The Hawking Excitation
Raj: I don’t mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
Howard: ... Believe me, I know.
& Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, “Sheldon, it’s 2:00 a.m., get out of my bedroom”?
Leonard: Like it was ten hours ago...
& Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.
Howard: I told you, no.
Sheldon: But I said I’m sorry!
Howard: No, you said, “Would it help if I said I’m sorry?”
Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?
& Howard: Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon: Um... to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard: Jews don’t have heaven.
Sheldon: Then to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.
& Sheldon: Howard, please. ... Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.
Howard: ... Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
& Sheldon: Howard, please, I’m begging you.
Leonard: Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj: Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly... He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5... And... when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly.
& Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
& Howard: You don’t seem to be understanding the English word “no.” Maybe a different language will help. nyet. bu. iie. qo’. Binary coded Ascii: 0110111001101111.
Sheldon: It’s actually 01100111.
Howard: No!!!
Sheldon: I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.
Howard: Hells naw.
& Raj: Bring him to his bony knees.
& Howard: I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon: Great, thank you! Oh, that’s terrific!
Howard: But in exchange, I’d like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon: What kinds of things?
Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: You should be so lucky...
& Penny: Why are you washing Howard’s man panties?
Sheldon: Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time.
& Penny: I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy?
Sheldon: Because he’s punishing me for being a “condescending jerk.” You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?
Penny: Well, kind of...
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means...
Penny: I know what it means! And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.
Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.
& Howard: What’s the matter?
Bernadette: Every time I spend the night, your mom slaps me on the behind and says, “Go get ’em.”
& Bernadette: Why are you doing that? You’re being mean to him.
Howard: He’s mean to me all the time. You’ve heard him tease me about not having a doctorate.
Bernadette: If you don’t want to get teased about that, get a doctorate. I have one; they’re great.
& Mrs. Wolowitz: Sheldon! I need your help!
Sheldon: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?
Mrs. Wolowitz: It’s this dress! When I put my front in, my back pops out! When I put my back in, my front pops out! It’s like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub!
Sheldon: What do you want me to do?
Mrs. Wolowitz: We’re gonna have to work as a team! Get in here, grab a handful, and start stuffing!
& Sheldon: I’m not sure how to do this.
Mrs. Wolowitz: It’s easy, just pretend you’re putting away a sleeping bag.
Sheldon: Sleeping bags don’t usually sweat this much, but okay.
& Mrs. Wolowitz: You should have seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all?!
& Mrs. Wolowitz: Would you hold me?
Sheldon: Oh... no, you know, I’m not really the holding kind of... Oh!
& Sheldon: Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.
& Howard: I want you to tell me I’m good at what I do.
Sheldon: You’re obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.
Howard: ..........
Leonard: It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.
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On the Imdb.
__ 1 of the best episodes.
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