Resident Alien: Pilot

Resident Alien 1×1

Harry Vanderspeigle: Spring. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, the sun warms the Earth. Somewhere. Not here... It's 30 degrees out. It snowed 9 feet last winter, and four frozen sodas just exploded in my truck. Welcome to Patience, Colorado.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I am in the middle of nowhere. A tiny town three hours from the nearest city on roads that are impassable half the year. Nobody in their right mind would live in a place like this, unless they have something to hide...

Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson. Everybody calls me Big Black.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Because of your truck?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Because of... oh. Oh, you funny, huh? You funny?

Harry Vanderspeigle: This... is... awesome.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: What? What's awesome?
Harry Vanderspeigle: A good mystery, figuring out what happened, like "Law and Order." Clung-clung!

Harry Vanderspeigle: How is this possible? Only 1 in 1 million humans have the genetic mutation that enables them to see through our molecular reconstruction, yet somehow in a town of a thousand people there is a runny-nosed kid who can see me in my true form? That means there are more people in this town who can see me as an alien than there are slices of pizza. Humans have a term for this: "Bad luck," and "raw deal," and "this is some bullshit."

Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm smarter than you.
Asta Twelvetrees: What are you, 12?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Don't feel bad. It's just a fact. Once you accept it, you will stop fighting me.

Asta Twelvetrees: I just wanted to say that I appreciate you helping us. You... you did a good job.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You just gave me a compliment.
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah?
Harry Vanderspeigle: You know, pandas are so stupid, sometimes they don't even realize they're pregnant. And when they give birth, they're like, "What is this?" And then they kill their crying babies.
Asta Twelvetrees: What?
Harry Vanderspeigle: I compared you to a lizard before. But that's not so bad. Pandas are really dumb.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I'll say one thing about whiskey, it's allowing me to make smart, rational decisions.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Whiskey, headache, nausea, severe dehydration. Alcohol must not affect humans the way it does us. If it did, they obviously would never drink it.

Asta Twelvetrees: You gonna tell me how you did that?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Did what?
Asta Twelvetrees: You just dragged a 220-pound man through a wall.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yoga.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Why is everyone in town calling my phone thinking I'm the new town doctor?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, you know, everyone has the right to medical care. And as the mayor, it's my job to do what's best for the people of this town. And then that is to fight to make sure that they have a doctor. Also, I had a standing 4:00 therapy appointment on Tuesdays with Sam, so...

Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans are dangerous. My people have always known that.

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