The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

Friends 5×4

Rachel: Ah! Oh, my God! Monica! Oh, my God!
Monica: I'm sorry! I was... I was taking a nap.
Rachel: Since when do you take naps in that position?

Joey: I'm sorry, Pheebs. I just wanted to do a good deed, like you did with the babies.
Phoebe: This isn't a good deed. You just want to get on TV. This is totally selfish.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about you having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish!
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: It was a nice thing, but it made you feel good, right?
Phoebe: Yeah, so?
Joey: It made you feel good so that makes it selfish.

Joey: Look, there's no unselfish good deeds. Sorry.
Phoebe: Yes, there are totally good deeds that are selfless!
Joey: May I ask for one example?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's... You know, there's... No, you may not!
Joey: That's because all people are selfish.
Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?
Joey: Are you calling you people? Sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you know the deal on Santa Claus, right?...

Phoebe: Hey, Joey. I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I went down to the park and I let a bee sting me. What good is that going to do anybody? It helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy, and I am definitely not.
Joey: You know, the bee probably died after he stung you...
Phoebe: Damn it!

Chandler: Look... maybe I got carried away before, but there's something you gotta know... If I'm the best, it's only because you made me the best.
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together... Oh! My! God!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: OH! MY! GOD! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again. But that would be wrong. We're too good. We owe it to sex!
Monica: Well, if we owe it!
Chandler: Oh, my!

Rachel: Ross, look, whatever this relationship stuff is that Emily wants... just give it to her. The bottom line is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. You're going to have to try. You'll just hate yourself if you don't.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks