Secret Santa

The Last Man on Earth 2×9

& Carol: I ho-ho-hope you’re in the holiday spirit. As you can see, I’ve been doing a little bit of decorating. Not quite done yet.

& Carol: What do you think so far?
    Gail: I think it’s like Santa ate the Rockefeller Christmas Tree and then took a big dump on the walls.

& Carol: All right, now commit the name to memory. Roll up your papers. Put ’em in your mouth and swallow it.
    Melissa: Seriously?
    Carol: Did I stutter, Melissa? Eat your goldarn papers!!

& Carol: Hey, billion-dollar spending limit, please!

& Gail: Carol, enough is enough. Even gorillas don’t have hair on their nipples.
    Carol: Yeah, but I bet they wish they did.

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& Phil: Yuletide greetings, braheem. Ah, Santa’s here early this year. And he’s got two huge lumps in his big old Christmas sack.
    Phil #2: Hi, Tandy.

& Carol: Do you know why we do Secret Santa?
    Melissa: For the presents?
    Carol: No, Melissa. We do it for the surprises. In Secret Santa, you can’t know what you’re going to get. Yes, it’s scary. And yes, it’s reckless. You are on a high wire act without a net, sister. And there’s no sexy fireman to catch you when you fall. But you know what? That’s what makes you feel alive.

& Melissa: Todd and I broke up.
    Carol: What?! Did lovemaking become a chore?

& Phil: Carol, I drew myself. What do you get the person who has everything already, huh? I can only think of one thing... A friggin’ yacht!!

& Melissa: Todd... will you marry me?

& Mike: ...Captain Mike Miller, signing off.

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