Due Date (1/2)

& Ethan Tremblay (Chase): Sorry about my friend. He’s been drinking.
    Peter Highman: You smell boozy too. Drinking and driving together?
    Ethan: Well, we haven’t been drinking. I mean, we split a six-pack o 40’s. But... You know what? My father always had a saying: When a day starts like this, it’s all uphill from here.
    Peter: That’s actually incorrect.
    Ethan: My dad used to say it.
    Peter: No, it’s all downhill from here.
    Ethan: Everybody wants to be up. Nobody wants to be down.
    Peter: It’s easier as you go down. So your father didn’t know what he was talking about.


& Peter: I have a pregnant wife, I have to get back. This is a huge misunderstanding. What am I supposed to do?
    TSA Agent: Have you ever seen Forrest Gump?
    Peter: Yes.
    TSA Agent: Well, he ran across country, and he was pretty stupid. So I have faith in you. ... You’re free to leave.


& Ethan: Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot. But I have a really great personality once you get to know me.
    Peter: Yeah, I’m sure you do.
    Ethan: I got 90 friends on Facebook. Twelve pending, but I got 90 friends.


& Ethan: My name’s Ethan. Ethan Trembling. And this little guy... this little butterball... this is Sonny. And we would be honored to have you ride with us. Come on. It’ll be fun. ... JK. LOL. HI. “Hop in.” Life’s weird, isn’t it? Buckle up*.


& Ethan: You have any brothers or sisters?
    Peter: No.
    Ethan: You have a dog?
    Peter: Nope.
    Ethan: What’s your favorite color?
    Peter: Blue.
    Ethan: That’s so cool. Mine’s green.


& Ethan: Do you like hot dogs?
    Peter: Yes, I do.
    Ethan: I’m more of a corn-dog man, myself. I once ate a foot-long corn dog on a nude beach. I’ll never do that again.


& Ethan (about Sonny): He thinks he’s human. So stupid.

---

& Peter: You mean your weed?
    Ethan: It’s medical marijuana, Peter.
    Peter: No, it’s weed.
    Ethan: Why do you make everything so dark?
    Peter: It’s weed. I’m saying I really don’t want to stop and buy drugs. Is that okay?
    Ethan: I didn’t want to play this card, certainly not this early. But guess what. Guess who’s got the Subaru Impreza. Me. Guess who’s got all the money. Me. Guess who’s got a winning personality. Me. What do you have? You have a nice hairline, fine. You have a strong jaw, fine. But I gotta tell you something, mister. Your personality needs some work.


& Peter: What were you thinking when you spent almost all of our money on drugs?!
    Ethan: I don’t think in those terms.
    Peter: What terms do you think in?
    Ethan: I’m not an accountant. I’m not even Jewish.


& Peter: Can I tell you something? Honestly, it’s my fault. I’m just having a bad day.
    Western Union Agent: You had a bad day?
    Peter: Yeah.
    WU Agent: It’s about to get a whole lot worse.


& Peter: What’s that sound?
    Ethan: What sound?
    Peter: Mm. No, it stopped. Okay, it’s back.
    Ethan: That’s me. I’m just masturbating.
    Peter: What?! Why?!
    Ethan: This is how I go to sleep.
    Peter: Oh, don’t, don’t, don’t! Come on, dude. I’m right here next to you.
    Ethan: Just shut your eyes, Peter.
    Peter: They’re closed. The sound.
    Ethan: Just bear with me.

& Peter: How long is this gonna take?
    Ethan: Ugh! If you keep interrupting me it’s gonna take a little longer... but it usually just takes about 35 minutes. Is that all?
    Peter: Your fucking dog’s doing it too.
    Ethan: Sonny! Stop! Sonny, no. Stop. Good boy.


& Peter: You have a nice shower?
    Ethan: Yes, excellent. You know, rest areas have the nicest showers. The nicest showers.


& Ethan: This coffee’s hot.
    Peter: It’s hot coffee.
    Ethan: Whoo!


& Ethan: Have we crossed the Mississippi River?
    Peter: We’re in Texas. The Mississippi River was the river we crossed in Mississippi.
    Ethan: That’s too bad. Would have been a great sendoff for my papa. Put his ashes in the old river. Let the ashes float down to New Orleans, you know? Spend Mardi Gras there. Nothing he loved more than jazz music... and women's titties.


& Ethan: Did I snore last night?
    Peter: Mm-hm.
    Ethan: Sorry. I’m a deep sleeper. It’s a condition. You know when they say, “That guy could sleep through an earthquake”? I’ve actually slept through an earthquake. I also fell asleep during a job interview at Bank of America.
    Peter: I didn’t sleep last night. I’m gonna try now.
    Ethan: You should have masturbated... because I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby.



Buckle up = to fasten a strap that holds you in your seat in a vehicle or aircraft.

In the ending