Two and a Half Men 3x16

Ergo, the Booty Call

& Alan: Sorry, I’m late, but Kandi and I had morning sex.
    Charlie: Good for you.
    Alan: Twice.
    Charlie: Congratulations.
    Alan: She didn’t even wake me up for the first one. I almost missed it.
    Charlie: Well, I’ve always said a 22-year-old girl is like a good carpenter: no wood gets wasted.

& Charlie: Hey, here’s a fun fact. You’re sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high. And yet there’s a good chance she lost her virginity before you did. And here’s another fun fact. I’ll bet she’s had sex with more girls than you, too.
    Alan: ............ That is... a fun fact.

& Jake: Uncle Charlie? Uncle Charlie, you awake?
    Charlie: Go away.
    Jake: Don’t you want to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday?
    Charlie: Jake, I swear to God...
    Jake: Wait, not yet. Five, four, three, two, one. Okay, now.
    Charlie: Get out.
    Jake: You can give me your present now if you want to.
    Charlie: If you leave immediately, I’ll give you the gift of life.
    Jake: All right.

& Jake: Hey, how come Dad’s not in his room?
    Charlie: ... He’s out with Kandi.
    Jake: When’s he coming home?
    Charlie: Not for a while.
    Jake: Why doesn’t he just have sex with her here?
    Charlie: What makes you think he’s having sex with her?
    Jake: I don’t know, common sense?

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& Charlie: Happy birthday, you big dope.
    Jake: Why am I a big dope?
    Charlie: When did you finally fall asleep?
    Jake: How could I possibly know that?
    Charlie: And now you got a party starting in a couple hours and you feel like hell, right?
    Jake: Yeah.
    Charlie: Happy birthday, you big dope.

& Jake: Hey, am I old enough to have coffee now?
    Charlie: You still think armpit farts are funny?
    Jake: Yeah.
    Charlie: Then, no.

& Alan: Boy... that really wasn’t a quickie, was it?
    Kandi: The first one was.

& Judith: Why did he take vitamins?
    Jake: I was tired.
    Alan: Okay, but where did you find vitamins to take?
    Jake: In your medicine cabinet.
    Alan: I don’t have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.
    Jake: Yeah, you do. The little blue ones with a “V” on them.
    Judith: Ooh...
    Evelyn: What’s going on? I don’t understand.
    Berta: The kid’s going to need another party hat.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.