& John: Have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?
Ted: Oh, God, yeah. It was a frigging disaster. $250 and we didn’t learn a goddamn thing.
John: 250? Dude, that’s ridiculous! Doesn’t your insurance cover that or something?
Ted: Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet, but I came back five minutes later, she was looking at black cocks.
John: It seems like every time you go online, you’re two clicks away from black cocks. Look. See? I’ll Google «Grand Canyon.» Here. Look, it says, «Did you mean black cocks?»
& Ted: It’s always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
& Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that’s right. I’ve been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well... I mean they say ’Trix are for kids’ in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there’ll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I’m going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You’ll be okay.
Customer: And... I won’t be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that’s not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won’t forget what you’ve done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
& Joy: Look at that. You see them two white niggas over there?.. Look at ’em. They’re so happy. Because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn’t have that baby, they’d just be two sad-ass white niggas waiting for «Downtown Abbey» to come on.
Ted: Wow, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase?
& Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
& Ted: Hey, if the baby works out, we should get a dog.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. A German shepherd.
Ted: A German shepherd and a baby, together.
Tami-Lynn: It’s, like, the perfect family.
Ted: And a gun to protect us all!
Tami-Lynn: Yes! Okay, as soon as we get the baby, we get the gun.
Ted: I love our gun-dog-baby family!
& Ted: They said I’m property.
John: What does that even mean? Like, you’re a thing? What, like garbage or a piece of shit?
Ted: Well, I mean, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah.
John: What the hell do they know? It’s just a word. They can’t change your whole life just by calling you property.
Joy: Bullshit! You better ask my ancestors. One minute, you in Africa, washing your clothes in a river. Titties out. You good. Then all of a sudden, you somewhere across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson.
Ted: Wow! You make history come alive.
& Ted: But we don’t know any lawyers. All our friends make sandwiches.
John: We just google «Boston lawyers.» Ah.... Jesus. Look at that black cock.
& Ted: Wait, wait wait. What’s your middle name?
Samantha: Leslie.
John: Oh, my God!
Ted: So you’re Sam L. Jackson!
John: That’s fucking great! Just like Sam L. Jackson!
Samantha: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He’s the black guy.
& Samantha: I love New York...
John: Yeah, there’s no bullshit with these people.
Ted: Yeah, you always know who you’re dealing with in New York... Hello, Jews!
& Ted: Hey, hey. You ever bring chicks up here?
Meighan: What do you think?
Ted: I think I wanna sleep on a bed made of your voice.
& Meighan: Ted, you’re special. You could’ve been an inspiration to the world. Could’ve been a leader, a role model. Instead you’re... Justin Bieber.
& Ted: ...Hashtag «Shit happens.»
--
+++ quotes on the IMDb
Комментариев нет:
Отправить комментарий