A Priest Walks Into a Bar

Lucifer 1×9

& Lucifer: Oh, curious. In your line of work, how many times has it happened to you? You know, like in those wonderful Internet videos?.. Your deliveries ending in sex.
    Pizza guy: Uh... never.

& Lucifer: You wanted to speak with me?
    Father Frank: Lucifer Morningstar. Father Frank Lawrence.
    Lucifer: A priest walks into a bar... I’ve heard this one before. Never seen it, though.

& Lucifer: Okay. Enough about the dead guy. Tell me everything you know about Padre Pederast.
    Connor: Who?

& Chloe: Lucifer, what do you think you’re doing?!
    Lucifer: For your penance, ten Bloody Marys and a good shag.

& Lucifer: And you wonder why I don’t go to church.

& Father Frank: We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.
    Lucifer: Yes. I know. But why does everybody always think it’s a good plan?

& Lucifer: Father has got soul...
    Father Frank: You ain’t seen nothing yet.
    Lucifer: Oh.
    Father Frank: Yeah.
    Lucifer: You like to take the top?
    Father Frank: Why not?

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& Lucifer: The Devil friends with a priest? That’s absurd!
    Chloe: It’s absurdly adorable.

& Father Frank: It’s okay. I’m not afraid of dying.
    Lucifer: Well, you should be. It’s really boring where you’re headed.

& Lucifer: It’s all just a game to You, isn’t it? Eh? Well, I know punishment, and he did not deserve that. He followed Your stupid rules and it still wasn’t good enough! So what does it take to please You? Break Your rules and you fall! Follow them and you still lose?! Doesn’t matter whether you’re a sinner! Doesn’t matter whether you’re a saint! Nobody can win, so what’s the point? What’s the bloody point?

& Amenadiel: What’s taking so long?
    Malcolm: Come on, come on, chill out, Amenadude. Here, have some waffles.

& Amenadiel: I bet your 30 seconds in Hell felt like 30 years. Imagine what eternity would feel like.

& Amenadiel: His name... is Lucifer Morningstar.

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