Band in China

South Park 23×2

Randy Marsh: You guys... I've just had the greatest idea ever. ... I've been trying to figure out how to make more money selling weed. And last night, it came to me. We could grow the family business by selling Tegridy... to the Chinese.

Randy Marsh: I did a little research. Turns out there's a lot of people in China. If we can get like 2% of that market to buy our weed, we'd make millions of millions of dollars.

Randy Marsh: Oh, for Christ's sake! You have a good idea and everyone wants to copy you!... Fine. I can handle some healthy competition. Who else wants to go to China and get some of their money?... Oh, for crying' out loud!

Randy Marsh: Let me guess, you work for a company trying to get Chinese people as customers. Wow, where'd you get that idea? It's okay. It's okay. I'm sure there's plenty of Chinese people for all of us.

Producer: Records? What are you kids, from the '90s?! There's no money in albums or singles or even tours anymore. What we need to focus on... is your biopic. ... PC Babies' biopic came out last week. Made over $100 million.

Producer: What makes a band truly great? It's a desire to be heard. And a commitment to a three-act structure that has a 20-minute setup, about an hour and a half of conflict, and a big, triumphant resolution.

Stan Marsh: Oh, and then Kenny learned to play bass watching YouTube videos of John Lennon with the Dalai Lama.
Producer: Oh, oh, yeah, no, no, we don't want to go there. Talking about the Dalai Lama doesn't go over well with the Chinese.
Jimmy Valmer: The... the... the what?
Producer: Look, for this movie to really make money, we need to be sure it clears the Chinese censors, you know? We want those Chinese viewers!

Producer: It's okay. There's plenty of other things to talk about with your story. How about... What kind of things were you into when you were younger?
Butters Stotch: Well, I always liked Winnie the Pooh!
Producer: Oh, no, no, no, no no no, that's definitely off limits.

Producer: Hey, you want to move away from your family, right? You want to be successful on your own, right?
Stan Marsh: Yeah...
Producer: Alright, well, you know what they say... You got to lower your ideals of freedom if you want to suck on the warm teat of China.

Producer: Listen, guys, we, uh, just got word back from the Chinese censors. They don't want us mentioning organ transplants.
Stan Marsh: How come?
Producer: Well, they've been accused of harvesting organs from the... L-Look, it doesn't matter. They... They just said no to the organ stuff.

Producer: Oh, and, uh, no homosexuality either.
Stan Marsh: No homosexuality?! We're trying to do a band biopic!
Butters Stotch: Yeah, and what's wrong with homosexuality, anyways?
Producer: Nothing! Unless you want to make money in China.

Thor: Well, it is true, sir. The Chinese seem to exploit their own people with forced labor that...
Mickey Mouse: Shut the fuck up, Thor! You're here to flex and not think, ya fucking bitch!

Mickey Mouse: Who is this? I don't know you. Are you from Pixar?
Randy Marsh: No, I'm from South Park.
Mickey Mouse: What's South Park? Do I own that?
— No, not yet, sir.

Randy Marsh: Hey, hold on a minute! You really think that business should be run through intimidation and fear? Whatever happened to old-time values? You already have business with the Chinese. You have all the connections money can buy. But there's one thing you don't have... And that's Tegridy. Now, it just so happens...

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Producer: Cut! Cut, cut! Cut! Uh, kids, let's not say anything about this being a free country.
Stan Marsh: Aw, come on!
Producer: Hey, these guys were nice enough to come all the way from China to help us with our standards. We can at least listen to their notes.

Producer: Come on, guys. Everyone else is fine with China approving our entertainment. Even the PC Babies don't seem to mind. And PC Babies cry about everything!

Producer: You just got to rewrite the script before we continue shooting. Go back to your room and just write your story. It has to come from your heart.

Randy Marsh: They didn't listen at all? But why not?
Mickey Mouse: It's the bear. They're still pissed off about the bear.
Randy Marsh: But for what?

Randy Marsh: So what if we took their side, then? What if we showed China that we understand how they feel to be made fun of on the Internet?

Stan Marsh: Now I know how all the writers in Hollywood feel...

Winnie the Pooh: Oh! What delicious honey! I would like to share, Piglet... Perhaps I will share... In just a few more slurps I can...

Stan Marsh: I can't do it any more, you guys. I can't even think with the Chinese government censoring everything I write.

Stan Marsh: It's so wrong, you know? I mean, we live in a time where the only movies that us American kids go see are ones that are approved by China.
Jimmy Valmer: Yeah, it's like China is the new MPAA.

Stan Marsh: We just got to face it. A death metal band is never gonna make real money anymore. The only band that would get approved by China would be all vanilla and cheesy.

Stan Marsh: Wait a minute... Wait. Vanilla and cheesy. I've got it! I've got it!

Stan Marsh: This is all wrong!... I can't sell my soul like this. I want to get away from that farm, more than anything. But it's not worth living in a world where China controls my country's art. ... I don't care how many people you have. I've got something in me that just won't let me be a part of all this.

Randy Marsh: Us, Chinese people, have always liked things the old-fashioned way. We like things a little simpler, a little quieter. And now, there's a new weed that goes along with China's beating heart. Because after a hard day of forced labor, or gettin' beat for criticizing the government, we all could use a little time with some good ol' Rocky Mountain weed. It's the soul of the American West, right here in mother China. All hail the Communist Party. And all hail... Tegridy Weed.

Stan Marsh: Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? Dad, did you kill Winnie the Pooh?

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