Lip Service

Inside No. 9 6×3

Felix: Um, can I make you a cup of tea?
Iris: No, thank you. You know that half of hotel kettles been used for boil-washing underwear?
Felix: No, really?
Iris: Oh, yeah. And the other half's been used for peeing in.
Felix: Jesus. Thought the element looked a bit green.

Iris: I'm sure the office explained to you, but we can't guarantee 100% accuracy. Depends where they position themselves, obviously. About a third of lip shapes are visible on the mouth. Others are inferred by movements of the neck, jaw, chin, even the eyes. Then there's the context to be taken into consideration, which is why you need an expert lip reader.

Iris: Readers' Wives! How analogue of you. Plenty of bush on display, very retro. ... Pubes are like cargo pants hang on to them long enough, they'll come back into fashion.

Felix: God, this is awful. It's like having open-heart surgery with no anaesthetic.

Felix: Can I ask... are you married, Iris?
Iris: Me? No. I'm self-partnered, as they say. Single as a dollar and not looking for change.

Iris: Well, I mean, I might like to meet someone eventually. But, for now, I don't need another half because I am a whole. I mean with a W, not as in...
Felix: An empty abyss.

Felix: Brenda, please.
Iris: "I have to tell you - I've filed for a restraining order. My lawyer says this is borderline arse mount."
Felix: It's "Harassment", and you don't have to keep repeating everything, I can hear!

Iris: "I wish you'd meet somebody, Felix, I really do. You deserve a penis..." Happiness.

Felix: I spent hours online on Dad Chat.
Iris: What's that?
Felix: Well, it's like Mumsnet, but with sad men rather than competitive women.

Felix: I know it sounds mad, but... love is mad, isn't it?

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