Penguin Cam and Chill

Atypical 2×2

Sam: After a female emperor penguin lays an egg, she immediately goes away, leaving the male to care for and warm the egg until it hatches.
Doug: Oh, yeah? Where's the egg?
Sam: Under the father's tail feathers.
Doug: That's a dude? That's cool.

Casey: Why do villains always have cats?

Sam: You look like Roald Amundsen, dressed for an expedition. Without the frostbite and the beard.
Paige: Is that a compliment?
Sam: Of course.
Paige: Thank you.

Sam: Sometimes when talking to Paige, I lose track of what her words mean. It's like she's a whale or a dolphin using echolocation. And I'm a boy speaking English.

Sam: I don't understand this at all. First, Paige made out with me in the art room, but then she wouldn't hold my hand even though she's the one who came up with the hand-holding rule in the first place, months ago.
Zahid: Tale as old as time, beautiful vixen using her wiles to scramble your brains.
Sam: Yes, they do feel scrambled.

Zahid: You, my man, are in the gray area. First, you and Paige were hot and heavy: relationship. Then you broke her heart and she murdered that poor penguin: not a relationship. So she wants to protect herself, but still finds you really cute, obvi. And now, you're all up in that gray area.
Sam: Is... the gray area a bird or me?

Zahid: Okay. Advice incoming. Sit down.
Sam: Good. I was hoping for this. I brought my notebook.
Zahid: Uhh! You ready? Here's what you do.... Nothing.
Sam: What?
Zahid: Dude, the gray area is the bomb! You get all the nookie and none of the responsibility. Let me put it this way: What's the reason you'd never have a dragon as a pet?
Sam: Ahh! So many.
Zahid: Exactly. Where are you going to find the treasure for it to fall asleep on? How do you keep it from burning down your house? How do you keep it a secret from the FBI, so they don't take him away, wrap him in plastic and take away his powers like ET? If all those problems just magically went away, then poof! You get to pal around with a dope-ass dragon all day.

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Zahid: But for real, how baller would it be to have a dragon?
Sam: Not very.
Zahid: What if it could sing?
Sam: Still no.

Sam: Dad brought pizza. There's enough for everyone, but only if all non-family members only have one slice.

Sam: I need you to clarify the rules of a casual relationship.
Paige: Oh! Um... I haven't really thought about it, but... We don't hold hands. We don't hold books, we don't hold anything. Well, except for each other, when I say that we can... We don't discuss feelings, crushes or finances. Oh! And our weekends are our own. If we happen to be eating lunch together or studying together, sit across the table from each other, not side-by-side like the French. But we do kiss like the French.
Sam: Got it.

Sam: You want to watch the penguin cam with me?
Paige: Absolutely not. A shared interest that involves birth is a minefield, definitely against the rules.
Sam: Okay.

Paige: Thanks for coming--
Sam: Rule number nine: No kissing hello or goodbye. Remember?

Paige: ... I feel really rejected.
Sam: Rule number three: No talking about feelings.

Paige: Honestly, I feel pretty bummed. I mean, can't we just, like... cuddle and watch a movie?
Sam: Is that a joke? Rule number four and eleven.

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