Pants on Fire

Atypical 2×4

Sam: "And even though it was way, way too short, it's an accomplishment that will stay with me forever."
Ms. Whitaker: No. Sam, you can't write your college essay about seeing an exotic dancer's boobies.
Sam: Why not? They asked about my greatest accomplishments. That's one of my greatest accomplishments.

Ms. Whitaker: ... What about your autism?
Sam: What about it?
Ms. Whitaker: Well, why don't you write about that? I mean, you get good grades, you've had the same job for over a year... Those are major accomplishments for anyone with ASD. ... You're a real success story, Sam.
Sam: No. Autism isn't an accomplishment. It's something I was born with. You wouldn't write an essay about having ten fingers and ten toes, would you? No, because that would be really, really, really, really dumb. So I'll stick with the boobs.

Casey: Sometimes you have to lie to get by.
Sam: Oh, like how a polar bear cub will cover its black nose to blend in with the snow when it's trying to hunt a seal.

Casey: What I'm saying is that lying is an important survival skill, like using a flint to light a fire.
Sam: I can't do that either.
Casey: Oh, dude, it's not that hard.
Sam: Really?
Casey: I don't know. It was a lie. Do you see how easy that was?

Elsa: Look, sweetie, regardless of your sister's terrible advice, it is never okay to lie. Lies tend to snowball and... one leads to another... and before you know it, you are so deep in a hole, it's almost impossible to dig yourself back out.
Sam: Okay. The idea of digging yourself out of a hole is ridiculous. The more you dig, the deeper you get.
Elsa: Yeah. You're right. How did that ever become an expression?

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Zahid: Lucky for you, I have developed a foolproof lying strategy. I call it the Pants on Fire technique, or POF for short. Ready?.. "P," praise. Start every lie with a compliment. Something about their personality, or their appearance, or their sharp new suspenders.
Sam: What if they're not wearing suspenders?
Zahid: Any accessory will do. People are desperate for validation. Next, "O," as in "obviously." If they're skeptical of your lie, simply repeat the word "obviously."
Sam: How many times?
Zahid: I play it by ear. But, I like to vary my tones. Finally, "F," for "flee the scene." Lying invites follow-up questions, and follow-up questions kill lies, but you can't follow up with a man who isn't there.

Zahid: I threw in an extra tip for you. Call him "buddy," works every time. 'Cause who would lie to their buddy?

Sam: I see the wisdom of the Pants on Fire technique, but I wouldn't know where to start.
Zahid: That's easy. Start by lying to your ex, because, so what? Can't dump you again. Can't be tried for the same crime twice. No double jeopardy allowed.
Sam: I do like an established legal precedent.
Zahid: Samesies. You're gonna be just fine, my guy. Easy frickin' peasy.

Sam: I didn't like lying to Bob. But I'm glad you get to keep your job. So, it's a bad feeling, but a good feeling, too.
Zahid: That's how you know you're doing it right. I could hug you, you magnificent bastard.
Sam: Maybe just a small one...
Zahid: I like that we're secure enough to do this semi-regularly.
Sam: I'm neutral about it.

Sam: Zahid has lots of theories. Theories about lying, and girls, and the best way to make mac and cheese.
Zahid: It's four times as much butter as you would think, three times as much cheese and half the pasta. It is so delicious. You should try it.

Sam: One of his theories is that people with autism are actually the normal ones, because we see the world as it really is. ... It's only neurotypicals who put an extra layer of meaning on top of what's actually there so it makes sense to them.

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