The Big Bang Theory 4x17

The Toast Derivation

Season 4, Episode 17

& Sheldon: Where are you going?
    Leonard: I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us?
    Sheldon: But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.


& Leonard: Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight?
    Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter “M,” but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.


& Leonard: Just come with me to Raj’s.
    Sheldon: Well, I don’t want to go to a party.
    Leonard: It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there.
    Sheldon: I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.
    Leonard: How come it’s not a party when we do it here?
    Sheldon: Because we don’t throw parties.


& Sheldon: Oh, dear!
    Leonard: What?
    Sheldon: Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.
    Leonard: So don’t watch TV. Read a book.
    Sheldon: And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.
    Leonard: Ugh!
    Sheldon: The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?
    Leonard: Right.
    Sheldon: Is it about me or the dead pixels?


& Sheldon: Oh, look. it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.


& R: Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own.
    Sheldon: Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.


& Priya: Do you want a margarita, Sheldon?
    Sheldon: A Margarita?! Where are we?! What is happening?!

---

& Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon. What can I get you?
    Sheldon: Water. Neat*. With a little umbrella.


& Penny: Where are all your friends?
    Sheldon: Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl*.


& Amy: Hi, bestie.
    Penny: Oh. Hi, Amy. How you been?
    Amy: Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.


& Amy: Penny, I’m sorry you got dragged into this. I know you’re devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-colored skin.


& Amy: Sheldon, look at me. I think it’s time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes.
    Sheldon: Leonard the nucleus?! That makes no sense. I’m the whimsical* elf that everyone looks to for a good time.
    Amy: I’m not saying that you’re not fun. You’re the most fun person I know.


& Amy: What I am saying, Sheldon, is that your group is Leonard-centric. If it were a town, it would be Leonardville. If it were an Islamic nation, Leonardstan. If it were the birthplace of motion pictures, we’d all be singing “Hooray for Leonardwood.”
    Penny: Ooh, I got one. If you guys were a band, you’d be called Leonard and the Leonerds.
    Amy: So needy*.


& Sheldon: Leonard.
    Leonard: Yeah?
    Sheldon: We had a good run, you and I...
    Leonard: Okay.
    Sheldon: But change is a part of life.
    Leonard: It certainly is.
    Sheldon: Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.
    Leonard: I am leaving.
    Sheldon: Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.
    Leonard: Good-bye, Sheldon.
    Sheldon: And good-bye to you, sir. He’ll be back.
    Leonard: Of course I’ll be back. I live here!


& Sheldon: Stuart?
    Stuart: Um... Hi. I’m Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I’m currently living in. And I guess what I’m hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower.
    Sheldon: It’s very nice, Stuart. Zack?
    Zack: I’m Zack, and I’m, uh... Uh... Could you come back to me? {...} Okay, I’m ready. I’m Zach, and I’m, uh... Oh, crap, why is this so hard?


& Bernadette: We just thought you might want to go out and have a good time, maybe go dancing.
    Penny: Oh. Gee, thanks, but I’m not really in the mood.
    Amy: You do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving that your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai.


& Zack: Anyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There’s no one around, so naturally, I’m free-balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me.
    Sheldon: Question. Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub?
    Barry Kripke: Really? That’s your question?
    Zack: What’s the difference?
    Sheldon: “Jacuzzi” is a commercial brand. “Hot tub” is the generic term.
    Zack: I.E., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis. Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?
    Sheldon: Surprisingly, yes.
    Zack: Nice... Now, what exactly are toes?
    Stuart: Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.
    Zack: Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice...
    Sheldon: The water level rose!


& Sheldon: Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting!
    Kripke: Does yours have wet breasts in it?
    Sheldon: Better. It has a gold crown.


& Zack: So, long story short, I nailed her.
    Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted “Eureka!”
    Zack: No, I always shout, “Holy moly!” Don’t know why. Just do.


& Priya: Sheldon is a bit quirky*, isn’t he?
    Howard: Oh, please. That crazy bastard’s looking at quirky in the rearview mirror.


& Penny: So, where do you guys want to go dancing?
    Bernadette: We were hoping you’d know a place.
    Amy: Yes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young, beautiful bodies sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh.


& Penny: What do you think?
    Amy: That should display enough of your bosom to attract a new mate, or a hungry infant.


& Penny: You know, for the first time in my life, I am not in a relationship, and I’m totally okay with it.
    Amy: You know, if being on your own is new to you, I’d be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies I’ve perfected over the years. For example, do you have an electric toothbrush?
    Penny: Um, no.
    Amy: You should get one.


& Penny: Oh, screw it. I can deal with a little self-loathing. Let’s go find me a heinie to bite.
    Amy: Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine “Gerard.”
    Bernadette: That’s kind of creepy.


& Sheldon: All my friends. All my friends. All my friends.
    Howard: I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.


& Raj: I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.
    Sheldon: Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?


Chuck Lorre Vanity Card # 333


--- Dict:
Neat — неразбавленный
cowl — капюшон; ряса
whimsical — причудливый; эксцентричный; капризный
needy = Requiring attention beyond what is normative.
quirky — причудливый


On Imdb.

Southland Tales (1/3)

10x 2 anashulick

& "This is the way the world ends.
     This is the way the world ends.
     This is the way the world ends.
     Not with a whimper... but with a bang.


& Krysta Now: You know what, I like to get fucked, I like to get fucked hard. Okay, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I mean, violence is a big problem in our society today and I will not support it. That is the primary reason why I won’t do anal.


& Fortunio Balducci: Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval*.


& Krysta Now: Go ahead and make fun of my prophecies all you want, Fortunio. But deep down inside, everyone wishes they were a porn star.
    Fortunio: Really?
    Krysta: We’re a bisexual nation living in denial, all because of a bunch of nerds, a bunch of nerds who got off a boat in the 15th century and decided that sex was something to be ashamed of. All the Pilgrims did was ruin the American Indian orgy of freedom.


& Pilot Abilene: Later that day, Krysta had a lunch meeting with adult film director Cyndi Pinziki.
    Krysta: Well, in my first six movies I was just “Krysta.” You know, but then in order to differentiate myself from the 76 other Krystas in the business, I added the “Now. ”
    Pinziki: Wow.
    Krysta: Well, it’s all about now, 2008, not next week, not tomorrow. If you want to fuck me, you can fuck me... now.
    Pinziki: Wow. So is that the name of your TV show? Now?
    Krysta: It’s a topical-discussion-chat-reality show. {...} Can you keep a secret?
    Pinziki: Of course.
    Krysta: I’m fucking a very large and important man.
    Pinziki: Wow.


& Ronald Taverner: There’s a delay in my reflection.
    Zora Charmichaels: Ronald? You just drugged and kidnapped an UPU2 officer. Okay, that’s against the law, sweetheart. Now, I need you to come out here and do this thing. You need to become a racist cop. Come on, honey. Let’s dry our tears and face our fears.


& Krysta Now: Scientists are saying the future is going to be far more futuristic than they originally predicted.

---

& Boxer Santaros: The basic concept is this... I play an LAPD cop who isn’t who he seems. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic who has a supernatural gift. He sees things.


& Santaros: My character, he realizes that the apocalyptic crime rate is because of global deceleration. The rotation of the Earth is slowing down at a rate of point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero six miles per hour each day, disrupting the chemical equilibrium in the human brain, causing very irrational criminal behavior.
    Roland: How does he stop the global deceleration?
    Santaros: Oh, he can’t stop it. There is no stopping what can’t be stopped. Only God... can stop it.
    Krysta: But The New York Times said: “God is dead.”
    Santaros: So in the end, I die in a very tragic downtown shootout while whispering my theory to Dr. Muriel Fox, the oceanography disaster specialist.
    Krysta: Astrophysicist!
    Santaros: The oceanography disaster specialist... sweetheart. My character... his name... is Jericho Kane.
    Roland: You’re going to have to wear a bulletproof vest.


& Santaros: Let me ask you, what goes through your head when you sit behind the wheel... cruising the streets, digesting humanity? Is it a process of elimination?
Each car that passes, the person inside... are they a mere suspect? Or are we all innocents, our chariots mere chess pieces waiting to be thrown from the gridlock and into the arms of the wolves?
    Ronald: Well, I’d say we act like concerned citizens. We look at all the people, all the cars. We look for any unusual or erratic behavior. Speed changes or lane changes that seem unsafe.
    Santaros: Yeah, but don’t you think emotions come into play? Judgment calls, affected by whatever mood you’re in on that particular day?.. Emotional responses based on your past events?..
    Ronald: Well, there is one thing.
    Santaros: I knew it! I knew it, tell me. Be honest.
    Ronald: To be honest... We’re just looking out for the niggers.
    Santaros: The niggers?!
    Ronald: Yeah. They’re everywhere.
    Santaros: You’re joking.
    Ronald: No, I’m not joking. ... I’m just fucking with you, man.
    Santaros: That’s a funny joke.


& Shoshana Cox: And the Supreme Court are a bunch of assholes that... who the fuck elected them anyway, right? I mean, they’re a bunch of supreme shit heads, right? Don’t tell me what to do with my body, you fuckstick, right?


& Shoshana: I have a question for the Supreme Court. What happens when a woman has sex on a flight from London to Los Angeles, then takes the morning-after pill while flying across the time zone?
    Krysta: I don’t know.
    Shoshana: Then it becomes the morning-before pill.
    Deena Storm: You are a genius.
    Krysta: Holy shit. That is brilliant.
    Shoshana: Hello. Can’t argue with that.


& Zora: Sometimes a dream can become a nightmare on the turn of a dime.


& Santaros: Do you ever feel like there’s a thousand people... locked inside of you?
    Ronald: Sometimes.
    Santaros: But it’s your memory that keeps them glued together. Keeps all those people from... fighting one another. Maybe in the end that’s all we have. The memory gospel.
    Ronald: Would you excuse me for a second?

Moby - Memory Gospel

& Dr. Katarina Kuntzler: We have read your screenplay. The Power.
    Santaros: How did you get a copy of my screenplay?
    Serpentine: Don’t look so scared, Mr. Santaros. The future... is just like you imagined.
    Dr. Inga Von Westphalen: This is the way the world ends. Not with a whimper...
    Kuntzler: ...But with a baaaang.



--- Dict:
upheaval — переворот; беспорядки; возмущение; бунт

In the middle

Glee 1x16

Home

Season 1, Episode 16

& Sue: Ladies, what we have here is a grade-A dilemma. Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team, but that look simply will not do. At first, I thought it was a subtle homage* to yours truly, but now I fear it’s some sort of ironic comment.
    Mercedes: Ms. Sylvester, I’m just not comfortable in those Cheerios! skirts. They don’t fit me right.
    Kurt: Mercedes, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about your body.
    Mercedes: Embarrassed? No, no. I’m worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.


& Finn: How are we supposed to practice for Regionals without the auditorium?
    Will: The Cheerios! need it to practice in. There’s nothing I can do.
    Rachel: I recommend a sit-in*.
    Noah: I recommend we torch* the place.


& Kurt: Mercedes... You have a week to lose ten pounds. That’s like having to lose one of my butt cheeks. {...} Look, Mercedes, now that we’re cheerleaders, we’re finally part of the in crowd. We have a place at the table. {...} Don’t screw it up.


& Brittany: I think my cat’s reading my diary.


& Mercedes: Hey, guys. Can I ask you something? How do you manage to stay so skinny?
    Santana: The Sue Sylvester Master Cleanse.
    Sue: Water, maple syrup for glucose, lemon for acid, cayenne pepper to irritate the bowels, and a dash of ipecac*, a vomiting agent. I haven’t had a solid meal since 1987.
    Brittany: Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand.
    Mercedes: That can’t be healthy.
    Santana: Who cares? You can either feel terrible and look great, or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here.

---

& Finn’s Mom: Why are you so upset? It’s not your bed.
    Finn: Don’t you have any feelings about it? It’s your and dad’s honeymoon set. I was conceived in that bed.
    Finn’s Mom: You were conceived on a pinball machine.


& Will: April, I really thought you were serious about getting sober.
    April: No. Don’t look so disappointed, Will. I mean, who are we kidding really? I’m nothing but a washed-up dreamer. It’s all I’ll ever be.


& April: So you’re free to date? And by date, I mean sleep with people. And by sleep with people, I mean have sex with people. People like me. Kidding. Not really. But listen to this.
    You’re looking for a subletter. I’m looking for a place to stay. One catch. I’m full-time fancy now, Will. I’m gonna want to check the place out. I’m gonna wanna check the fungshwung, or the fing-fong, or whatever they call it.
    Tell you what. I’m gonna go get myself a bikini wax, and I’m gonna see you tomorrow.


& Becky: I lost two pounds, Coach.
    Sue: Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully. Instead of being different and an outcast, you’re just like every other teenage girl in America... sadly obsessed with vanity*. Hey, before you know it, you’ll be leaving little baggies of upchuck* in your parents’ linen closet. Congrats. I’m proud of you, kid.


& Sue: You have four days to lose the weight, get yourself in a uniform, or you’re out.
    Mercedes: What am I gonna do?
    Sue: Well, you might try dropping the attitude. I’m sure there’s a pound or two in that. You know, with the Cheerios!, we have only one lesson, and it’s very simple lesson: You do whatever it takes.


& April: So I’m sobering up, and I’m heading to the Broadway, Will. I haven’t had a drink in 45 minutes. I’m going to take my hush money and I’m going to mount the first-ever all-white production of The Wiz.



--Dict:
homage — дань; уважение
sit-in — сидячая забастовка
torch — факел
ipecac — ипекакуана; рвотный корень
vanity — тщеславие; суета
upchuck — рвота


+ on Imdb.

Due Date (2/2)

In the beginning

& Peter: Now, if you’re gonna travel with me to Los Angeles... I gotta give you a couple guidelines. Number one: If you ask me a single question, I’m going to flip out on you. So don’t do that. Do you understand?
    Ethan: Somewhat, yes.
    Peter: If you fall asleep for any reason... other than the fact that you’re in a bed and it’s nighttime... I will disembowel* you. Make sense?
    Ethan: Somewhat.
    Peter: Great. If you’re allergic to waffles, don’t eat waffles.
    Ethan: Then don’t take me to a Waffle House.


& Peter: This is horrible. It tastes like cat litter.
    Ethan: I think it tastes delicious.
    Darryl: You should. I was all out, so I used the coffee you brought.
    Peter: Oh, boy. That’s his dad, it’s his dad.
    Darryl: Fine. I’ll buy some other coffee. I apologize. What’s the big deal?
    Peter: His dad is the coffee. He passed away and his remains were in the fucking can.
    Darryl: Get him the fuck out. The beard, the dog, get him out!
    Peter: I get it.
    Darryl: Get him out!
    Peter: I know. It took eight minutes, right?


& Peter: I’m sorry we drank your father.
    Ethan: It’s okay.
    Peter: Are you all right? Are you sure?
    Ethan: Yeah, there’s plenty of him still in here. Darryl only made three cups of coffee... and I think there’s about eight cups of my dad left in here.
    Peter: Great.
    Ethan: At least he tasted good.
    Peter: Not bad. Yeah, strong... He was full-flavored... Robust blend...
    Ethan: He really enjoyed coffee. And in the end, he was enjoyed as coffee. Kind of circle of life.
    Peter: Lion King. All that.

& Peter: This is some stuff. This window is not working.
    Ethan: No, I locked them so we could get a good clambake* going on in here. That way, Sonny could get stoned.
    Peter: Am I stoned?
    Ethan: Do you feel stoned?

Hey you! would you help me to carry the stone
Open your heart, I’m coming home
But it was only a fantasy
The wall was too high as you can see
No matter how he tried he could not break free
And the worms ate into his brain.

---

& Peter: Are we on the highway still?
    Ethan: Relax, Peter, I’ve got it covered.
    Peter: Are you certain?
    Ethan: You’re getting paranoid. That pot got to you.
    Peter: Okay. All right, you see the flag? It looks like a border crossing, it says “Mexico”...
    Ethan: Oh, Lord. Gosh. I thought that said Texaco. We’re low on gas.


& Border Guard: Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying?
    Ethan: No, I have glaucoma.
    Border Guard: What about your friend, does he have glaucoma too?
    Ethan: Answer the man. Do you have glaucoma? No, he doesn’t have glaucoma.
    Border Guard: What about the dog, does he have glaucoma? Because his eyes are glassy as fuck.


& Ethan: Hold on, Sonny, it’s about to get rough.


& Ethan: How many laws did we just break?
    Peter: I don’t know, 60?


& Peter: God, you looked crazy!
    Ethan: Yeah. Well, I’m in stealth mode. That’s why I got the scarf on my head.
    Peter: You were like a commando. You were a Comanche warrior.


& Ethan: Dad, you were like a father to me.


& Ethan: Well, there’s something I’ve been wanting to get off my chest too.
    Peter: Shoot.
    Ethan: I’m not really 23 years old.


& Peter: I’m sorry.
    Ethan: Fine. But in the future, when we’re hanging out as buddies... if we get into a fight, don’t go for my face. That’s how I make a living. Okay?


& Peter: No, it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen! Why’?!


& Ethan: I’m in shock!
    Peter: It burns!


& Ethan: Don’t panic! Don’t panic! Don’t panic!


& Peter: Let’s do a little acting exercise like we did at the rest stop in the bathroom, okay? You’re a sergeant, I’m just a grunt in your platoon... but you promised me that you’d get me home to my high-school sweetheart.
    Ethan: Okay.
    Peter: Action!


& Ethan: Peter.
    Peter: Yeah?
    Ethan: I puked on the wound.
    Peter: I know. It’s okay, buddy. I need you to drive, but we gotta go. Come on.
    Ethan: Get in the back seat, private. What are you, a girl or something?


& Ethan: Your son’s about to be born. What will you name him?
    Peter: I’ll know it when I see him.
    Ethan: How about “Sonny”?
    Peter: No. Not naming my son after a masturbating dog.
    Ethan: Don’t listen to him, Sonny. He loves you.


& Ethan: I have an expectant father and a gunshot victim.


& Ethan: See? Together we think of everything.


& Peter: Darryl. What the fuck?


& Sarah Highman: Who are you?
    Ethan: My name is Ethan Tremblay. I’m your husband’s best friend.
    Sarah: It’s nice to meet you.
    Ethan: Nice to meet you too. Let’s get that baby out of your vagina.


& Peter: It’s gotta be a good sign.


& Ethan: We should do it again. Go across country again.
    Peter: Okay. Sure.
    Ethan: Call me tomorrow about it.
    Peter: If I don’t...
    Ethan: Call me tomorrow about it.



-- Dict:
clambake is when you sit in a car with your friends and roll the windows up and smoke weed so that the entire car fills up with smoke and you get even higher.
disembowel — потрошить


+ on Imdb


! So sweet pair, those Ethan (aka Zach Galifianakis) & Peter (aka Robert Downey Jr.).

! OST's just great.

Mad Men 3x13

Shut the Door. Have a Seat

Season 3, Episode 13

& Don: So we’re all gone. {...}
    Hilton: ... This happens all the time, Don. It’s business. I’d ask them to put you on the Caribbean hotels, but I don’t think I’m gonna stay there much longer.
    Don: You come and go as you please.
    Hilton: Yes, I do.
    Don: And you don’t give a crap that my future is tied up in this mess because of you?
    Hilton: You wanted my account, and you were lucky to get it.
    Don: And you wanted to play with me. Kick me around, knock me down to size while you called me “son.” I get it now, Connie. It’s business.
    Hilton: You know, I got everything I have on my own. It’s made me immune to those who complain and cry because they can’t. I didn’t take you for one of them, Don. Are you? ... Some other time we’ll try again.
    Don: Yes.


& Cooper: Why do you care?
    Don: Because I’m sick of being batted around like a ping-pong ball. Who the hell is in charge? A bunch of accountants trying to make $1 into $1.10? I want to work. I want to build something of my own. How do you not understand that? You did it yourself 40 years ago.
    Cooper: That’s true. But I’m not sure you have a stomach for the realities.
    Don: Try me.


& Don: We have to talk to Roger now.
    Cooper: You talk to him.


& Don: I was wrong. I learned that with Hilton. I can sell ideas, but I’m not an account man.
    Roger: You’re not good at relationships, because you don’t value them.
    Don: I value my relationship with you.
    Roger: You do now.
    Don: I do.


& Don: I’m not gonna beg you.
    Peggy: Beg me?! You didn’t even ask me.
    Don: Fine, I’m asking you.
    Peggy: ... I’ve had other offers, you know, that came with a sales pitch about opportunity. Everyone thinks you do all my work. Even you. I don’t want to make a career out of being there so you can kick me when you fail.


& Pete: So Kenny turned you down?
    Cooper: We haven’t spoken to Ken yet. And yes, we want your accounts, but we also want your talent.
    Pete: Really? And what are my talents?
    Cooper: You’ll do what it takes.
    Pete: No. I want to hear it from him.
    Don: ... It’s not hard for me to say, Pete. You saw this coming. We didn’t. In fact, you’ve been ahead on a lot of things. Aeronautics, teenagers, the negro market... We need you to keep us looking forward. I do, anyway.


& Pete: I want to be a partner, and I want my name in the lobby.


& Pete: What if I come up short?
    Don: That’s not an option.


& Peggy: You look awful.


& Peggy: Do you want anything?
    Don: Yes, I do. You were right. I’ve taken you for granted and I’ve been hard on you, but only because I think I see you as an extension of myself. And you’re not.

---

& Don: Do you know why I don’t want to go to McCann?
    Peggy: Because you can’t work for anyone else?
    Don: No. Because there are people out there who buy things, people like you and me, and something happened. Something terrible. And the way that they saw themselves is gone. And nobody understands that. But you do. And that’s very valuable.


& Peggy: What if I say no? You’ll never speak to me again?
    Don: No. I will spend the rest of my life trying to hire you.


& Roger: Joanie, I can’t read your writing.
    Joan: It’s perfectly clear... “Correspondence.”
    Roger: Oh, I’m tired. Peggy, can you get me some coffee?
    Peggy: No.


& Joan: So let’s see. I have Peggy and Pete sharing the desk. Don, we’ll replace one of these couches with a table for you, and we’re adding two additional phone lines. Media will be in the bedroom with the television. Accounts gets the bed. And no one is to come to this office. If you have meetings, please take them elsewhere. I don’t want them in the lobby or the bar of this hotel. ... Well, look at that. Good morning. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. How may I help you?


& Roger: You know, if you leave your shoes outside the door here, somebody polishes them.


& Roger: Hello, Don. How was your morning?
    Don: Very productive.

On Imdb


Mad Men @ it’s best. And all the team is all together again.

And this was the

End of Season 3

Due Date (1/2)

& Ethan Tremblay (Chase): Sorry about my friend. He’s been drinking.
    Peter Highman: You smell boozy too. Drinking and driving together?
    Ethan: Well, we haven’t been drinking. I mean, we split a six-pack o 40’s. But... You know what? My father always had a saying: When a day starts like this, it’s all uphill from here.
    Peter: That’s actually incorrect.
    Ethan: My dad used to say it.
    Peter: No, it’s all downhill from here.
    Ethan: Everybody wants to be up. Nobody wants to be down.
    Peter: It’s easier as you go down. So your father didn’t know what he was talking about.


& Peter: I have a pregnant wife, I have to get back. This is a huge misunderstanding. What am I supposed to do?
    TSA Agent: Have you ever seen Forrest Gump?
    Peter: Yes.
    TSA Agent: Well, he ran across country, and he was pretty stupid. So I have faith in you. ... You’re free to leave.


& Ethan: Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot. But I have a really great personality once you get to know me.
    Peter: Yeah, I’m sure you do.
    Ethan: I got 90 friends on Facebook. Twelve pending, but I got 90 friends.


& Ethan: My name’s Ethan. Ethan Trembling. And this little guy... this little butterball... this is Sonny. And we would be honored to have you ride with us. Come on. It’ll be fun. ... JK. LOL. HI. “Hop in.” Life’s weird, isn’t it? Buckle up*.


& Ethan: You have any brothers or sisters?
    Peter: No.
    Ethan: You have a dog?
    Peter: Nope.
    Ethan: What’s your favorite color?
    Peter: Blue.
    Ethan: That’s so cool. Mine’s green.


& Ethan: Do you like hot dogs?
    Peter: Yes, I do.
    Ethan: I’m more of a corn-dog man, myself. I once ate a foot-long corn dog on a nude beach. I’ll never do that again.


& Ethan (about Sonny): He thinks he’s human. So stupid.

---

& Peter: You mean your weed?
    Ethan: It’s medical marijuana, Peter.
    Peter: No, it’s weed.
    Ethan: Why do you make everything so dark?
    Peter: It’s weed. I’m saying I really don’t want to stop and buy drugs. Is that okay?
    Ethan: I didn’t want to play this card, certainly not this early. But guess what. Guess who’s got the Subaru Impreza. Me. Guess who’s got all the money. Me. Guess who’s got a winning personality. Me. What do you have? You have a nice hairline, fine. You have a strong jaw, fine. But I gotta tell you something, mister. Your personality needs some work.


& Peter: What were you thinking when you spent almost all of our money on drugs?!
    Ethan: I don’t think in those terms.
    Peter: What terms do you think in?
    Ethan: I’m not an accountant. I’m not even Jewish.


& Peter: Can I tell you something? Honestly, it’s my fault. I’m just having a bad day.
    Western Union Agent: You had a bad day?
    Peter: Yeah.
    WU Agent: It’s about to get a whole lot worse.


& Peter: What’s that sound?
    Ethan: What sound?
    Peter: Mm. No, it stopped. Okay, it’s back.
    Ethan: That’s me. I’m just masturbating.
    Peter: What?! Why?!
    Ethan: This is how I go to sleep.
    Peter: Oh, don’t, don’t, don’t! Come on, dude. I’m right here next to you.
    Ethan: Just shut your eyes, Peter.
    Peter: They’re closed. The sound.
    Ethan: Just bear with me.

& Peter: How long is this gonna take?
    Ethan: Ugh! If you keep interrupting me it’s gonna take a little longer... but it usually just takes about 35 minutes. Is that all?
    Peter: Your fucking dog’s doing it too.
    Ethan: Sonny! Stop! Sonny, no. Stop. Good boy.


& Peter: You have a nice shower?
    Ethan: Yes, excellent. You know, rest areas have the nicest showers. The nicest showers.


& Ethan: This coffee’s hot.
    Peter: It’s hot coffee.
    Ethan: Whoo!


& Ethan: Have we crossed the Mississippi River?
    Peter: We’re in Texas. The Mississippi River was the river we crossed in Mississippi.
    Ethan: That’s too bad. Would have been a great sendoff for my papa. Put his ashes in the old river. Let the ashes float down to New Orleans, you know? Spend Mardi Gras there. Nothing he loved more than jazz music... and women's titties.


& Ethan: Did I snore last night?
    Peter: Mm-hm.
    Ethan: Sorry. I’m a deep sleeper. It’s a condition. You know when they say, “That guy could sleep through an earthquake”? I’ve actually slept through an earthquake. I also fell asleep during a job interview at Bank of America.
    Peter: I didn’t sleep last night. I’m gonna try now.
    Ethan: You should have masturbated... because I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby.



Buckle up = to fasten a strap that holds you in your seat in a vehicle or aircraft.

In the ending

Glee 1x15

The Power of Madonna

Season 1, Episode 15

& Sue: “Madonna.” Simply saying the word aloud makes me feel powerful. Even in voice-over, how I have worshipped her ever since I was a little girl. Sorry, Angie Jolie, Catherine the Great... Madonna is the most powerful woman to ever walk the face of the Earth.


& Sue: What does your bracelet say?
    Santana: “W.W.M.D.” “What would Madonna do?”
    Sue: Well, the answer to that question is usually date a younger man.


& Rachel: Can I ask you guys something private?
    Santana: Yes, you should move to Israel.


& Quinn: Would you please stop talking? You’re grossing out* my baby.


& Emma: Oh, um, that’s a hot-button* topic, isn’t it? I mean, when to do that. This is the perfect chat to have with your mom.
    Rachel: I have two gay dads.
    Emma: Right, right... you, um... How about your rabbi?


& Sue: You think this is hard?! I’m passing a gallstone* as we speak! That’s hard!


& Please sit down.
    Sue: No.
    Emma: O-okay. Um, I was just wondering why Madonna’s playing everywhere except my office.
    Sue: Well, it’s simple, Arlene. You don’t deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your, uh, intercom disconnected.

---

& Will: What comes to mind when you see that name?
    Rachel: Genius.
    Kurt: Icon.
    Noah: Hall of Fame MILF.


& Finn 2 Santana: Hey, uh, so, that offer of yours uh, to lose... the big V... Mm-hmm... I’m in.


& Emma: ...it struck me that the Big Mo is always in control of everything. Her life is her own. ... So I need to take control of myself and my body, just like Madonna. Which is why... I’m planning on doing the nasty with you tonight at your place. Foreplay shall begin at 7:30 sharp. So, what do you think? Not that it matters.


& Kurt: I’m gay. She’s black. We make culture.



--Dict:
grossing out — The act of brossing someone out through mental or physical imagry.
hot-button — болевой
gallstone — желчный камень


+ on Imdb.

__ This's all so Madonna-y episode.

Mad Men 3x12

The Grown-Ups

Season 3, Episode 12

& Rachel: I’ve got your hot cocoa.
    Pete: ... It’s instant.
    Rachel: It’s from the diner. I don’t know how you can tell.
    Pete: You can tell because they use water instead of milk.


& Pete: Really? What is it based on? Our billings are neck and neck.
    Pryce: It’s become apparent that you are excellent at making the clients feel their needs are being met, but Mr. Cosgrove has the rare gift of making them feel as if they haven’t any needs.
    Pete: I see. ... I hope this was a difficult decision.
    Pryce: It was.


& Peggy: Duck’s not married.
    Allison: Oh. Then why are you with him...


& — What are you doing?! They shot the president.


& Don: Where’s your mother?
    Sally: She’s not feeling well.
    Betty: I can’t stop crying.
    Don: Why are the kids watching this?

---

& Pete: I don’t understand this. And here we are... Lyndon Johnson, more of the same. Nobody voted for him. It felt for a second like everything was about to change.
    Trudy: You should get your coat and your scarf. {...}
    Pete: Why are we going?
    Trudy: Because it’s your boss’s daughter’s wedding. It’s business, Pete, and there a system. You always say that.
    Pete: It’s one thing to go to this wedding and act like I don’t hate them. It’s another thing to go and act like the President hasn’t been murdered.
    Trudy: Maybe they’ll cancel it, but we have to show.


& Crane: Did you see “The Times”? He lived in Russia.
    Cosgrove: I thought he just visited.
    Crane: Would you visit?


& Don: Everything’s gonna be fine.
    Betty: How do you know that?
    Don: You’ll see.


& — Clearers are pushing. There is Lee Oswald. ... He’s been shot.
    Betty: Oh my god! Oh my god.
    Don: What happened?
    Betty: Lee Oswald has been shot. They shot him.
    Don: What?!
    Betty: What is going on?! ... Don, please leave me alone.


& Betty: What is going on?
    Henry: It will be okay. We’ve lost a lot of presidents and we’re still standing.


& Henry: You’ll know that I can make you happy.


& Betty: But I don’t love you anymore. I know that. I kissed you yesterday. And I didn’t feel a thing.

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more?

On Imdb

127 Hours

& Aron Ralston: The guide book says that the route’s through here. But I know a better way. The cool way. Guaranteed, best time you can have with your clothes on. Although, it’s better with your clothes off.


& Megan: Jesus! What if these things move?
    Kristi: They’ve been here for millions of years. They’re not gonna move.
    Aron: Sure they will!
    Megan: What?!
    Aron: Everything is moving all the time. Let’s just hope not today!


& Aron: Every morning at 9:30. I get fifteen minutes of sunlight. Really nice.


& Aron: Listen. Don’t buy the cheap made-in-China multi-tool. I tried to find my Swiss Army knife, but... This thing came free with a flashlight. The flashlight was a piece of shit too. I kept it in my truck for emergencies. Not that I’m blaming you, mom. It was a... perfectly great stocking stuffer. There is no way you could have known that I’d get in this kind of trouble.

---

& Aron: Good morning everyone! It is seven o’clock here, in Canyonlands, U.S.A. And this morning, on the boulder, we have a very special guest, self-proclaimed American super hero... Aron Ralston! Let’s hear it for Aron!


& Aron: Aron, from Loser Canyon, Utah, how do you know so much?
    Aron: Well, I’ll tell you how I know so much. I volunteer for the rescue service. You see, I’m some kind of a... well, a big fucking heart hero. And I can do everything on my own, you see?
    Aron: I do see! Now... Is it true that despite, or maybe because you’re a big fucking heart hero, you didn’t tell anyone where you were going?
    Aron: Yeah, that’s absolutely correct.


& Aron: Mom, dad, I just wanna take this time to tell you that the time we spent together was awesome. And I haven’t appreciated you in my heart as I know that I could. Mom, I love you. And I wish that I had returned all your calls, ever. I love you, guys. And I’ll always be with you.


& Aron: This is no Slurpee. It’s like a bag of piss.


& Aron: This rock... This rock has been waiting for me my entire life. I hate this rock! In it’s entire life. Ever since it was a bit of meteorite. A million billion years ago. Up there in space. It’s been waiting... to come here. Right, right here. I’ve been moving towards it my hole life. The minute I was born every breath I’ve taken, every action has been leading me to this crack on the out surface.


& — You should stop and rest.
    Aron: No, I better keep going.


& Aron ... always leaves a note to say where he has gone.



+ on Imdb.


__ Не ходите, дети, в Африку гулять. Поодиночке.

) Martha Masters )

8O Пила легче смотрится, чем такой байопик.

Skins 1x6

Maxxie and Anwar

Season 1, Episode 6

& Maxxie: You gonna be this horny the whole trip?
    Anwar: Just wait till we get there. Oh, man. Those Russian peasant babes will do anything for some Levi’s and a Big Mac!


& Tom: We’re gonna work hard, understanding the culture and history of Mokshovkov in the Mordovian Republic of the Russian Federation. OK? We’re gonna see the real Russia, yeah? The wild and desolate land that Napoleon and Hitler failed to tame. This is adventure, yeah? This is living, breathing history. Who’s with me? ... Thank you, sir. I was addressing history students only.


& Anwar: Now what?
    Angie: Just walk on.
    Anwar: I’m trying — they just look so disappointed I’m not a terrorist.
    Tony: Well, you’re a very dull Muslim, Anwar. Very dull indeed.


& Tom: Dobry den. Ya, Tom Barkley. And you are...
    Kovskaya: Irene Kovskaya. Translator. Come! I lock you in!


& Anwar: Wank or tell group? Wank or tell group? Ah, tell group!


& Maxxie: What the fuck?
    Anwar: What?
    Maxxie: “Bad mood — comfy jim jams”?
    Anwar: What? You try arguing with a 45-year-old Pakistani woman, then...


& Maxxie: We’re going out on the pull.
    Anwar: Make sure you don’t bring anyone back.
    Maxxie: Huh?
    Anwar: We are sharing a room Max, yeah. I don’t wanna have to pretend to be asleep while you’re doing whatever you do with some big Cossack guy.


& Maxxie: Well, have you ever tried being with a man?
    Anwar: No! Don’t be sick.
    Maxxie: You calling me sick?
    Anwar: No! I dunno what I think, yeah. I’m just a Muslim. Gay’s... just wrong.

---

& Maxxie: You fucking prick. I can’t believe you’re putting that Muslim bullshit on me!
    Anwar: What?
    Maxxie: I’m against God? You’re the fucking worst Muslim!
    Anwar: I pray five times a day.
    Maxxie: For what?.. More pork chops? Fuck it. Let’s get a drink. Of course Allah wants you doing Class As from Sid’s arse!
    Anwar: You’re talking about my religion!
    Maxxie: How was I ever friends with a fucking hypocrite? Happy fucking Ramadan.
    Anwar: It’s not Ramadan!


& Mrs. Rynkowski: What is problem?
    Maxxie: You won’t understand. I mean, you can’t even speak English.
    Mrs. Rynkowski: No problem! Vodka! Now, you tell me problem. We drink and problem kaput, da? Na zdoroviye!


& Angie: Chris, this... was a one-off. I don’t have sex with my 17-year-old students.
    Chris: How old are they normally?


& Anwar: Ummm... me... name... Anwar.
    Anka: Me... name... Anka.
    Anwar: If only you knew the things I’d love to do to you... Rub my fingers through your hair... Kiss your lips... Kiss your neck. Come on your tits.
    Anka: Sounds like fun.
    Anwar: You speak English?!?!
    Anka: Ya-hah!


& Anwar: You were right, Max. I am a hypocrite.
    Maxxie: Go on.
    Anwar: No. I can’t. It’s not right.
    Maxxie: It’s religion, Anwar. It’s just stuff. You don’t have to believe in it.
    Anwar: Then where does that leave me, Max? I’m a Muslim boy. I don’t get to choose.
    Maxxie: But where does that leave us?



+ on Imdb.

Фред Сейберхэген — Человек-Берсеркер

Берсеркер — 4

  “— Ну, — нахмурившись, подумала Элли Темесвар, — мы хорошо сражались, даже лучше, чем ожидали, если учесть, какой у нас маленький корабль для подобных сражений. ...

&  Правда... Ее следует подавать осторожно, когда для того придет время.

&  Выбирать – это лучшее, что мы можем сделать?

&  В конце концов именно боль свидетельствовала о том, что реальность существует.

---

&  – Зачем вам это нужно? Зачем? Потому что хотите получить назад вашу новую систему вооружения?
    – Идет война. Этим все и объясняется, Кармен! Потом Тупелоф решил, что мог бы найти другие слова для женщины. Но не нашел.

  ... По своей доброй воле, по желанию души, сотворенной людьми и не людьми, Микель Джеулинкс занял свое место...”

Планета берсеркера (Берсеркер—3)

Заклятый враг (Берсеркер—5)

Skins 1x5

Sid

Season 1, Episode 5

& Teacher Tom: So... 2,000 words on Lech Walesa, Solidarity and the collapse of Soviet power. You’ve got two days. Get your head down.
    Mark, Sid’s father: Jesus Christ! You better fucking believe he’s getting his head down. You can say goodbye to sunshine, Sunshine. You are grounded. Oh, yes, my boy! We’re going to do this my way now! You hear me? The gravy train has terminated! Terminated! You lazy little fucker.


& Cassie: Hi. Wow, Maxxie, you look all horny.
    Maxxie: You can tell?


& Mark: Right, you have been warned! Oh, yes, I warned you! This is what happens. No telly. No stereo. No... Asian Fanny Fun. That should be enough to help you concentrate. Is it?!


& Sid: Ah, yeah. That’s better. Oh, yeah. Ah, yeah.
    Tony: ...... I’m just gonna go out and come back in again. OK?


& Tony: Hello. It’s Tony! All right, Sid? Thought you might need a hand. With your coursework. Shall we let some air in here? ... That’s better. Is that a picture of my girlfriend?


& Mark: ...look, actually, er, Sid’s got some work to do now, so...
    Tony: OK. Hope to see you very soon, Sid. Nice to see you, Mark. Bye, Liz! Bye, Tony!
    Sid: What?
    Mark: Why could you not be like... Why did I?..

Yeah Yeah Yeahs — Date With The Night

---

& Chris: Where’s Tony?
    Michelle: I don’t know. Fuck! We’d better be at the right concert.
    Sid: No, it’s definitely here.


& Chris: Beach Boys, man. Fucking top!


& Michelle: What the fuck?
    Tony: Hi. Just checking Abi’s diaphragm contractions.


& Abi: Well... Michelle. I’m just wondering why you’re overreacting like this.
    Michelle: Overreacting?! Right in my face, you whore!
    Abi: You know, typically, episodes of paranoia might be symptomatic of a wide range of emotional and mental issues. Maybe, you know, you need some help with the outbursts. My mother’s a psychologist, she could... Oh! Ow! I’ll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cocksucking spastic horse-fucker!
    Sid: Woah, good swearing.


& Tony: Go after her.
    Sid: What?
    Tony: Life throws up so few opportunities...
    Sid: But she’s your girlfriend.
    Tony: ...who you love. Change. It’s a wonderful thing. Look, you know how subatomic particles don’t obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence... They run into each other in the middle of the universe, and, bang! Energy. We’re the same as that. That’s the great thing about the universe. Unpredictable. That’s why it’s so much fun.
    Sid: ........ I’m... just gonna go see if she’s OK, all right?
    Tony: Sid. Bang!


& Sid: Michelle would never... never fuck a horse.


& Mark: Where the fuck have you been!!?
    Sid: Dad, I just nipped to the shops.
    Mark: For three hours?
    Sid: I got lost.


& Mark: Did you think we wouldn’t know? Did you actually think that we wouldn’t know?!
    Sid: Dad, you’re such a...
    Mark: Such a what? Such a... Such a what? Such a fucking what? Such a fucking what?!
    Sid: Dildo.


& Cassie: It’s your choice, Sid. Everything is your choice. Wake up, Sid.
    Sid: Bollocks.


& Sid’s Mom: I want you to make more of an effort with your dad in general. He’s a good guy.
    Sid: He doesn’t act like one.
    Mom: Not recently, no.

The New York Fund — The Guns Of Camden Town

& Chris: Yo! Last night, man. Cool. Total blast. Everything you could want from an evening. Songs, choirgirls, colourful costumes, fellatio... Rabbits...


& Tom: Sooo... Coursework? ... Sid, there are people here you can talk to. I am here for you. We can sort this out. I’m all ears. Come on.
    Sid: What? We can sort out the fact that my best mate wants me to make move on his girlfriend, who I love, even though she still loves him and now actually hates me? My Dad thinks I’m a complete fuck-up, and can’t stop acting like a fuck-up and no matter what I try, I can’t stop pissing everyone off? We can sort that out, can we?
    Tom: OK. OK, yeah. Give me a moment to, um... Life, Sid. There are lots of ups and downs, OK? It is like a... It’s like a... bird, flying. Find your wings, Sid. Right. And do your fucking coursework. Otherwise you’re fucked.
    Sid: Yeah. Thanks, Tom. That sorts it.
    Tom: Pas de probleme, Sidney. So see you tomorrow.


& Tony: Your mistake, my friend, was making your move too quickly.
    Sid: What?
    Tony: Yes, grasshopper. Sensei say that boy must wait 12 hours before he approach girl on rebound.


& Sid: I love you.
    Michelle: Huh?
    Sid: Nothing.


& Doctor: You need to be relatives. Are you family?
    Sid: No.
    Jal: Yes, I’m her sister.
    Sid: Right. Is he your brother?
    Jal: No. He’s not.


+ on Imdb.


! Drop dead OST.

Love and Other Drugs (2/2)

In the beginning

& Maggie: First you bring food, and then you wanna spend the night, and then you bring a change of clothes, and then you bring a razor and, oh, my God, it’s a relationship. I don’t want a relationship.


& Depressed people, Randall, they’re depressed every day.


& Jamie: So, I hear we’re coming outwith a new sex drug. Is it true?
    Bruce: Where did you hear that?
    Jamie: Heard it around. Sildenafil citrate. It’s a PDE-5 inhibitor. They lucked into it during trials for blood pressure medication. Guys had massive boners the whole time.
    Bruce: Where did you hear that?
    Jamie: What’s it called?
    Bruce: Viagra.
    Jamie: I want it.
    Bruce: Everybody wants it.


& Party-girl 2 Josh: Hey. What do you say we blow this joint, and then each other? {...}
    Josh: Farrah looks at my dick like it’s the Eye of Sauron.


& Josh: You hate women. Why else would you screw so many of them?


& Jamie: Men with diabetes, men with prostate cancer, men with massive penile injuries. Men with performance anxiety, men with any common form of impotence or sexual dysfunction. Men without a useful erection in years! Boing! Minimum side effects, long-term safety. This isn’t a pill. This is a revolution. Questions?
    People: Yeah! Where are the samples?


& Josh: The dick drug! That’s my brother’s!


& Dr. Goldstein: Jamie! Jamie! Hey! Ted Goldstein, ENT.
    Jamie: Oh, Ted, hi. How are you?
    Dr. Goldstein: I’m good. Look, I got this friend, he’s a radiologist. He has a little problem. I thought maybe...
    Jamie: Say no more. You’re a gem.


& Bruce: Viagra is the first-ever pill to treat impotence. It’s easy, it’s effective, and it’s now wildly in demand. Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth. Oncologists are writing it, shrinks are writing it, gastroenterologists are writing it. Pediatricians are writing it for themselves! I mean, pharmacies could stay open 24 hours and they still couldn’t meet the demand.


& Maggie: Tell me four good things about yourself.

---

& Jamie: I love you. I can’t stop saying it.
    Maggie: You don’t... Just stop saying that, okay?
    Jamie: I can’t. I love you. You don’t understand. I’ve never said that to anyone before.
    Maggie: You’ve never said “I love you”?
    Jamie: No.
    Maggie: You never said it to your parents?
    Jamie: No.
    Maggie: You never said it to your brother?
    Jamie: Ugh!
    Maggie: Jesus, you’re more fucked up than I am.
    Jamie: I once said it to a cat.
    Maggie: Okay, that makes me feel better.


& Jamie: Joshie! That is disgusting.
    Josh: Jamie, I didn’t know you were coming home! Listen, it’s not what it looks like, okay?
    Jamie: Well, it kind of is, but...
    Josh: Okay, just chill.
    Jamie: Yeah, chill. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I just caught my brother masturbating while watching me have sex.
    Josh: Well, I was focusing on her.
    Jamie: Oh, “her.”! You mean my girlfriend!
    Josh: I’m sorry. No. Not on her! On her body parts! Does video make everything look bigger? Because I didn’t think her tits were that big. Then I saw you, and I was like, “What, did an anaconda get loose on the bed?”
    Jamie: This is so twisted.
    Josh: Do you think Dad’s big? I mean, he was when we were kids, but then everything’s bigger when you’re a kid, right?


& Jerry: Parkinson’s, right?
    Jamie: Oh, no. No!
    Jerry: No, your wife.
    Jamie: Girlfriend. Stage One.
    Jerry: Good days and bad days, huh?
    Jamie: Mostly good days. You?
    Jerry: Wife. Since ’73. Stage Four.
    Jamie: You got any advice?
    Jerry: You don’t need my advice.
    Jamie: Come on. I’m very trainable.
    Jerry: My advice is to go upstairs, pack your bags, and leave a nice note. Find yourself a healthy woman. I love my wife. I do. But I wouldn’t do it over again. The thing nobody tells you, this disease will steal everything you love in her. Her body, her smile, her mind. Sooner or later, she’ll lose motor control. Eventually, she won’t even be able to dress herself. Then, the fun really begins. Cleaning up her shit. Frozen face. Dementia. It’s not a disease, it’s a Russian novel.


& Maggie: I’m tired and I’m bored.
    Jamie: What are you bored of?
    Maggie: Parkinson’s isn’t my life! I have Parkinson’s. Why can’t I just live my life instead of becoming this project?


& Dr. Stan Knight: How the fuck am I supposed to do good medicine on 50 patients a day? Plus rounds. And phone calls every day with family... Fucking idiots, telling you, “No, you’re wrong,” because they looked it up on the Internet. I fight over billing, I fight over prescription coverage. The insurance companies are dedicated to not paying you. And the big law firms, man, they’re just waiting. They’re just betting you’re going to make that one big mistake. This profession for me, it was a higher calling. You know? Make people’s lives better. And look at me...


& Viagra Receptionist: Can I help you?
    Jamie: I’m having ’a drug’ reaction.
    Viagra Receptionist: What kind of drug reaction?.. Oh. Oh. Just take a seat and we’ll be right with you.


& Bruce: I got a big raise, buddy. Big raise.
    Jamie: You’re kidding me.
    Bruce: Thanks to you! Those bastards. Buddy, I was never going to get Chicago. I’m too valuable to them in the field.
    Jamie: I can’t believe this.
    Bruce: Give me some credit! It takes a sophisticated eye to spot talent in colossal fuck-ups such as yourself.
    Jamie: I don’t understand.
    Bruce: Don’t be so naive. I didn’t actually want to go to Chicago. I wanted you to think I wanted to go to Chicago, so you’d want to go to Chicago. So you’d work your ass off to get there.
    Jamie: Oh, Bruce, this is unbelievable.
    Bruce: Me, I love the road! I love a stinky motel! I love the barren back roads and strip malls of the heartland! That’s what I love. Why would I want to live in my own house? That I pay for? Why would I want to watch my kids play Little League? Why the fuck would I want to sleep in the same bed as my wife? Why the fuck would I wanna do that?


& Jamie: I’m full of shit, okay? No, I’m knowingly full of shit. Because... Because... I have... I have never cared about anybody, or anything, in my entire life. And the thing is, everybody just kind of accepted that. Like, “That’s just Jamie!” And then you... Jesus. You. You didn’t see me that way. I have never known anyone who actually believed that I was enough. Until I met you. And then you made me believe it, too. So, unfortunately, I need you. And you need me.
    Maggie: No, I don’t.
    Jamie: Yes, you do. {...} You need someone to take care of you.
    Maggie: No, I don’t.
    Jamie: Everybody does. {...} Hey, let’s just say in some alternate universe, there’s a couple that’s just like us, okay? Only she’s healthy and he’s perfect. And their world is about how much money that they’re gonna spend on vacation, or who’s in a bad mood that day, or whether they feel guilty about having a cleaning lady. I don’t want to be those people. I want us.

Fidelity by Regina Spektor

& Jamie: Sometimes the things you want the most don’t happen and what you least expect happens. {...} I don’t know — you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet that one person and your life is changed.


+ on Imdb

House M.D. 7x13

Two Stories

Season 7, Episode 13

& House: Who put sand in her vagina?


& Timmy Morgan: You're lying.
    House: Interesting theory. Can you prove it?
    Timmy: Doctors don't carry guns. They don't shoot people, and they definitely don't search patients' homes. Plus, I've seen Pulp Fiction... the movie you're totally ripping off.
    House: Huh.


& Zack: Why are you here?
    House: To dig myself out of a hole. Instead I dug a bigger one.


& Sophie: Why would they hide something that could be killing them?
    House: Because they are morons. They're all morons, and everybody lies.
    Gabe: Wait, if everybody lies, then that means you're lying right now.
    House: I didn't say everybody always lies... Aristotle.


& Teacher: Oh, Dr. Hourani... Before you finish, maybe you could describe what you actually do. You know, like if someone comes in for a routine physical?
    House: You want routine? Please.
    Patient: It just feels kind of, like, numb.
    House: You do a lot of bicycle riding?
    Patient: No.
    House: How long have you been married?
    Patient: It's 12 years next month.
    House: You have six kids.
    Patient: Mm-hmm. Well, you don't think it could have anything to do with that, do you?
    House: Probably. How often do you use your vibrator?
    Patient: Excuse me?
    House: Your battery-operated Brad Pitt. After giving the gift of life to six eight-pound, four-ounce wrecking balls, I think I can safely assume it's an industrial-strength model?
    Teacher: Dr. Hourani, please!
    House: You wanted routine.


& House: Just in time for lunch.
    Cuddy: By lunch, you mean a conference call with the board, and by just in time, you mean, 20 minutes late.
    House: I meant sex... By lunch. How about we start with a small tossed salad?
    Cuddy: As of this morning, I'm on a diet.


& House: ... So that's what a typical doctor does on a typical day. Any questions?
    Alex: What's a vibrator?

---

& Colleen: Why was your girlfriend so mad?
    House: It doesn't matter.
    Colleen: Well, obviously it matters. I mean, if she's your girlfriend, you should care how she feels.
    House: I mean, it doesn't matter to the story.
    Colleen: It's the most important part of the story. It's the only thing that does matter.


& Chase: You're new, aren't you?
    New nurse: Uh, yeah, I just moved from Chicago.
    Taub: Chicago's awesome. What part are you from?
    Martha: We need to get a chest C.T.
    Foreman: Excuse me, I'm the senior team member, which means we don't need anything unless I say we need it.
    Taub: Do you want to have an affair?
    Chase: You want to have a threesome?
    Martha: You can't talk to her like that. I'm telling Cuddy.
    Foreman: We need a chest C.T.
    Taub & Chase: Get it yourself.
    Sophie: Isn't that, like, sexual harassment?
    House: Not if you're good-looking.
    Female Lawyer: Excuse me?
    Gabe: You said the one guy was short with a big nose.
    House: Guess that's not the only thing that's big.
    Alex: What does that mean?
    Gabe: It means he's lying... again.


& House: Because you can't handle the truth!
    Timmy: That's so easy. A Few Good Men.


& Teacher: Okay, I give up. I think we should move on to our next guest. Mr. Dryden... Uh, works for one of the largest advertising agencies in New York City...
    Pupils Boring! Boring!


& Martha: What is that?
    Chase: I think it's his... It's his lung.
    Gabe: That actually happened?
    House: Yes, it really happened. I take cases that other doctors fail to diagnose, which is why I only take one at a time.


& Gabe: So you really did force his roommate to hack into the laptop?
    House: Why would I lie?
    Alex: But whose laptop is it?
    Sophie: It's your girlfriend's, isn't it?
    House: She's not my girlfriend. I'm just interested in her because she's a client, and she sleeps above her covers... four feet above her covers.
What?
    Timmy: Ghostbusters.


& Colleen: So that's why she's so mad... you looked through her computer?
    House: No, that part happened after she got mad. First she got mad. Then I stole her computer to fix things. And then we got the case.
    Zack: Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?
    House: Well, when you say it like that... Yes.
    Colleen: Looks like you're the moron.


& Taub: I can also get three sets of golf clubs in there.
    House: No way.
    Timmy: You didn't get her laptop by blowing down the door of her office. That's from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.
    House: Just seeing if you're still paying attention. It was actually more subtle.
    Timmy: The Thomas Crown Affair... the Steve McQueen version.


& Some student's Mother: You poisoned a room full of patients so you could steal your girlfriend's laptop?
    House: I didn't poison anybody. I spilled some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor, thinking the stench would clear the place out. But instead of breathing through his nose, some idiot decided to hold his breath. He passes out, and before I know it, the place is a perfect storm of mass hysteria... Although it worked out just as well. They're morons.


& House: I know why she's mad. What I need to know is how to make her un-mad. And step one is gaining access to the journal on her laptop, where she records her innermost thoughts... Instead of just watching porn with me. Oh, grow up. If porn was bad, why would there be so many nuns in it?


& Sophie: That can't be true.
    House: Why not?
    Sophie: 'Cause if he was dying... I mean, you're a doctor.
    House: Patients die every day. Not all of them are interesting.


& House: She was mad because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing.
    Colleen: So she's mad 'cause she's a girl.
    House: And now she's mad because she's programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing.


& Cuddy: Would you please just use the toothbrush I bought you?
    House: Would you please just shut up and watch the movie? ... I said, "please."


& Dr. Hourani: Get the hell out of here!
    House: Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy'll never look for me. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
    Dr. Hourani: Well, I can tell you, what you're about to find is my foot in your ass.
    House: I don't think we've got enough lotion for that.


& Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.
    Colleen: That's what I said. You don't listen to her.
    House: You didn't say that.
    Colleen: Yes, I did.
    House: Well, I wasn't listening, then.


& Principal Fields: Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?
    House: Is there a third option?


& Principal Fields: Maybe it's time you grew up. Dr. House... Is there anything you'd like to say?
    House: ........ Can I be excused?



On Imdb

Love and Other Drugs (1/2)

& Josh: I already justified my laziness. It’s called $35 million on my first IPO.


& Josh: The profession was ruined when they let women in.


& Farrah: Jamie, what are you up to these days?
    Josh: Jamie’s selling high-end stereo equipment.


& Josh: Remember Timmy, my roommate from Brown? He’s a VP at Pfizer. So I said to Jamie, “Jamie, if you suck on my cock, I’ll get you an interview.”
    Mom: Oh, Josh, watch your mouth!
    Dad: Watch your mouth!
    Josh: I said no, Mom. I said no!


& Josh: Oh, Jamie, if you could make money fucking, you’d be even richer than me.


& — Your job will be to go share this technology.
    — Your job will be to go save lives.
    — The health care industry today is worth $2 trillion a year. The top 10 pharma companies make more money than all 490 of the other Fortune 500 companies combined.


& Bruce Winston: What are you thinking about?
    Jamie: Money.
    Bruce: Pay attention.


& Bruce: We are not going door-to-door selling oatmeal cookies for the Girl Scouts here. You are not the goddamn Avon lady. You understand what I’m saying? This is hardcore sales, and you have a quota. And people at the home office keeping track of that quota. And your cold calls, and your mileage, and your receipts. How often you goddamn masturbate.
    Jamie: What is the quota for masturbation?
    Bruce: You can masturbate as much as you like, smartass, as long as you make a lot of money.


& Jamie: Hey, Doctor, Jamie Randall. Pfizer. How are you doing?
    Dr. Goldstein: No, thank you.
    Jamie: Look... It’s wet out here. I don’t want you compromising your immune system. Let’s talk about Zithromax for a second.
    Dr. Goldstein: Which part of “No, thank you” do you not understand?
    Jamie: You wanna take a pen?
    Dr. Goldstein: No, thank you.

---

& Jamie: What’s your name?
    Dr. Goldstein: Goldstein.
    Jamie: Right. Dr. Goldstein, okay, what we’re doing...
    Dr. Goldstein: No, what you’re doing is creating classes of drug-resistant superbugs. And that might be good for business, because you will develop stronger antibiotics and ruin people’s immune systems altogether.


& Jamie: Hey, Lisa!
    Bruce: Her name’s not Lisa.
    Jamie: I know. I know. But if every time I say, “Hey, Lisa,” then eventually she’ll come up to me and she’ll be like, you know, “My name’s not Lisa, it’s Jennifer,” or whatever, and I’ll do a big apology and I’ll say, “I thought you were the Lisa who was mad at me for not calling.” And from then on, Jennifer, or whatever her name is, will think that I dated a girl who looked just like her, who I rejected. She’ll develop this unconscious need to win my approval, and from then on, it’s cake.
    Bruce: Damn!


& Bruce: If we can show 5% gains monthly, we’re going to the promised land.
    Jamie: The promised land?
    Bruce: Chicago. Civilization. Culture. And not incidentally, my wife and kids. Only the great and near-great get Chicago, but I got a hunch that you and your swinging dick might be my ticket to the big leagues.


& Jamie: Why did she kick you out?
    Josh: I don’t know, Jamie! Jesus! She said I was addicted to Internet porn.
    Jamie: Are you?
    Josh: Of course I am! Fuck! Isn’t everybody?


& Jamie: Look, I’m sorry that I stared at your tits, but they’re really nice.


& Maggie Murdock: What’s your game?
    Jamie: My game?
    Maggie: Oh I’m sorry. Right. This is the part where we talk about where we come from and what we majored in in college.
    Jamie: You have beautiful eyes.
    Maggie: That’s it? That’s the best you got?
    Jamie: I’m serious. They’re beautiful. {...}
    Maggie: Let’s go.
    Jamie: Excuse me?
    Maggie: You want to close right? You want to get laid?
    Jamie: Now?
    Maggie: Oh right, right, right. I’m supposed to act like I don’t know if it’s right. So then you tell me that there is no right or wrong. It’s just the moment. And then I tell you that I can’t while actually signalling to you that I can, which you don’t need because you’re not really listening. Because this isn’t about connection for you. This isn’t even about sex for you. This is about finding an hour or two of relief from the pain of being you. And that’s fine with me, see, because all I want is the exact same thing.


& Maggie: The thing is, I really like having sex, and I actually really like having sex with you, so let’s just keep it simple.
    Jamie: I can do that.
    Maggie: Yeah, you do seem like a shithead, so it should be all right. {...}
    Jamie: Oh, no, no. I’m a shithead, believe me.
    Maggie: Good. Because if you turn out not to be a shithead, that would be bad.
    Jamie: I’m a shithead, believe me. Through and through.


& Homeless: Are those more samples?
    Jamie: Yeah. Help yourself.

In the ending