The Big Bang Theory 5x20

The Transporter Malfunction

& Penny: Oh, my God. I love this chicken.
    Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, best things in life are free.

& Howard: There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, in the other three, mine.

& Sheldon: I hate wedding receptions. Yeah, I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins. Slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.

& Howard: You got to let me know if you have a plus one. Because if not, my mom’s trying to sneak in the doctor who sucked the fat out of her neck.

& Sheldon: Howard aren’t having a make-your-own-sundae bar?
    Howard: I don’t think so.
    Sheldon: Well, you should. 50% of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.

& Raj: Hello, Mummy, Daddy. How are you?
    Mom: Pretty good. Can’t complain.
    Dad: Oh, I’m sure you can. Just give it a minute.

& Raj: I’m metrosexual.
    Dad: What’s that?
    Raj: It means I like women as well as their skin-care products.

& Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy...
    Leonard: Yeah, I’m glad.
    Sheldon: It’s like looking at the universe naked.

& Leonard: You went to the comic book store by yourself?!
    Penny: Yeah. It was fun. I walked in, and two different guys got asthma attacks.

& Penny: Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you.
    Leonard: Oh...
    Penny: Leonard, I got you... a label-maker!
    Leonard: .......................

& Penny: Come on. Can’t we open one up and take a look?
    Leonard: No, don’t! Once you open the box, it loses its value.
    Penny: Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

& Bernadette: The nuns always chaperoned the dances at my high school. They used to make us leave room between us for the Holy Spirit.
    Howard: Uh, Hindus do the same thing. Except they leave room for a cow.

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& Bernadette: So, arranged marriages... the parents just decide and then you have to get married?
    Raj: No, no, I get a say in it. But I’m sure whoever shows up will be better company than the threesome I’ve been having with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

& Raj: I’m thinking double wedding.

& Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?
    Sheldon: To be played with.
    Spock: Therefore, to not play with it would be...?
    Sheldon: ...Illogical! Damn it, Spock, you’re right.

& Raj: I hope you saved room for chocolate lava cake.
    Lakshmi: Impressive. What goes into making something like that?
    Raj: Well, you start out by trying to make chocolate soufflé, and when it falls, you panic, quickly change the name, and voila, lava cake.

& Lakshmi: I’m under a lot of pressure from my parents to get married and settle down and have a family, and I’m going to do it so they don’t find out I’m gay.
    Raj: Say again?
    Lakshmi: I’m gay.
    Raj: Like... dude-on-dude, but with women?

& Raj: I’m not gay!
    Lakshmi: Really? The chocolate lava cake, the little soaps in the bathroom, and I’m sorry, but you’re wearing more perfume than I am.

& Lakshmi: You were exactly the kind of phony-baloney husband I was looking for.
    Raj: Thank you. And once again, my baloney likes girls.

& Sheldon: Oh, dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.

& Raj: Look, Howard, you’re in a relationship. You know you have to make compromises.
    Howard: Yes, but my compromises are about which bedspread to buy or whose turn it is to do the laundry, Bernadette’s or my mom’s.

& Howard: Why don’t you tell your parents you want to try to find someone else? Maybe one who hasn’t slept with more woman than you.

& Raj: I can’t believe your attitude. I thought you were in favor of gay people getting married.
    Howard: Yes, to other gay people!
    Raj: Do you hear how homophobic you sound?

& Penny: What is the truth?
    Sheldon: My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke, I switched it for yours. Later, he encouraged me to do the right thing, and I defied him... And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
    Leonard: Okay, that I believe.

& Raj: What brings you guys by?
    Bernadette: Raj, Howie told me what’s going on with you and Lakshmi.
    Raj: You told her?!
    Howard: I told everybody...

& Bernadette: We believe there’s someone out there who will love you for you.
    Howard: Actually, we kind of agreed to disagree on that one, but we both think you shouldn’t marry this woman.

& Bernadette: Heterosexual, my ass.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.