The Benefactor Factor
Season 4, Episode 15
& Raj: Here’s what I wonder about zombies. What happens if they can’t get any human flesh to eat? They can’t starve to death... they’re already dead.
Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on «How do vampires shave when they can’t see themselves in the mirror»?
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other... case closed.
& Dr. Siebert, the president of the university: Hey, there’s my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today?
Sheldon: That depends... how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?
Dr. Siebert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.
Sheldon: It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I’ll let you check me for a hernia*.
& Dr. Siebert: So, listen, fellas, who’s up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls...
Howard: Sounds great!
Raj: I’m in!
Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?
Dr. Siebert: Just a little fund-raiser for the university.
Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.
& Dr. Siebert: I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research.
Sheldon: I don’t care; it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out* and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform.
& Dr. Siebert: All right, let me put it this way. You’re gonna put on a suit, you’re gonna come to this party, and you’re gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I’ll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Oh, you don’t want that.
& Raj: Oh, boy! Tator tots and a party invitation? What a great day!
& Penny: Oh, Howard, I can’t believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey*.
Howard: Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn’t pick out my clothes. My mother does.
& Howard: Hey, put your tie back in your pants.
& Raj: Nice place. Reminds me of my parents’ house back in New Delhi.
Howard: You’re kidding.
Raj: No. We are very wealthy. But the only difference is, we have more servants.
Howard: More than this?!
Raj: More than we can use. You see, in India, we don’t make the mistake of letting our poor people have dreams.
& Dr. Siebert: Mrs. Latham, I’d like you to meet three of our outstanding young researchers. This is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz.
Mrs. Latham: Well, what happened to you, Wolowitz? Couldn’t stick with it long enough to get your PhD?
Howard: ... I’m an engineer. Most engineers don’t bother with a PhD. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste-disposal system for NASA.
Mrs. Latham: Got it... you’re a space plumber.
& Amy: Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward «The Man,» but, in this case, I think you’ve made a foolish mistake.
Sheldon: Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.
Amy: Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.
Sheldon: That’s it. Prepare to be minimized.
Amy: I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab?.. I went to Saudi Arabia and met with a prince who had an interest in neurobiology.
Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?!
Amy: Technically, Faisal is my fiancé. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.
Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page...
& Leonard: On the bright side, I don’t think President Siebert will be making us go to any more fund-raisers.
Howard: It was so much easier at my bar mitzvah... The old people just came up to you, pinched your cheek and handed you a savings bond.
& Leonard: Mrs. Latham, the first machine I turn on in the morning is the helium-neon laser, ’cause it needs to warm up.
Mrs. Latham: I no longer care, dear. But don’t worry, I really enjoyed meeting you this evening.
Leonard: You’re kidding. That was good for you? ’Cause I was sweating through my T-shirt.
Mrs. Latham: Excellent! There’s nothing I like better than making smart people feel ill at ease.
Leonard: Why?
Mrs. Latham: Oh, I don’t know, it’s one of the fun things you get to do when you have lots of money. Watch. Hey! Who said you could eat that shrimp?! See?.. Fun.
& Sheldon: No, no, no, I’m just here for your money. I don’t want to shake anyone’s germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert. {...} I must confess I don’t understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers.
& Sheldon: Good morning, Mrs. Latham. ... Well, yes, of course I remember you. A woman well past her prime seeking to augment* her social status by doling out her late husband’s
& Leonard: She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research?!
& Howard: Hey. How was dinner?
Leonard: Swell. I need a drink. Do we have any alcohol?
Sheldon: No. But we have potatoes... I could make you vodka. It’ll take two weeks.
& Penny: Leonard, are you okay?
Leonard: Um, I’m not sure.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Leonard: Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
Howard: Yes!
Raj: Oh, wow!
Leonard: ...then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon: Why?!
Penny: Okay, we can’t keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
& Leonard: I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.
Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear?
Leonard: What?!
Sheldon: Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favors for material gain... walk him through this.
& Leonard: Well, forget it! It’s not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!
Leonard: I repeat: Not-gonna-happen!
Penny: Er... What was all that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?
Sheldon: It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
& Leonard: I won’t be too late; I’m just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night.
Sheldon: Hold on, I have something for you.
Leonard: What’s this?
Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. Baby oil, condoms and, uh... a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.
& Leonard: Are you insane?! I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment.
Sheldon: Oh, come on! Why not? Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!
Penny: He still won’t shag the old lady, huh?
Sheldon: No. But thank you for asking.
& Mrs. Latham: Leonard, I’m making the donation to your department regardless of what happens between us.
Leonard: Really?
Mrs. Latham: Well, of course. There’s no quid pro quo here. You and your colleagues are doing remarkable research, and you deserve the money.
Leonard: Oh. Then what was last night about?
Mrs. Latham: I took a shot; sue me.
Leonard: Oh.
& Mrs. Latham: Just for the record... you’d remember a night with me for the rest of your life.
Leonard: I’m sure I would. But why... why, exactly?
Mrs. Latham: You’re a very smart man. How do you think I landed such a rich husband?
Leonard: I hadn’t really given it much thought.
Mrs. Latham: Well... think about it.
& Penny: Good morning, slut.
Leonard: What?!
Penny: Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.
& Sheldon: Are you just getting home?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That’s a good sign, right?
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard: No, I didn’t do it for the money.
Sheldon: She stiffed* you?
Penny: I believe that’s what your roommate did to her.
Sheldon: What?!
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you.
Leonard: No, I mean, I... I got the money first.
Sheldon: Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack* for gigolo work, Leonard.
& Leonard: I’m gonna go lie down.
Sheldon: That’s a good idea; get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.
Penny: Hey!
Sheldon: Another compliment! Learn to recognize them.
& Dr. Siebert: Ah, there he is! The man of the hour! He took one for the team!
Leonard: I didn’t do it for the money!
Dr. Siebert: Keep telling yourself that... it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
Howard: How was she?
--- Dict:
hernia — грыжа
trotted out — щеголять; показывать
dickey — манишка
augment — увеличение; приращение; прибавление
stiffed — жадина; принужденный; до изнеможения
knack — ловкость; умение; сноровка
On Imdb.
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