& Dopinder: Dopinder.
Deadpool: Pool. Dead.
& Dopinder: Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: That’s because it’s Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I’m after someone on my naughty list.
& Deadpool: I never carry a wallet when I’m working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
& Deadpool: Merry Christmas.
Dopinder: And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool!
& Deadpool: Oh, hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can’t tell you, but it does rhyme with «Polverine.» And let me tell you, he’s got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and... Bad guys to kill.
& Deadpool: Maximum effort. Cock shot. Rich Corinthian leather.
& Wade: Anyhoo, tell me something... what situation isn’t improved by pizza?
& Wade: If your left leg is Thanksgiving... and your right leg is Christmas... can I visit you between the holidays?
& Deadpool: Here’s the thing. Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program.
& Deadpool: Vanessa’s already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. Me? I’m memorizing the details of her face. Like it’s the first time I’m seeing it. Or the last.
& Vanessa: So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?
Wade: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death.
& Wade: Sorry. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it. Hey, they’ve made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.
& Wade: The worst part about cancer isn’t what it does to you... but what it does to the people you love.
& Deadpool: Okay. Let’s pro-con this superhero thing. Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. Local dry cleaning discounts. Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: They’re all lame-ass teacher’s pets.
& Colossus: Enough! Let us go talk to the Professor.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. «Dead or alive, you’re coming with me!»
& Deadpool: And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh.
& Wade: ...And please don’t make the super-suit green. Or animated.
& Deadpool: Did I say this was a love story? No, it’s a horror movie... Fucking hell.
& Weasel: Star in horror films.
Deadpool: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
& Deadpool: This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real... blurry.
& Deadpool: Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
& Deadpool: She’s like Robin to my Batman, except she’s old, and black, and blind. And I think she’s in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. Al?
& Weasel: Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by «we,» I mean «you.»
& Weasel: I can’t believe I’m doing this. Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?
Deadpool: Yeah, «afrangry,» I guess.
& Weasel: That’s the shit emoji. You know, it’s the turd with the smiling face and the eyes?.. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long...
& Deadpool: Ripley, from Alien 3!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you’re old.
& Colossus: Wade? Is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it’s me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can’t refuse.
& Deadpool: It’s a big house. It’s funny that I only ever see two of you. It’s almost like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man.
& Deadpool: Okay, guys, let’s get out there and make a difference.
& Colossus: Wade! Four or five moments.
Deadpool: I’m sorry?
Colossus: Four or five moments, that’s all it takes.
Deadpool: To?
Colossus: Be a hero. Everyone thinks it’s a full-time job. Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you’re offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... spare an enemy. In these moments... everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we...
& Deadpool: Wham! As promised. See? You don’t need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
& Deadpool: You’re still here? It’s over. Go home. You’re expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don’t have that kind of money.
What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number?
Go. Go.
& Deadpool: ...And don’t leave your garbage all lying around. It’s a total dick move. Go.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
+ Songs and music featured in Deadpool (2016)!
Deadpool: Pool. Dead.
& Dopinder: Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: That’s because it’s Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I’m after someone on my naughty list.
& Deadpool: I never carry a wallet when I’m working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
& Deadpool: Merry Christmas.
Dopinder: And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool!
& Deadpool: Oh, hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can’t tell you, but it does rhyme with «Polverine.» And let me tell you, he’s got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and... Bad guys to kill.
& Deadpool: Maximum effort. Cock shot. Rich Corinthian leather.
& Wade: Anyhoo, tell me something... what situation isn’t improved by pizza?
& Wade: If your left leg is Thanksgiving... and your right leg is Christmas... can I visit you between the holidays?
& Deadpool: Here’s the thing. Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program.
& Deadpool: Vanessa’s already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. Me? I’m memorizing the details of her face. Like it’s the first time I’m seeing it. Or the last.
& Vanessa: So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?
Wade: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death.
& Wade: Sorry. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it. Hey, they’ve made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.
& Wade: The worst part about cancer isn’t what it does to you... but what it does to the people you love.
& Deadpool: Okay. Let’s pro-con this superhero thing. Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. Local dry cleaning discounts. Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: They’re all lame-ass teacher’s pets.
& Colossus: Enough! Let us go talk to the Professor.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. «Dead or alive, you’re coming with me!»
& Deadpool: And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh.
& Wade: ...And please don’t make the super-suit green. Or animated.
& Deadpool: Did I say this was a love story? No, it’s a horror movie... Fucking hell.
& Weasel: Star in horror films.
Deadpool: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
& Deadpool: This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real... blurry.
& Deadpool: Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
& Deadpool: She’s like Robin to my Batman, except she’s old, and black, and blind. And I think she’s in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. Al?
& Weasel: Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by «we,» I mean «you.»
& Weasel: I can’t believe I’m doing this. Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?
Deadpool: Yeah, «afrangry,» I guess.
& Weasel: That’s the shit emoji. You know, it’s the turd with the smiling face and the eyes?.. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long...
& Deadpool: Ripley, from Alien 3!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you’re old.
& Colossus: Wade? Is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it’s me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can’t refuse.
& Deadpool: It’s a big house. It’s funny that I only ever see two of you. It’s almost like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man.
& Deadpool: Okay, guys, let’s get out there and make a difference.
& Colossus: Wade! Four or five moments.
Deadpool: I’m sorry?
Colossus: Four or five moments, that’s all it takes.
Deadpool: To?
Colossus: Be a hero. Everyone thinks it’s a full-time job. Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you’re offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... spare an enemy. In these moments... everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we...
& Deadpool: Wham! As promised. See? You don’t need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
& Deadpool: You’re still here? It’s over. Go home. You’re expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don’t have that kind of money.
What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number?
Go. Go.
& Deadpool: ...And don’t leave your garbage all lying around. It’s a total dick move. Go.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
+ Songs and music featured in Deadpool (2016)!
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