& Peter: Now, if you’re gonna travel with me to Los Angeles... I gotta give you a couple guidelines. Number one: If you ask me a single question, I’m going to flip out on you. So don’t do that. Do you understand?
Ethan: Somewhat, yes.
Peter: If you fall asleep for any reason... other than the fact that you’re in a bed and it’s nighttime... I will disembowel* you. Make sense?
Ethan: Somewhat.
Peter: Great. If you’re allergic to waffles, don’t eat waffles.
Ethan: Then don’t take me to a Waffle House.
& Peter: This is horrible. It tastes like cat litter.
Ethan: I think it tastes delicious.
Darryl: You should. I was all out, so I used the coffee you brought.
Peter: Oh, boy. That’s his dad, it’s his dad.
Darryl: Fine. I’ll buy some other coffee. I apologize. What’s the big deal?
Peter: His dad is the coffee. He passed away and his remains were in the fucking can.
Darryl: Get him the fuck out. The beard, the dog, get him out!
Peter: I get it.
Darryl: Get him out!
Peter: I know. It took eight minutes, right?
& Peter: I’m sorry we drank your father.
Ethan: It’s okay.
Peter: Are you all right? Are you sure?
Ethan: Yeah, there’s plenty of him still in here. Darryl only made three cups of coffee... and I think there’s about eight cups of my dad left in here.
Peter: Great.
Ethan: At least he tasted good.
Peter: Not bad. Yeah, strong... He was full-flavored... Robust blend...
Ethan: He really enjoyed coffee. And in the end, he was enjoyed as coffee. Kind of circle of life.
Peter: Lion King
. All that.& Peter: This is some stuff. This window is not working.
Ethan: No, I locked them so we could get a good clambake* going on in here. That way, Sonny could get stoned.
Peter: Am I stoned?
Ethan: Do you feel stoned?
& Peter: Are we on the highway still?
Ethan: Relax, Peter, I’ve got it covered.
Peter: Are you certain?
Ethan: You’re getting paranoid. That pot got to you.
Peter: Okay. All right, you see the flag? It looks like a border crossing, it says “Mexico”...
Ethan: Oh, Lord. Gosh. I thought that said Texaco. We’re low on gas.
& Border Guard: Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying?
Ethan: No, I have glaucoma.
Border Guard: What about your friend, does he have glaucoma too?
Ethan: Answer the man. Do you have glaucoma? No, he doesn’t have glaucoma.
Border Guard: What about the dog, does he have glaucoma? Because his eyes are glassy as fuck.
& Ethan: Hold on, Sonny, it’s about to get rough.
& Ethan: How many laws did we just break?
Peter: I don’t know, 60?
& Peter: God, you looked crazy!
Ethan: Yeah. Well, I’m in stealth mode. That’s why I got the scarf on my head.
Peter: You were like a commando. You were a Comanche warrior.
& Ethan: Dad, you were like a father to me.
& Ethan: Well, there’s something I’ve been wanting to get off my chest too.
Peter: Shoot.
Ethan: I’m not really 23 years old.
& Peter: I’m sorry.
Ethan: Fine. But in the future, when we’re hanging out as buddies... if we get into a fight, don’t go for my face. That’s how I make a living. Okay?
& Peter: No, it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen! Why’?!
& Ethan: I’m in shock!
Peter: It burns!
& Ethan: Don’t panic! Don’t panic! Don’t panic!
& Peter: Let’s do a little acting exercise like we did at the rest stop in the bathroom, okay? You’re a sergeant, I’m just a grunt in your platoon... but you promised me that you’d get me home to my high-school sweetheart.
Ethan: Okay.
Peter: Action!
& Ethan: Peter.
Peter: Yeah?
Ethan: I puked on the wound.
Peter: I know. It’s okay, buddy. I need you to drive, but we gotta go. Come on.
Ethan: Get in the back seat, private. What are you, a girl or something?
& Ethan: Your son’s about to be born. What will you name him?
Peter: I’ll know it when I see him.
Ethan: How about “Sonny”?
Peter: No. Not naming my son after a masturbating dog.
Ethan: Don’t listen to him, Sonny. He loves you.
& Ethan: I have an expectant father and a gunshot victim.
& Ethan: See? Together we think of everything.
& Peter: Darryl. What the fuck?
& Sarah Highman: Who are you?
Ethan: My name is Ethan Tremblay. I’m your husband’s best friend.
Sarah: It’s nice to meet you.
Ethan: Nice to meet you too. Let’s get that baby out of your vagina.
& Peter: It’s gotta be a good sign.
& Ethan: We should do it again. Go across country again.
Peter: Okay. Sure.
Ethan: Call me tomorrow about it.
Peter: If I don’t...
Ethan: Call me tomorrow about it.
-- Dict:
clambake is when you sit in a car with your friends and roll the windows up and smoke weed so that the entire car fills up with smoke and you get even higher.
disembowel — потрошить
+ on Imdb
! So sweet pair, those Ethan (aka Zach Galifianakis) & Peter (aka Robert Downey Jr.).
! OST's just great.
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