The Cohabitation Formulation*
Season 4, Episode 16
& Howard: What’s so funny?
Bernadette: Nothing. Just thinking about the noises people make during sex.
& Howard: Well, gotta go.
Bernadette: Oh! Already? Why don’t you stay over?
Howard: I’d love to, but you know my mother needs me in the morning.
Bernadette: I think the woman can manage to put a wig on by herself.
Howard: It’s not just the wig. It’s pinning her hair up, drawing on her eyebrows. It’s a two-person job.
& Bernadette: It’s just, when you leave right after we make love, it makes me feel... cheap.
Howard: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. What can I do?
Bernadette: Stay.
Howard: Okay. Like, what, another five, ten minutes?
& Bernadette: You can move in here, or we can find a place.
Howard: I’ve got a better solution.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: We wait for my mom’s heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.
Bernadette: ’Great’.
Howard: Look at us planning a future together!
& Howards’s Mom: Who’s there?! Are you a sex criminal?!
Howard: Sex criminals don’t have keys, Ma!
Howards’s Mom: Where were you so late?!
Howard: I was out with Bernadette!
Howards’s Mom: I know what that means! I watch Dr. Phil! I hope to God you used a condom!
Howard: I’m not having this conversation with you, Ma!
Howards’s Mom: God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!
Howard: Nobody has a disease!
Howards’s Mom: I hope not! I share a toilet with you! Is that what you want?! To give your mother herbies?!
Howard: I don’t have to take this! Good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!
& Sheldon: What’s going on?
Leonard: Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Leonard: .................. No.
Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa.
& Sheldon: Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof?
& Sheldon: Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.
Howard: That’s not really necessary.
Sheldon: No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.
Howard: Thanks.
Sheldon: That’s what tertiary friends are for.
& Leonard: Can we talk in private?
Raj: No!
Priya: Sure.
Raj: It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! ... All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! ... All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation!
& Raj: Oh, damn it! Leonard, when you get this message, call me. ... Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.
& Sheldon: Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to.
Howard: That’s very nice of you, but I made other plans.
Sheldon: Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.
& Priya: Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.
Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman’s father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn “in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases.” If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard...
& Raj: There it is, Priya. We’re Indian. We believe this stuff.
Priya: I think it also says that if you eat beef, you need to live with cows for three months and drink their urine.
Raj: Some of it makes sense, some of it’s crazy. My point is, you can’t go out with Leonard.
& Leonard: Penny, this is Raj’s sister, Priya.
Priya: It’s very nice to meet you.
Penny: Oh, yeah, you, too.
Sheldon: Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to... if I may quote Howard... “do the dance with no pants.”
& Bernadette: You need to make a choice. Me or your mother.
Howard: Uh...
Bernadette: Wrong answer.
& Penny: Amy, I’m fine.
Amy: You don’t have to be strong for me. Now let’s talk about Priya, that man-stealing bitch.
& Penny: Really, I am not upset about Leonard and Priya.
Amy: Oh. Then perhaps you don’t understand what’s going on. Your former boyfriend has replaced you with what appears to be a very suitable mate. Arguably much more suitable than you.
Penny: Oh. Well, good for him. ... Hey, what do you mean, “more suitable”?
Amy: Well, granted, Penny, your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious*. But Priya is highly educated, she’s an accomplished professional, and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows.
& Howard: I choose you.
Bernadette: Really?
Howard: Yep. I moved out of my mother’s house. Cord is cut. I’m all yours.
Bernadette: What did she say when you told her?
Howard: I don’t know. She hasn’t responded to my email yet.
Bernadette: This is so great. I love you, Howard.
Howard: I love you, too. So what’s for dinner?
Bernadette: Well, I don’t really have much of anything in the house.
Howard: That’s fine. Why don’t we go fool around in our bedroom? And then you can go shopping.
& Raj: Leonard, I swear to God, if your sister ever comes to town, I shall have my way with her.
Leonard: My sister’s 38 and married.
Raj: All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.
& Penny: Ooh, I thought I smelled pizza.
Sheldon: That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports.
& Priya: Hi. Penny, right?
Penny: Oh, yes. H-Hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. I don’t want to impose.
Sheldon: No, no. It’s not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin* to the plover, a small scavenging* bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.
Penny: ... If I had more than a box of baking soda in my refrigerator, I wouldn’t have to take that.
& Amy: So, how you holding up?
Penny: I’m fine.
Amy: Oh, who are you kidding? She’s breathtaking.
& Priya: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn.
Sheldon: Did you get the part?
Penny: I didn’t do the audition!
Sheldon: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?
& Priya: I took acting classes when I was at Cambridge. I loved it. We did Taming of the Shrew.
Leonard: Oh, wow. I love Taming of the Shrew. I did a paper on it in high school.
“Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting?
In his tail.”
Priya: “In his tongue”
Leonard: “Whose tongue?”
Priya: “Your’s, if you talk of tails, and so farewell.”
Leonard: “What, with my tongue in your tail?”
& Howard: You have hypo-allergenic detergent?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Better put it on the list. If you wash my underwear with regular soap, I get little red bumps on my tuchus.
Bernadette: Wait a second. I’m doing your laundry?
Howard: Well, honey, it’s not gonna do itself. Oh, before I forget, tomorrow morning, you’re driving me to the dentist.
Bernadette: I have to take you?
Howard: You don’t have to take me. You get to take me.
& Howards’s Mom: Who’s that?! Is it a sex criminal?!
Howard: Nobody wants to do that to you, Ma!
Howards’s Mom: Where were you?!
Howard: Didn’t you read my email?!
Howards’s Mom: You know I can’t turn on that ferkakta computer!
& Penny: I smell Chinese food.
Sheldon: It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping.
Penny: Are Leonard and Priya here?
Sheldon: They went to Catalina for the weekend.
Penny: Oh. Where’s Raj?
Sheldon: At home, forbidding it.
Penny: How about Howard?
Sheldon: I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.
Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I guess it’s just the two of us, huh?
Sheldon: Actually, it’s the three of us.
Amy: What’s up, bestie? {...} Sheldon, you have a guest who’s upset.
Sheldon: Right. I’ll make tea.
Penny: Sweetie, it’s okay. I don’t want tea.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s not optional.
--- Dict:
Cohabitation — сожительство; совместное проживание; супружество
bodacious — безрассудный
akin — сродни
scavenging — очистка
On Imdb.
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