Love and Other Drugs (2/2)

In the beginning

& Maggie: First you bring food, and then you wanna spend the night, and then you bring a change of clothes, and then you bring a razor and, oh, my God, it’s a relationship. I don’t want a relationship.


& Depressed people, Randall, they’re depressed every day.


& Jamie: So, I hear we’re coming outwith a new sex drug. Is it true?
    Bruce: Where did you hear that?
    Jamie: Heard it around. Sildenafil citrate. It’s a PDE-5 inhibitor. They lucked into it during trials for blood pressure medication. Guys had massive boners the whole time.
    Bruce: Where did you hear that?
    Jamie: What’s it called?
    Bruce: Viagra.
    Jamie: I want it.
    Bruce: Everybody wants it.


& Party-girl 2 Josh: Hey. What do you say we blow this joint, and then each other? {...}
    Josh: Farrah looks at my dick like it’s the Eye of Sauron.


& Josh: You hate women. Why else would you screw so many of them?


& Jamie: Men with diabetes, men with prostate cancer, men with massive penile injuries. Men with performance anxiety, men with any common form of impotence or sexual dysfunction. Men without a useful erection in years! Boing! Minimum side effects, long-term safety. This isn’t a pill. This is a revolution. Questions?
    People: Yeah! Where are the samples?


& Josh: The dick drug! That’s my brother’s!


& Dr. Goldstein: Jamie! Jamie! Hey! Ted Goldstein, ENT.
    Jamie: Oh, Ted, hi. How are you?
    Dr. Goldstein: I’m good. Look, I got this friend, he’s a radiologist. He has a little problem. I thought maybe...
    Jamie: Say no more. You’re a gem.


& Bruce: Viagra is the first-ever pill to treat impotence. It’s easy, it’s effective, and it’s now wildly in demand. Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth. Oncologists are writing it, shrinks are writing it, gastroenterologists are writing it. Pediatricians are writing it for themselves! I mean, pharmacies could stay open 24 hours and they still couldn’t meet the demand.


& Maggie: Tell me four good things about yourself.

---

& Jamie: I love you. I can’t stop saying it.
    Maggie: You don’t... Just stop saying that, okay?
    Jamie: I can’t. I love you. You don’t understand. I’ve never said that to anyone before.
    Maggie: You’ve never said “I love you”?
    Jamie: No.
    Maggie: You never said it to your parents?
    Jamie: No.
    Maggie: You never said it to your brother?
    Jamie: Ugh!
    Maggie: Jesus, you’re more fucked up than I am.
    Jamie: I once said it to a cat.
    Maggie: Okay, that makes me feel better.


& Jamie: Joshie! That is disgusting.
    Josh: Jamie, I didn’t know you were coming home! Listen, it’s not what it looks like, okay?
    Jamie: Well, it kind of is, but...
    Josh: Okay, just chill.
    Jamie: Yeah, chill. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I just caught my brother masturbating while watching me have sex.
    Josh: Well, I was focusing on her.
    Jamie: Oh, “her.”! You mean my girlfriend!
    Josh: I’m sorry. No. Not on her! On her body parts! Does video make everything look bigger? Because I didn’t think her tits were that big. Then I saw you, and I was like, “What, did an anaconda get loose on the bed?”
    Jamie: This is so twisted.
    Josh: Do you think Dad’s big? I mean, he was when we were kids, but then everything’s bigger when you’re a kid, right?


& Jerry: Parkinson’s, right?
    Jamie: Oh, no. No!
    Jerry: No, your wife.
    Jamie: Girlfriend. Stage One.
    Jerry: Good days and bad days, huh?
    Jamie: Mostly good days. You?
    Jerry: Wife. Since ’73. Stage Four.
    Jamie: You got any advice?
    Jerry: You don’t need my advice.
    Jamie: Come on. I’m very trainable.
    Jerry: My advice is to go upstairs, pack your bags, and leave a nice note. Find yourself a healthy woman. I love my wife. I do. But I wouldn’t do it over again. The thing nobody tells you, this disease will steal everything you love in her. Her body, her smile, her mind. Sooner or later, she’ll lose motor control. Eventually, she won’t even be able to dress herself. Then, the fun really begins. Cleaning up her shit. Frozen face. Dementia. It’s not a disease, it’s a Russian novel.


& Maggie: I’m tired and I’m bored.
    Jamie: What are you bored of?
    Maggie: Parkinson’s isn’t my life! I have Parkinson’s. Why can’t I just live my life instead of becoming this project?


& Dr. Stan Knight: How the fuck am I supposed to do good medicine on 50 patients a day? Plus rounds. And phone calls every day with family... Fucking idiots, telling you, “No, you’re wrong,” because they looked it up on the Internet. I fight over billing, I fight over prescription coverage. The insurance companies are dedicated to not paying you. And the big law firms, man, they’re just waiting. They’re just betting you’re going to make that one big mistake. This profession for me, it was a higher calling. You know? Make people’s lives better. And look at me...


& Viagra Receptionist: Can I help you?
    Jamie: I’m having ’a drug’ reaction.
    Viagra Receptionist: What kind of drug reaction?.. Oh. Oh. Just take a seat and we’ll be right with you.


& Bruce: I got a big raise, buddy. Big raise.
    Jamie: You’re kidding me.
    Bruce: Thanks to you! Those bastards. Buddy, I was never going to get Chicago. I’m too valuable to them in the field.
    Jamie: I can’t believe this.
    Bruce: Give me some credit! It takes a sophisticated eye to spot talent in colossal fuck-ups such as yourself.
    Jamie: I don’t understand.
    Bruce: Don’t be so naive. I didn’t actually want to go to Chicago. I wanted you to think I wanted to go to Chicago, so you’d want to go to Chicago. So you’d work your ass off to get there.
    Jamie: Oh, Bruce, this is unbelievable.
    Bruce: Me, I love the road! I love a stinky motel! I love the barren back roads and strip malls of the heartland! That’s what I love. Why would I want to live in my own house? That I pay for? Why would I want to watch my kids play Little League? Why the fuck would I want to sleep in the same bed as my wife? Why the fuck would I wanna do that?


& Jamie: I’m full of shit, okay? No, I’m knowingly full of shit. Because... Because... I have... I have never cared about anybody, or anything, in my entire life. And the thing is, everybody just kind of accepted that. Like, “That’s just Jamie!” And then you... Jesus. You. You didn’t see me that way. I have never known anyone who actually believed that I was enough. Until I met you. And then you made me believe it, too. So, unfortunately, I need you. And you need me.
    Maggie: No, I don’t.
    Jamie: Yes, you do. {...} You need someone to take care of you.
    Maggie: No, I don’t.
    Jamie: Everybody does. {...} Hey, let’s just say in some alternate universe, there’s a couple that’s just like us, okay? Only she’s healthy and he’s perfect. And their world is about how much money that they’re gonna spend on vacation, or who’s in a bad mood that day, or whether they feel guilty about having a cleaning lady. I don’t want to be those people. I want us.

Fidelity by Regina Spektor

& Jamie: Sometimes the things you want the most don’t happen and what you least expect happens. {...} I don’t know — you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet that one person and your life is changed.


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