The Crazy Bitch Gazette

Two and a Half Men 8×7

& Michelle: You eat a lot of fish. Aren’t you worried about mercury?
    Charlie: Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me... mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure... struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. Guess which I’m rooting for.

& Charlie: This is my mother Evelyn. Mom, Michelle.
    Michelle: It’s a pleasure. You have a wonderful son.
    Evelyn: Yes, I do. But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him.

& Charlie: He needs money.
    Alan: No, no. But if you’re looking to give I’m not gonna turn it down.
    Evelyn: You’re a dermatologist. How do I get rid of a 170-pound skin tag?
    Alan: Excuse me, 164!
    Charlie: Really? That’s the part you object to?
    Alan: You like to be called a 200-pound drunk?
    Charlie: One-eighty.
    Alan: See?

& Evelyn: Children are God’s little way of punishing us for having sex.

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& Charlie: So, Michelle, you’ve met my mom and my brother. You breaking up with me now, or prefer to wait till after lunch?

& Rose: You should know that I didn’t come over to ruin your date.
    Charlie: Really. Why did you come over?
    Rose: To tell you that I’m getting married.
    Charlie: I’m not marrying you, Rose!

& Rose: Last chance to kiss the bride!

& Charlie: ’Okay. Call me. Kisses...’ Kisses? If I was any fruitier, I could open a Jamba Juice.

& Michelle: What you said about your housekeeper. You love her, but you’re scared of her. Having met your mother, I’m betting you’re scared of her.
    Charlie: Well, yeah, but I don’t love her.
    Michelle: Charlie...
    Charlie: What are you trying to say? I’m in love with Rose?!
    Michelle: You tell me... Bye, Charlie.
    Charlie: Okay, I do love Berta... I suppose I kind of love my mother... Oh, crap!

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