My Tongue Is Meat
Alan: What?
Jake: The death penalty.
Alan: Really? That’s a... That’s a very complex issue. So what are your thoughts?
Jake: Well, if you’re going to the chair, they got to give you whatever you want for your last meal, right?
Alan: I guess.
Jake: I’m gonna order cereal.
Alan: Why?
Jake: ’Cause if you keep adding milk, you can make it last forever. And they just got to wait.
& Alan: Why would you be going to the chair in the first place?
Jake: I don’t know... My DNA shows up at a murder scene... Because it’s planted by a crooked cop or maybe one of my teachers.
Alan: So you’d be wrongly accused.
Jake: Story of my life, Dad. Remember that water pistol incident at school?
Alan: But that was your water pistol.
Jake: Yes, but it wasn’t my pee.
& Jake: Whatcha doing?
Charlie: Nothing. Close the damn door.
Jake: You told Mia you weren’t gonna smoke or drink anymore.
Charlie: Yeah, well, you told your father you weren’t gonna watch dirty movies on cable anymore.
Jake: Don’t change the subject.
& Evelyn: One question.
Mia: I’m listening.
Evelyn: Can you fix him?
& Berta: How do you feel about taking a whore’s bath with a hunk of bleu cheese?
& Mia: I’m so proud of him. He hasn’t had a drop of alcohol in weeks.
Evelyn: Well, that’s one way to go. But I’ve found that men who drink tend to talk less and sleep more. Which, frankly, becomes increasingly desirable as the years go by.
& Charlie: I’m tired of you trying to make me over into something I’m not. I’m a grown man, not a work in progress!
Mia: Charlie, people are staring.
Charlie: Let ’em stare! You guys know what I mean. Why can’t women look at a guy for who he is instead of who they can turn him into?
& Charlie: I think I made a big mistake.
Jake: I know the feeling. I once ate an egg salad sandwich I left in my desk over the weekend. Huge mistake.
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+ quotes on the Imdb.
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