Our Idiot Brother

& Dylan: Oh, my God. What have you done to your vagina?
    Liz Rochlin: It’s a Brazilian.
    Dylan: Bizarre...

Tony Orlando and Dawn: Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree

& Coleman: I’m... Officer... Omar... Coleman. I’m... your... parole... officer.
    Ned: I’m Ned Rochlin. Why are you talking so slow?
    Coleman: I just figured, looking at your sheet, that since you sold grass to a uniformed police officer that you must be retarded.

& Ned: This is cool, man.
    Coleman: Yeah.
    Ned: This is like... This is like free therapy. New York State cares.

& Therapist: Tell me about Uncle Ned.
    River: He just got out of jail.
    Dylan: In Japan, for protesting about whales... like the slaughter of whales.
    River: I thought you said he sold drugs to a policeman?
    Liz: Oh.

& Ned: Here’s the thing, I... I live my life a certain way. And that is that I like to think that if you put your trust out there, I mean, if you really... give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions, they’re gonna want to live up to it. It doesn’t always work out, clearly. But, more often than not, I think that if you do, people will rise to the occasion. I really believe that.

& Ned: I don’t think I can ask her again, Cin.
    Cindy: No, no, no, Ned. We’re not gonna ask, We’re gonna take.
    Ned: We?
    Cindy: Yeah. Who’s the man?
    Ned: You are?
    Cindy: Who’s the man, Ned?
    Ned: Jesus! Me.
    Cindy: Yes, say it. Who’s the man?
    Ned: Who’s the man?
    Cindy: No, say it... “I’m the man.”
    Ned: You’re the man. I’m the man.
    Cindy: You’re the man! You’re the man!
    Ned: That’s right. I’m the man.

---

& Ned: I’m sorry, I can’t... I’m so sorry. I can’t do it. I think your erection in my leg totally threw me. I’m so sorry, I’m really embarrassed.

& Ned: I’m such a jerk.
    Jeremy: You’re really not a jerk.
    Ned: No, maybe I should’ve tried harder or just... You know.
    Jeremy: Ned. Dude, just ’cause you’re straight doesn’t mean you’re homophobic.

& Natalie Rochlin: I’m pregnant.
    Ned: What? Oh, my God, that...! Congratulations, man! That’s so awesome for you guys.
    Natalie: God, what do I fucking do?
    Ned: Well... this sounds weird, but do you think you’re not as much of a lesbian as you thought?

Ol’ Blue — Willy Nelson

& Ned: You’re a good dude. And I just needed this appointment today, I’m having a tough go of it. I swear, I try and do good, but I just screw it up. Man, I screwed it up with my sisters, I’m back living with my mom. On top of it all, I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the street.
    Coleman: OK, I didn’t just hear that.
    Ned: I said I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid who lives across...
    Coleman: What are you doing? Hey! Ned, why are you telling me this?
    Ned: I just need to unload, man. That’s part of why I’m here, right?
    Coleman: I’m not your therapist, Ned. You don’t tell your parole officer you got high. Now I have to report you or else I could lose my job.
    Ned: Seriously? Can you forget I said that?
    Coleman: No, Ned, I can’t.
    Ned: Oh, fuck.

& River: I know you’re really mad at my mom and Aunt Natalie and Aunt Miranda. But they all feel really sorry, I swear.
    Ned: River, I want you to go tell your mom and your aunts something for me, OK?
    River: Sure, Uncle Ned. ... Go fuck yourselves.
    Liz: River!
    River: That’s what he said.

& Janet: I am not gonna stand here and be insulted on my own porch.
    Miranda Rochlin: I’ll insult you right here.
    Janet: I’m a pacifist. I don’t play that way.
    Miranda: I’m gonna peace you in the side of the head if you don’t give us the dog.
    Janet: I’m not gonna receive that with anything but love.

Mindy Smith & Daniel Tashian — Taking You With Me

♪ Well you’re hot and your cold ♪
♪ not always easy to hold ♪
♪ and your hard to impress ♪
♪ sounds funny but you might be the best ♪
♪ friend that I have ♪
♪ cause whenever you’re gone and Im left all alone ♪
♪ well the world seems worse ♪
♪ though I didn’t really like you at first ♪
♪ I was wrong about that ♪

& Liz: I feel like I’m gonna cry.
    Ned: You guys are gonna be great. My work here is done.
    Miranda: Who’s gonna watch sci-fi with Jeremy? I can’t always do it.
    Natalie: Who’s gonna babysit my kid for free?
    Liz: Yeah, who?

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+ quotes on the Imdb.