used to be.
    Alan: But fish can swim in shallow water.
    Charlie: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
    Alan: I don’t know, I’m a little dehydrated.

---

& Alan: It’s not my fault.
    Charlie: Really? Whose fault is it?
    Alan: Big pharma.
    Charlie: Who the hell’s big pharma?
    Alan: You know, pharmaceutical companies that make boner pills that last 36 hours.
    Charlie: You took a boner pill?!
    Alan: I had to. The pills were about to expire.
    Charlie: But you didn’t have a woman.
    Alan: Hence the constant masturbation. You know how expensive those things are. I’m simply trying to get my money’s worth.

& Charlie: So this non-stop whack-a-thon is just because you’re cheap?
    Alan: And horny.
    Charlie: And nuts.
    Alan: Semantics.
    Charlie: Why the car?
    Alan: You said not in the living room.
    Charlie: Did I say “in the car”?
    Alan: Well, I didn’t plan it. I... I was gonna go to the movies and I got distracted.
    Charlie: What could possibly distract you from driving out of the garage?
    Alan: Think about it. Slipping the key into the hole... Gently turning it... pumping the gas until the engine starts purring...
    Charlie: I’m thinking about it and I’m still going with nuts.

& Alan: What happened?
    Charlie: You really expect me to share my personal problems... with a self-abusing zoo monkey?

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On the IMDb