House M.D. 7x13

Two Stories

Season 7, Episode 13

& House: Who put sand in her vagina?


& Timmy Morgan: You're lying.
    House: Interesting theory. Can you prove it?
    Timmy: Doctors don't carry guns. They don't shoot people, and they definitely don't search patients' homes. Plus, I've seen Pulp Fiction... the movie you're totally ripping off.
    House: Huh.


& Zack: Why are you here?
    House: To dig myself out of a hole. Instead I dug a bigger one.


& Sophie: Why would they hide something that could be killing them?
    House: Because they are morons. They're all morons, and everybody lies.
    Gabe: Wait, if everybody lies, then that means you're lying right now.
    House: I didn't say everybody always lies... Aristotle.


& Teacher: Oh, Dr. Hourani... Before you finish, maybe you could describe what you actually do. You know, like if someone comes in for a routine physical?
    House: You want routine? Please.
    Patient: It just feels kind of, like, numb.
    House: You do a lot of bicycle riding?
    Patient: No.
    House: How long have you been married?
    Patient: It's 12 years next month.
    House: You have six kids.
    Patient: Mm-hmm. Well, you don't think it could have anything to do with that, do you?
    House: Probably. How often do you use your vibrator?
    Patient: Excuse me?
    House: Your battery-operated Brad Pitt. After giving the gift of life to six eight-pound, four-ounce wrecking balls, I think I can safely assume it's an industrial-strength model?
    Teacher: Dr. Hourani, please!
    House: You wanted routine.


& House: Just in time for lunch.
    Cuddy: By lunch, you mean a conference call with the board, and by just in time, you mean, 20 minutes late.
    House: I meant sex... By lunch. How about we start with a small tossed salad?
    Cuddy: As of this morning, I'm on a diet.


& House: ... So that's what a typical doctor does on a typical day. Any questions?
    Alex: What's a vibrator?

---

& Colleen: Why was your girlfriend so mad?
    House: It doesn't matter.
    Colleen: Well, obviously it matters. I mean, if she's your girlfriend, you should care how she feels.
    House: I mean, it doesn't matter to the story.
    Colleen: It's the most important part of the story. It's the only thing that does matter.


& Chase: You're new, aren't you?
    New nurse: Uh, yeah, I just moved from Chicago.
    Taub: Chicago's awesome. What part are you from?
    Martha: We need to get a chest C.T.
    Foreman: Excuse me, I'm the senior team member, which means we don't need anything unless I say we need it.
    Taub: Do you want to have an affair?
    Chase: You want to have a threesome?
    Martha: You can't talk to her like that. I'm telling Cuddy.
    Foreman: We need a chest C.T.
    Taub & Chase: Get it yourself.
    Sophie: Isn't that, like, sexual harassment?
    House: Not if you're good-looking.
    Female Lawyer: Excuse me?
    Gabe: You said the one guy was short with a big nose.
    House: Guess that's not the only thing that's big.
    Alex: What does that mean?
    Gabe: It means he's lying... again.


& House: Because you can't handle the truth!
    Timmy: That's so easy. A Few Good Men.


& Teacher: Okay, I give up. I think we should move on to our next guest. Mr. Dryden... Uh, works for one of the largest advertising agencies in New York City...
    Pupils Boring! Boring!


& Martha: What is that?
    Chase: I think it's his... It's his lung.
    Gabe: That actually happened?
    House: Yes, it really happened. I take cases that other doctors fail to diagnose, which is why I only take one at a time.


& Gabe: So you really did force his roommate to hack into the laptop?
    House: Why would I lie?
    Alex: But whose laptop is it?
    Sophie: It's your girlfriend's, isn't it?
    House: She's not my girlfriend. I'm just interested in her because she's a client, and she sleeps above her covers... four feet above her covers.
What?
    Timmy: Ghostbusters.


& Colleen: So that's why she's so mad... you looked through her computer?
    House: No, that part happened after she got mad. First she got mad. Then I stole her computer to fix things. And then we got the case.
    Zack: Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?
    House: Well, when you say it like that... Yes.
    Colleen: Looks like you're the moron.


& Taub: I can also get three sets of golf clubs in there.
    House: No way.
    Timmy: You didn't get her laptop by blowing down the door of her office. That's from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.
    House: Just seeing if you're still paying attention. It was actually more subtle.
    Timmy: The Thomas Crown Affair... the Steve McQueen version.


& Some student's Mother: You poisoned a room full of patients so you could steal your girlfriend's laptop?
    House: I didn't poison anybody. I spilled some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor, thinking the stench would clear the place out. But instead of breathing through his nose, some idiot decided to hold his breath. He passes out, and before I know it, the place is a perfect storm of mass hysteria... Although it worked out just as well. They're morons.


& House: I know why she's mad. What I need to know is how to make her un-mad. And step one is gaining access to the journal on her laptop, where she records her innermost thoughts... Instead of just watching porn with me. Oh, grow up. If porn was bad, why would there be so many nuns in it?


& Sophie: That can't be true.
    House: Why not?
    Sophie: 'Cause if he was dying... I mean, you're a doctor.
    House: Patients die every day. Not all of them are interesting.


& House: She was mad because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing.
    Colleen: So she's mad 'cause she's a girl.
    House: And now she's mad because she's programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing.


& Cuddy: Would you please just use the toothbrush I bought you?
    House: Would you please just shut up and watch the movie? ... I said, "please."


& Dr. Hourani: Get the hell out of here!
    House: Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy'll never look for me. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
    Dr. Hourani: Well, I can tell you, what you're about to find is my foot in your ass.
    House: I don't think we've got enough lotion for that.


& Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.
    Colleen: That's what I said. You don't listen to her.
    House: You didn't say that.
    Colleen: Yes, I did.
    House: Well, I wasn't listening, then.


& Principal Fields: Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?
    House: Is there a third option?


& Principal Fields: Maybe it's time you grew up. Dr. House... Is there anything you'd like to say?
    House: ........ Can I be excused?



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